Coming to grips with reality - I need help for myself

Hello,

I am a 42 year old man who is living with a wonderful girlfriend. We are supposed to be celebrating our two year anniversary of moving in together this weekend, but I have to come to terms with compulsive lying.

A little background about me: In addition to the compulsive lying, I also have been living with Asperger's Syndrome (incorrectly diagnosed for years as a wide series of illnesses), dysthimia and when I was a child, hyperactivity. I grew up with an alcoholic father and a family that kind of kept things under the table or under the rug ("don't tell anyone about this" would be a basic example). None of this, however, excuses the situation I am about to discuss.

I have been confronted (not angrily or wrongly) by her about some of the things I said I was doing in my life, and I lied to her about it. I realize that this is completely wrong and need help for this since our relationship is far too valuable to lose. Last night, I started to "come clean" about things, but even then, I could not tell the entire truth. I feel like a scared child when I am talking to her about a lot of things, and I've felt like a monster since last night. I got about two hours sleep last night.

My girlfriend and I just had another conversation as I was writing this and I couldn't keep myself from lying about something else (I lied about taking exams). She said I've been acting like a little boy instead of a man by not taking responsibility and admitting everything right away. Needless to say, the trust we have is severly damaged, if not completely gone.

I have to confess to feeling a slight rush when I lie, but I see that is a feeling I don't want or need. I would much rather be upfront with everyone.

I'm not the type of person that wants to harm myself, but I have been told I have a fear of intimacy. I've been asking myself if this is part of the root of the problem (sabotaging the relationship by lying), but I know there is something serious underneath all of this, however, I don't know what that is. I am fortunate to have a person that we see for couples therapy that is willing to see me at least in the short term (hopefully longer), however, since I have been unemployed for most of the last two years, getting psychiatric treatment (which I think is important as well) is difficult.

Since this is a holiday weekend, it will be difficult for me to deal with what has happened, but I want this to work more than anything. We have couples therapy on Tuesday night where we will discuss my starting individual therapy (which I need ASAP). I love my girlfriend more than anything in the universe, but I need to stop the lying and show her how much she means to me.

Here are my questions:

Is there any hope out there?

How can I stop acting like a little boy and be more of a man?

Are there self-help groups for people who are compulsive liars (I live in New York)?

Are there any recommended self-help books or programs for compulsive liars?

Any advice you can provide would be appreciated.

Hi,

Yes, I noticed that you have already made a post or two on the Asperger's forum. I'm a 25 year old male with the condition. Anyway, for your compulsive lying and everything else, there certainly is hope out there for you. The lies appear to be one of the biggest things right now though, so, you gotta' sort those out. What I suggest is setting a date and time for you and your partner to have a talk about, well, everything. During this talk, you have to tell the truth about everything, and there is no lying allowed.

You can build yourself up to having such a conversation if you plan it and concentrate. Another solution is, of course, to write all of the truths down on a piece of paper and then give it to her. I am sure that, by telling the truth, you will feel a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

Kevin

Hi,

Thanks for responding. I'm seeing the impact my lies have had on my girlfriend, and I have been feeling depressed for most of the evening. She is trying to be supportive, but she has been questioning me about some things where I did tell the truth. I can understand why, however, since the lies have been hurtful.

I've read some articles and forums about lying and Asperger's Syndrome, and while it appears to be a mixed bag (some say there is a correlation, some say otherwise), I think for me they are seperate issues.

Yes, there is just as much connection between lying and Asperger's Syndrome as there is between lying and everyone else in the world (I mean, no solid connection at all) - That is my belief anyway. There was actually a thread about this same topic on the Asperger's Forum here maye one year ago and the majority of people rejected the idea.

Don't view your lying as a shameful problem - i.e. don't be so hard on yourself. I am of the opinion that compulsive lying isn't much different from other habits / compulsions such as smoking, biting nails, etc. It just so happens, however, that compulsive lying is dangerous because it can affect your relationships with others.

