Is it typical to sometimes just not care about others?

I can relate so much to this thread. for me personally, this

deethebee wrote:Perhaps we are so often feeling sorry for ourselves and in such pain and feeling so empty that it's impossible to have the emotional energy left to empathise with others. And maybe the times we are able to care is when we are feeling in a better state of mind...

is definitely true. I genuinely care about other people's problems a lot more without any effort when I'm in a more positive place. but if I'm miserable? I don't give a f*ck about your problems lol.

and I too definitely get super bored when people talk to me about things I don't care about. in my head it's just "omg SHUT UP already" and I can't for the life of me fake being interested. makes me feel like a terrible person.

I've found that for me, I empathize SO HARD with people who are going through something similar to something I've gone through myself. people like me are the people I care about and legitimately want to help, and save. but people whose problems I can't relate to? it's a lot harder for me.

guess I'm just hopelessly self involved lol

Well I guess we all are hopelessly self involved eh? I can relate to what you said...but then if we want people to sit and listen to us we have to return the favour. Sometimes I am interested in what's happening with friends, but if I'm in a bad state of mind (as I have now been for over a year with little relief) then you just can't sit and listen to people going on about boy trouble or how they're so tired because they've been so busy. You just think, "Ah shut up, some people have REAL problems!"

I have one friend who I really care a lot about and who has been very supportive of me and when I talk about myself I feel really selfish and I encourage her to talk about her problems and I empathise as much as I can but I feel really terrible that I don't care that much about any problems her and her boyfriend are having. But then I know I care about HER and I want her to be happy so I make an effort to try with her. But maybe the people listening to us don't really care either...if that's true then we don't have to feel so bad! haha. But I think in general it's best to talk to someone who really gets what you're going through and relates...otherwise maybe it works both ways. We can't relate to their trivial problems and don't care about them and maybe they don't care about our "trivial" problems either. I notice that when my friend and I get onto a subject that we both feel passionate about (children) then I don't need to pretend to care and I don't think she does either.

I've apologised to her a million times for ranting on in emails and that when I get a therapist I'll stop! She's said it's ok, but even though she cares, I'm sure she must have had just about enough you know?

How can we have compassion and empathy, if we have none for ourselves?

Only now that I am recovering, I can see just how far away I was from my own feelings and not having any compassion for myself.
Sure, I had plenty of self-pity, I was attention seeking and played the victim. But if anyone showed me true compassion, I would fly into a rage.

I was very aware that I had no empathy, and how hard I found it to care about other people. It really bothered me and I had a lot of shame about it. But I was very dissociated and numb inside, and had a poor understanding of my own feelings.

Also, do pwBPD grow up in validating, emotionally healthy households? Probably not. So how would be know what to do?

I am going to agree with soooo much of the advice given.

Yet I feel the need to point out one thing.

Yes, many of us get to that burnout phase from the emotional storms (feeling things so strongly that we just can't feel anything else for a while).

Yes, many of us are introspective and have trouble relating to the emotional needs/views of others we cannot, at that moment, connect to.

But here's the rub. Sometimes..... I really just don't care. And that's Okay!!!! Maybe it serves a protective function, a kind of shielding but nevertheless if it works use it. If it doesn't find a way to change that otherwise. no problem.

Bottomline is, you are not alone feeling this way.

I feel like I should use a maniacal voice and say "You are one of us, Hahahaha"

Welcome to the family

Thanks for all the advice...it does really help. I'm feeling a bit more able to deal with things at the moment but as we all know, that can change at any moment.

I don't really remember much of my childhood but I know my dad was violent towards my mom and I am sure I was missing a lot compared to a healthy stable family. I don't think any of us would have the problems we do if we had come from a normal stable family environment!

I suppose in a way not caring prevents you from feeling the anger of every situation that comes about...I know that when I have cared I have then gone out of my way to help someone and it hasn't been appreciated and I've been left feeling worthless. But it can upset people by not getting the kind of reaction they want from you, to be as outraged about something as they are. Validation. We are always wanting validation but then to deny someone else it seems hypocritical. But I can see how it can be good to be able to distance yourself from the stress at times...

Thanks for the welcome...to the crazy family? hehe. Well at least I finally know where I belong

I hope that you find "this funny farm" as the warmest, and most accepting and supportive "funny farm" for "crazies" that you've ever found yourself :0).

All joking aside, we are glad to have you, it's a safe place for us BPDers to share ideas, feelings, and tips for recovery.

If you ever feel you need extra support, and you're not in shape to put it up on the board, my inbox for PM's is always open to all of our members <3.

**hugs**


AMP

Thank you so much for that Ali...it's great to know there's someone who understands and willing to listen