My wife will not stop lying.

First time posting here. At this point I am pretty desperate. I probably shouldn't have waited so long but I honestly never thought of using a forum for something like this...

I've been married a little over 6 years, and been lied to about a million horrible things over the course of it. Lies that have ended our hopes of buying a house. Lies that have landed my wife in jail. Lies that have destroyed my ability to trust her in little everyday situations. The lies are huge and far-reaching, and almost always related to money. Some of them go back 6 months before they finally reveal themselves. The next one will have us too poor to afford where we live now, an unbearable thought to me. I feel like I'm being diabolically controlled by some dark force that goes into my future and rips it apart before I can even dream it any more.
Why I haven't left yet- There have been some really good times together, when I've felt genuinely happy and secure. During one of those times we decided together (mostly my idea) to have a child. My daughter is 4 now and I am basically terrified of what is going to happen next. I can't imagine breaking her hear and telling her- "Mommy and daddy can't live together because we don't love each other anymore." It makes me sick thinking about it.
I love my family and I want to keep it together, not just for my daughter and that I know that's how shed be the happiest- for me too, because that is what will make me happy. At the same time-I really despise my wife right now, and she is sleeping in a spare room. But I burn hot and short with my anger, I'll just end up forgiving her and eventually trusting her again. Then I will find out about the next devastating lie that has been brewing for 3 months...

I don't even know where to start to fix this. I'd appreciate some advice.

What we do is get an allowance every payday for gas and other things. I get recipts for everything I buy. At the end of the pay period I show her where all my money went and compare it to how much I have left. I also show her my pay stubs so she can see how much I make every payday.

colt wrote:What we do is get an allowance every payday for gas and other things. I get recipts for everything I buy. At the end of the pay period I show her where all my money went and compare it to how much I have left. I also show her my pay stubs so she can see how much I make every payday.

Thanks for the reply.
I don't think I can really envision myself "policing" my wife on a constant basis like that. It's too depressing for me and too demeaning for her, and it isn't what either of us signed up for. Keep tabs for how long? until I get bored with it, loosen up, and she goes behind my back again? No offense intended, but I don't see any trust-building happening if I proceed this way, only resentment on both sides.

Sadly, there isn't much you can do then aside from what I've already said. Unless and until she sees her behavior as a problem she won't attempt to fix it. As with any addiction or behavior for that matter, the consequence has to out weigh the reward for any change to happen.

I know my lying was easier to deal with when my partner put boundaries up for me and had "checks." I was not on the level of your wife but I lied about other things that hurt our relationship. The bottom line was that it was a relief to be caught and held accountable by him.

First, if you want to save your sanity and help your wife and child, check the anger at the door. If you can't control your anger and fuse then you are only hurting your wife and your child and making the situation worse. It is better to have a divorced family than a verbally violent/angry family. Take it from someone who was once a 4 year old girl watching her daddy yell at mommy for mommy's mistakes and visa versa. Angry households and little girls cause some very sad dynamics down the road (read here, little girls with angry dads get into relationships with angry, abusive men). So, if you can't find your own inner peace and calm around your wife then go to the divorce court now.

If you can find a piece of serenity in the midst of your wife's crazy behavior here's what might help the situation:

Accept the fact that your wife is a compulsive liar and that you can't change her. Expecting/hoping she will be otherwise in 3 months is insanity and will only cause needless suffering for you both. Be realistic- people who are addicted to lying do not change overnight.

Sit her down and let her know in a calm, cool manner that she is a liar and you know she will always be a liar until she gets help and stops. Tell her that you want to help her but she needs to go to therapy with you until things get better. Let her know that you can love her and not trust her and not be mad at her. It's hard but possible.(If you can't see yourself saying this in all honesty and keeping your word then GTFO).

Once you acknowledge that this is who she is and there is nothing you can do to change her then you can make a battle plan:

1) Temporarily but for an undetermined period of time, take control all the finances. Cut off her CC's, don't give her a debit card or any access to your checking account or any credit lines. Open a PO box and have your mail forwarded there to avoid CC offers coming to the house. When you do give her money, give it to her in cash and never bring cash home unless it is for her. Pay all the bills and do not leave this up to her. Let her know this is the way it will have to be until she has gotten to a place in therapy and in real life where she has proven to be mentally stable. Assure her if she needs money or wants something she can ask you for it and you can sit down as a married couple and make a decision together. (Note: if you have online Paypal accounts and passwords change all of them so she cannot shop online with your checking account).