Whatever the case, will you try out what I have said to you? I think it may work. This will take effort though dude - you'll have to seriously devote some solid thinking time to it.

Take care,
Kevin

My girlfriend asked me to do this earlier today and I wrote down everything I could remember. I will continue to concentrate on what I've done and make every effort to work things out with her. If I remember anything else, I will talk to her about it ASAP.

As for shame, after seeing my girlfriend get upset and cry for the last three days, how can I feel anything else? I've shown her that I'm not who she thinks I am and we have gone so far as to discuss what would happen if we broke up. I want things to work out, but right this second, I feel like a total loser who doesn't deserve to be with someone like her. I've been feeling naseuous off and on for the past couple of days.

Luckilly, we will be in couples therarpy on Tuesday night and I can see the therapist individually ASAP. I knew I had problems (The dysthymia became depression for a while back in late June through early July), but now I see myself as truly sick and in need of help. I am willing to commit myself to whatever form of treatment is needed since I can't keep living my life like this.

Thanks,

Bill

williamhughes11 wrote:As for shame, after seeing my girlfriend get upset and cry for the last three days, how can I feel anything else? I've shown her that I'm not who she thinks I am and we have gone so far as to discuss what would happen if we broke up. I want things to work out, but right this second, I feel like a total loser who doesn't deserve to be with someone like her. I've been feeling naseuous off and on for the past couple of days.

I understand Bill, but that was in the past and you are now activey looking to make amends in the present. If we were all to be punished for every bad thing we have done in the past - and to constantly feel shame for them - then we would never make any progress in life. I'm pleased that you will also be attending therapy with your partner - that should help you both immensely.

Just remember to separate the past away from the new and present 'you', and focus on the positives here:

1) You are actively seeking to change
2) Your partner seems willing to help you

Kevin

We've actually been in couples therapy for about two years, but this will be the first time I've been in individual therapy since 2006. I've been through nearly three dozen therapists in my life but I trust this one.

I think my girlfriend is willing to help me, but right this moment, it's been difficult for her. I haven't cheated on her or anything like that (I believe in being in a committed relationship) but she has, of course, been asking questions. She has said that she feels betrayed, and I can understand why.

This will take some time to rebuild and heal, but I know I want to work torwards improving who I am so I can show her that I am the right man for her. I've told many members of my immediate and extended family that I am lucky to have found someone like her, and I want to prove it every day. Now, I want to do that more than ever.

I'm willing to do whatever it takes to change.

Thanks,

Bill

You appear much more positive now Bill, and this is good to see. It will take time for those around you to gradually believe that what you are telling them is the truth, but you appear to have the drive to get there. Oh, if your partner feels that you have been unfaithful, you are going to have to use very strong words / phrases to make her believe the contrary. For example, use phrases such as: 'I assure you... ...'; 'I am being 100% honest about this... ...'; or 'This is one thing that I would NEVER ever lie to you about... ...'.

Kevin

That's what I'm doing, but I understand why she might be suspicious. It's hard for someone who has been lied to to know what is the truth, but I know I have not cheated on her or even thought about it.

Now, this may seem offtopic, but it's related to this situation. I was sitting in my recliner yesterday morning and remembered three items that I had lied about that I forgot. Last night, my girlfriend called my mother to talk about some of my background (I lied a lot when I was younger). My girlfriend asked me about something related to an incident that occurred in the early 1990's, but I didn't remember the details. She thought I did and just didn't want to admit it. It seems that I've suppressed some of things I've lied about in the past. Is this common?

Hi again,

I believe that it is common for that to occur, but it's not as if it's 100% related to someone who compulsively lies. Something like that can happen to anyone; and it's not as if you consciously "suppressed" these memories. I mean, give yourself a break here Bill. All that happened was that you forgot about them and that is all. A lot has been going on recently in your life and it'd be impossible to recall everything that you have lied about. Just take your time with things.

Besides, i'm sure that your partner would understand, right?

Kevin