I keep lying about my grades

Hi, I'm V.

I lie about my grades. A lot. I'm in grade 11 now.

Ever since I was young, my parents expected great things from me. And I have constantly and consistently disappointed them. I don't show them tests, I hide my marks, I scan my report card and change my marks, etc. I know this all sounds terrible but for some reason, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

It's not like my parents are bad parents or anything like that. They are wonderful people. I honestly could not have asked for better. They love me no matter what and will always care for me. But despite that, I let them down. My parents have caught my lies multiple times and I have lost their trust. I want to be an honest person. But somehow, I keep going down that same dark road. Every time they catch me, I say the same thing - "I promise I won't lie again". I can't remember how many times I've broken that promise. My parents have given me so many chances to change my ways but I always let them down. Every time I lie and they catch me they say "You wouldn't lie if you loved us" and it breaks my heart.

The reason I lie is because I want to make them happy. I procrastinate a lot and my marks show that. And I just want them to feel proud once in a while because I feel like I've never made them proud.

This has started to affect more than just my marks. Now I fell like the world is closing in on me and I constantly feel trapped. I feel like I resort to video games to escape that feeling. Because in a fictional world, I don’t have to face these problems and I can be free. My world currently consists of my school, my commute to and from school, and my home. There really isn't much else. I've stopped sitting with my friends at lunch and I don't hang out with them at all. I have also noticed that I've been eating less than I usually do. And most of the time I don’t even feel happy. I just put on a happy face so my parents don’t ask any questions. It sounds really bad, but I feel like I am only happy when I play video games or play the piano.

The sad thing is, lying has almost become natural to me. If my parents ask about a test, I'll instinctively say we didn’t get it back even though we probably did. I won’t mean to tell them that, it just flies out of my mouth.

My other problem is my laziness and procrastination. Whenever I sit down to study, I always get distracted by something. And I will eventually end up on Youtube or Facebook or something like that. Another thing I notice is that my friends all have some motivation and determination when it comes to studying. I, on the other hand, am so lazy that I start studying for tests the day or night before. My teachers have described me as lazy during parent teacher interviews. I know it sounds ridiculous considering my habits, but I want to study and good grades. I just get distracted and procrastinate too much.

I realize that I need help. I’m lost and miserable. I need to stop lying, otherwise, I don't know where I'll end up a few years from know. I need some help on how to stop lying, how to focus and how to stop procrastinating. It can't keep going on like this.