2) Give her an allowance and responsibility. If she typically does the shopping then go over each week what you might need for food. Write a list of all the food items needed on a weekly basis. Give her the money needed for the groceries and some spending change ($20-50 extra). Document it on a piece of paper and have her sign it and date that she will be getting those items by such-and-such time. Tell her that she has to get every item on the grocery list and that if she has money left over she can keep it and use it however she wishes. (Often, people with compulsive lying-spending do this because they feel they aren't allowed to publicly spend on themselves).
The first few times make sure the grocery list is under $100, that way if she "fails" it is not a big deal. Expect her to fail the first few times. If/When she fails to get the items on the List and lies/hides the money, calmly talk to her and ask why she did this. Did she feel there wasn't enough? Was there something else she wanted to buy/own/have?
Yes, you will have to ask how she is feeling and listen and be very patient and gentle. If you are not a patient, gentle person then don't bother saving the relationship.

3) Every day before leaving to work ask her if there is anything she needs or if she needs money for something nice to buy. If you have a small budget then maybe ask once a week. Set a portion of money aside for this. If she says she wants something unaffordable be kind and invite her to help you create a budget plan to get it. Again, don't give her access to money or financial passwords, but invite her to create a budget to set aside money for her personal wants. If she has trouble vocalizing her wants, spend time trying to ask her about them.

4) Support her going to therapy. Go to couple's counseling and work on communication. You wife has a problem that is 100% hers, however liars often feel they cannot talk even to those closest in their life, and this exacerbates the lying. Develop a nurturing relationship of compassion with your wife so that she feels safe opening up to you about her behavior.

5) Do not yell, scream or get mad at your wife, even in private. Anger will only upset her and cause her to lie/hide more and feel justified in doing so. Always be cool and calm. You might have to act like you are detached from the situation. If she yells and screams back without provocation then this is an near-impossible verbally abusive situation and she has to get help asap or you need to leave and consider divorce.

6) Document everything she stole/lied about. Worse case scenario you will have to leave your wife, in which case you will want custody and to avoid alimony. Document everything you can about her negligent and abusive behavior, get key witnesses, bank statements, testimonies, therapists' statements etc. As a man you will need this in court.

7) When it comes to other forms of lying it might be hard to check her. Do not worry about this. Take everything she says with a salt shaker. If she tells you xyz happened today acknowledge it as if it is the Truth but be prepared for the opposite. If you discover the opposite then ask her in a calm voice why she lied. Did she feel uncomfortable or unsafe about something? If the lie is a silly lie (for example, a baseless exaggeration) you might let her know that you aren't angry or that you still love her. If you find yourself getting angry about the lie, tell her that you are hurt and upset and that you need time to yourself. Go away and when you return gently asked her why she lied. If she is in denial or cannot admit an obvious lie then this is a red flag and might be a signal that the relationship/healing will not work. If she can admit that she lied and even apologize or better yet, explain her feelings/reasons for lying then you have Hope. Always forgive her in the end from the bottom of your heart.

If you cannot forgive her let her know this and take time until you are ready. Keep repeating this process and show that you are open to her being who she is infront of you. The Goal is to get your wife to see that she can trust you even with the most shameful part of herself. Hopefully this will help her as she overcomes her lying. If there is ONE person she can feel safe being honest to and this person is you then that can be a key to recovery/happy relationship. Keep in mind that you are not doing ANY of this to change her but to support her in her journey to recovery. Her recovery is at her pace, though you don't need to endure financial insecurity or abuse on her account, either.

Remember, you cannot change her, you can only lower your expectations and steel yourself for the worst and vow to support her as she is with the condition she is in.

If she can admit her lies or begin to open up about her compulsive lying then I would say it is definitely worth trying to work through this problem. If she is angry and in-denial then you need to get out as fast as you can. People who want to change can heal.