Observing Observations

I feel like something is bothering and i don't know what. My sleeping patterns are the worst they've been in years. I've gone either without sleep, only a few hours of sleep, it's 4:30 am now and I'm tired but the moment I laydown my mind does not shutoff. I just get up.

Since March I've had successes with dbt skills.. coping ahead I've used a lot, building mastery, opposite action, and I've ended hopeless relationships which would be a part of interpersonal effectiveness.

1. In March, I pushed through a lot of fears in a project that I started. Everything my mind told me I couldn't do, and that I'd fail.. I overcame.. Where I had failed before by becoming obsessed, I was mindful of that, and did the opposite by forcing myself to walkaway and take a break. I succeeded, overcame a lot and that's all fact, but I feel no satisfaction with any of that. I don't feel anything. If I had failed or not even tried then I would've felt intense sadness, been more hopeless and felt more worthless.

2. I write poetry, although I don't feel comfortable calling it that because I don't see myself as a good enough writer. I used th dbt skill of building mastery by joining a website dedicated to writers (accomplished that), posted a couple of the things I've written (accomplished that), they both recieved good feedback, but I don't believe it. I was intensely afraid of writing something new for a contest (I accomplished that tonight). I did the opposite of what I would've done in the past by not including comments like "I'm new" or "Go easy on me because I lack confidence with my writing". I want real feedback and I know I can cope ahead and accept whatever. Their accomplishments and I realize that but my attitude is big deal. I don't really feel any satisfaction.

3. I have no desire to date, and haven't for awhile because "normal" people just bore the f**k out of me, and I don't even think I could fake that I'm interested in anythng they have to say. I feel bad saying that, but also somewhat amused.

If I can anticipate a situation I'm very good about coping ahead to avoid whatever intense emotion I would've felt in the past. I'm very methodical, almost to the point of being robotic about it and when I avoic those intense emotions I end up going all the way to the opposite end of the spectrum where I feel nothing.

I've never really been able to grasp the concept of identity issues, and maybe that's because I was use to intense emotions of anger, sadness, numb, feeling nothing. That was me. I didn't really have to think about anything. I can now succeed, and I feel nothing. It confuses me. I'm still not "normal" it's just a different kind of "not normal". I now grasp the concept of identity issues, because I'm lost, and have less of an idea of who I am. I'm running out of ideas and I don't know what to do.

The only point of writing all this is to get it out of my head.. I'm not even sure what there is to reply to.

Kudos to you, Cbox. You're a heck of a lot further along than I am, that's for sure. You're making accomplishments and you're recognizing things, both of which are pretty good in themselves. Keep it up.

Well done cbox, I'm proud of you

I think with the identity issues, they will pass in time. From what I've read, you're on your way to finding your identity anyway. You know what makes you tick, triggers you. You're writing poetry. This is a good start! It's a way to let your emotions out safely. The dating stuff, it is hard to find someone who understands you. Nons can be somewhat boring, as we have to restrict what we say around them at times. But I know you'll find someone who will support you, amuse you, captivate you. They say that when you're not looking, you'll find someone

But you're doing good. Keep it up!

Cbox....


YOU GO, BOY!!!!!

I'm really proud of you!!! Even though it might feel a bit uncomfortable right now, as the thoughts are floating everywhere and aren't totally grounded - there is a lot to be said about what you've written.


I've always thought you were a talented writer! I'm really glad that you've decided to take another step in that direction - I feel that you have a lot to offer others. I hope you can see the value in that too.

As for dating - meh. I think you know how screwed up my romantic self is, but I'm just getting my full static bearings on learning to be a good friend, and I'm going to stick with that accomplishment for a bit. Maybe you might feel that what you've accomplished is okay for now, before putting pressure to go the next step?

Regardless, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!


<3


AMP

Thanks everyone for the kind supportive comments. it's very helpful and appreciative..

-cbox

I get it ...

I don't know you, but from reading stuff you wrote mainly in this thread and some in other threads, I get a strong sense that you're in some kind of mental evolution. It could be progress, not all evolution is, but it's change and it's adaptive and it's better! just better than staying frozen like a lot of us are. You are building tools that could be used to lessen the suffering of our everyday existence. I don't want to disillusion you - I don't think life is all about happiness and good times. I think, and I'll still use the evolution metaphor, it's about survival. In the past it was about surviving from physical harm but we're past that point (some aren't but I generalize obviously) and now it's about metal survival. The world is cruel, judging and setting up unrealistic rules to follow ("stay young and beautiful", "always know what's going on", "don't talk about your problems/admit you're flawed") so I think every tool we got, or develop, especially later in life, should be appreciated immensely. With that in mind, you can't always look back and admire your former self, he/she seems unrelated to you somehow. Maybe try to appreciate the unhappiness you've diminished by remembering some of the bumps you needed to go through to reach this less-suffering point in life.

Sorry if I'm being too existential.

Hi cbox, first and foremost you have achieved so so much and I'm proud of you.

I know exactly how you feel, that you are doing all the right things but for what? Because you can objectively see you've done well but still don't feel like you think you should.

I'm not sure how to get that feeling either but think it develops slowly when you start finding more purpose in your life. I too am looking for that purpose to give me some direction and hope that all this is worth the effort. I think the steps you've made are great and like someone else said, they are all steps which are moving you in the right direction. Unfortunately recovering or ''managing" seems to be a really slow process. But you are doing an amazing job.

I love the fact you write, me too! as that is not an easy task for everyone. I see that as a small part of the wonderful areas of 'YOU' that you can explore and use your dbt coping skills to help along the way. It is sometimes scary too not knowing what to do, but I think it's a good dilemma to have, that you are making these observations and questioning them...it shows you are looking for that purpose as opposed to focussing on the negative and having those ruminate.

Cant wait to hear what comes next for you as think it's just around the corner! Hang in there.