Can't be happy about accomplishments?

I haven't posted in a while.

I guess I've been busy or whatever. I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but I have an additional diagnosis of bipolar II with rapid cycling and mostly depressed features. Seeing my doc on the 27th or med alterations.

That's not why I posted though.

Today at around 9:30 a.m. I just finished my coursework for my master's degree. I do not have the certificate yet, but I know I have fulfilled all of the requirements with a 3.7 GPA. I should be happy, right? But I'm not.

I'm trying to figure out why I'm so ... unaffected by this. I wonder if it is because of my issues or if it just hasn't set in yet. Also, I have been doing this for 2 years. I'm so afraid of being bored. I won't have anything to do. I am not going to find employment immediately. I am unsure why I am just not excited about this. I felt the same way when I earned my BA.

In addition to the feelings of blah, I also don't feel like I really earned it. I keep feeling like it is my husband's success or my kids' success because they supported me while I did it. I feel like a spoiled brat. I feel like a very ungrateful person, but I just do not feel happy about this.

HELP! haha. Does anyone understand this? Or am I on a whole different level of crazy?

Hi Flo,

I kind of wrote something along this same topic not to long ago, feel free to read if you like.. Maybe you'll relate and maybe not..
borderline-personality/topic92817.html

I'm still trying to figure this out for myself, and I'm beginning to believe at least some of us are lacking in somthing, whether it be an emotion or something else.

When I do accomplishment something I'm always left with the feeling of "This is it! This is all I feel". I'm left disappointed, never content, and finally bored.

I wish, I had some answers for you, but I did want you to know that I can relate and I'm still searching for answers myself.

FloMac wrote: I'm so afraid of being bored. I won't have anything to do.

I feel you. This summer has been pretty grueling for me. I have been working, but I couldn't afford summer classes. For the firs thalf, I was doing okay because I had more hours at one of my jobs, and I was reading up on BPD, so that kept my mind busy. Now, during the second half, my brain is going insane because I'm bored! I feel like I have read all that I can on BPD book wise, because everything I read now is more repetition or just plain boring. I try to concentrate on other school stuff and I try my best to be productive, but I feel like I need school. I started a count down on my phone for when classes start again next month. 39 days is a LONG time, though!

FloMac wrote:In addition to the feelings of blah, I also don't feel like I really earned it. I keep feeling like it is my husband's success or my kids' success because they supported me while I did it. I feel like a spoiled brat. I feel like a very ungrateful person, but I just do not feel happy about this.

I definitely understand you here. I have felt the same when it comes to accomplishing something. First of all, I definitely applaud you for what you have done. I could only wish to have a 3.7 GPA and have had accomplished what you have. I definitely respect you for it! There's no doubt that your husband and kids helped you through the stress and the time it took for you to complete your degree, but they did not do the work. They encouraged you, and you're lucky to have that, but in the end, who turned in the assignments? Who studied their butt off? Who had the dedication that was required in order to get things done? It was you, you did it. If you didn't finish the assignments and did what was necessary, they could've encouraged you all they wanted, but you wouldn't have earned the degree. My aunt once said that no one could make you do anything. It's true, in many contexts.

Perhaps I'm not helping, but that's my two cents. I don't think you're crazy at all. Me, I'll never be satisfied until I have several Ph. Ds...and I don't even think that's possible, haha

****Awesome post up there*****

I agree with what was just said above. You're the one who did it...you're the one who's name is going to be on the degree.

I feel like this at Christams a lot. I do everything, all the work, shopping, and Chritmas cards. I can't wait for everyone to open them, and when it's over....I'm like...That's it???!!

I get what is being said above, but both of you are missing the point. You're both pointing out what she did to accomplish her goal. She doesn't lack this realization of her success. What she lacks is the happiness (or the emotion) that goes along with it, and that is the problem.. The two are NOT the same. The accomplishment and the realization of the accomplishment should equal happiness, and It doesn't.. She recognizes the accomplishment, realizes it, but rather than happiness it's equaling emotionless.

I can relate entirely. I believe I was happy about graduating with my bachelor's at first, but not for the accomplishment itself but rather being done with school (as if it was a prison sentence). In my mind it was simply something that everyone does and then they get handed a real job and a good salary. It was more like being handed a key that let you have a good job and happiness, and of course I was misinformed horribly.

People with low self worth and self-esteem look for validation that they are good (or not bad) from other outside sources, but, unfortunately, they are also more likely to not trust or believe these praises and accomplishments are genuine. I think that's what it may be in my case at least.

I am too good at seeing negative things, and sadly my accomplishments feel shallow and unfulfilling because I can belittle them and the negatives outshine the positives. For example my degree has yet to give me a job or any higher standing and has only managed to get me into more school and further debt, and the fact that most people I know have degrees makes this accomplishment less unique and impressive. I also know of many people who are lazy or stupid who still got degrees with their 2.0 gpa which just takes away from my sense of accomplishment when I get the exact same piece of paper and entitlement with my 3.5 gpa.

A degree is a piece of paper that tells you you are smart/qualified, but I still feel stupid and incompetent so I devalue this "accomplishment"

Now I almost discredit having a degree entirely and see it as almost meaningless, it's even still in the envelope they mailed it in (5 years ago).

I even went into a Ph.D program to find the same validation and get handed my entitlement card that "guaranteed" me respect, money, and an amazing job because (at the time) I was not aware of my dysfunctional thought and convinced myself that it would solve/negate the problems my feelings of inadequacy created (shyness, lack of confidence, inability to sell myself in interviews and resumes). Having completed half a Ph.D (now dropped out) at a top level program I still feel entirely incompetent and can't believe the idea that I am supposedly among the brightest in my field.
Right now I'm looking for work and don't feel I'm worthy of any jobs in my field.

I'm bitter now, but I'm sure when I have a job I'll have a more positive view of my degree and school experience..

So, yeah, I definitely relate.

Know that it is an accomplishment though and that you earned it through your own hard work. It's definitely not an easy task for anyone especially when you're dealing with pd and mood disorders. So try to feel proud of your success even if it isn't as joyous an occasion as you had hoped or expected.
I'm sure that if you put it to good use you'll feel better about the accomplishment

cbox - spot on.
I just can't get happy.

I felt the same when I got published. I felt the same when I finished my research. It's just ... pointless sometimes to do anything.

I feel like this to an extent. This year I won £1000 for my creative writing...all I could and still can think is 'The other entrants must have been especially poor'.