Physical Affair vs Emotional affair

NEX wrote:
He wrote the home wrecker poetry, she raved how he how sensitive he was to other peoples feelings and really understood people. ( how could this man not relate to his family? ) I should not judge.

I see him as shady but he is a good christian on a slippery slope I suppose.
My friend is upset a my bluntness C'est la vie.

poets are a mess. good christians are even messier.

this man is a mess.

NEX wrote:He wrote the home wrecker poetry, she raved how he how sensitive he was to other peoples feelings and really understood people. ( how could this man not relate to his family? ) I should not judge.

I see him as shady but he is a good christian on a slippery slope I suppose.
My friend is upset a my bluntness C'est la vie.

Now, you are talking different.
The question is not so much about what is objectively better or anything else.
The question is whose side are you going to take.
And it has nothing to do with those people but with you and your friend.

Obviously, she has a vested interest in having you believe excuses. (she is upset)
But those are just excuses. Christians are set to save marriage no matter what, because it is eternal. Therefore, if someone falls, the other is supposed to be forgive. All the rest is just fluff to justify that belief in that particular case.

Either that, or your friend believes that someone can cheat and still be morally fine, or that others should understand.

Not that it makes a difference in either case in practice. The bond becomes more important than the acts. And your friend seems to think that you should agree with her point of view, and I find that controlling. I would consider that a red herring. There is something she is hiding.

Comingoutofmyshell wrote:pretty much one form: A gets suspicious, B notices and does a nice act followed by 'how could you suspect, look what I did', A goes back-footed, B accuses A of not supporting the relationship by showing doubt and does it in a semi-aggressive OTT way that you only get from real emotion, A then feels guilty for causing B to be distraught and blames them self and consequently accepts any explanation and overlooks the original suspicion. B carries on.

Thanks, I appreciate you coming out.
It is a form of gaslighting that I do not experience, because it never works with me. Not even close. I am glad though that you explain it from your point of view.
Not that I am immune to every form, but this one does not work. It is a form of rhetoric called an appeal to emotions and I would probably give a blank stare. Does not compute.
Then the person would bet angry and I would answer the same. It happened quite a few times in the past with some people. I always come out thinking how could someone possibly think another would fall for that.
But now that I understand what is up with that, maybe I can improve my answer somewhat. Make them think they got away with something, fooled me in some way. Could save me some trouble.

I honestly see them as both bad as each other, in fact, i find the physical cheating particularly disturbing. In fact, I had a terrible dream last night which left me feeling horrid. This guy I like was having a purely physical affair with what I can only describe as a real 'slut' LOL! Whilst I stood on the sidelines wanting something emotional from him and didn't want to reduce myself to the sexual debauchery she was offering him. LOL. So yeh, since men see the physical side of a relationship as pretty important, it's logical for a woman to not like them to go off having 'just sex' with other women.

I got to thinking about what if role were reversed in this matter.

So I mention to my friend a similar scenario from off the internet with roles reversed.
She replied "That woman needs prayer to have better character" ok what is that...?

I think Papa T love his grandchildren a/c his operant conditioning. I feel he has taken advantage of Scripture and skewed things to a Stepford family type thing. As a man it sounds tempting to have this... however ultimately I like complexity and individuality. Getting what you want all the time would bore me. It could even make me wander elsewhere if I was married that is:wink:

The position of the husband in the home and his related responsibilities are quite clearly defined in principle in Ephesians 5:22, 28-31. "Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, even as Christ is head of the church; and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject to Christ, so let wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wife as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it . . . So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church . . . For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shal.1 be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh".
I think Papa T Got the God/Christ first, Man second part down pretty good, I feel he struggles with the rest or maybe not. Every man has his battle.

Stepford wives
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8OIUU8U ... re=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5DSJUhH ... re=related

The scenario from the net.

Q.
Here’s my story: Married for 12 years with two beautiful children. During their upbringing, the wife and I grew distant of each other. She began to treat me badly with little respect and I began to emotional disconnect with her and stopped providing the emotional loving support that she needs. Looking back – we both were at fault!

Her solution was to start an emotional affair with an old boyfriend – it may have started with a sexual encounter but that’s not been confirmed. This lasted for 3 years and she continued to lie to me about it even though I knew the truth. This obviously affected my ability to reconnect to her emotionally. We have discussed this issue over the 3 years never getting to the root cause of her having an emotional affair. Her mindset is, “if I don’t get it from him, I’ll get it from someone else”. After time, she realized that she couldn’t take this affair any further and it began to slow down.

Then she was introduced to social networking and hooked up with another man from her past – and has started another emotional affair – this one is much more serious where they have told each other that they love each other and are trying to make plans to be together in the future – he’s married with children too. I found out about this affair and have confronted her with this. During these discussions, she FINALLY confirmed that she had an emotional affair #1 – something I knew all along. And insists that this is harmless. I however know better and have stumbled on to detailed information that prove this emotional affair is even more serious than the first. She claims to have broken it off completely, but I know for sure that they are still carrying on behind my back – she is now lying to me every day.

She is attempting to work with me to “fix” our marriage, but this to me is just to serve her guilt of what she’s doing. It’s hard to take anything she says or does seriously, since she is constantly lying to me and carrying on with this other man.

They are close to taking this emotional affair to the next level – meeting in person. I’m at the end of my rope – I’m trying to fight for my wife – but am questioning whether I’m wasting my time. She’s done this twice – what’s to prevent her from doing it again and again. I think she needs help but don’t understand what’s going on inside her head.

I need help – I need to understand what she is going through and is this worth saving our marriage, or is she beyond saving. Just let her go and be with the other man and let her become his problem.


A.
The core of your relationship is gone, long gone. You can’t trust her. She lies to your face on a daily basis. She has decided that cheating and lying are an acceptable way to improve her life. The cost to you is quite secondary to her desires and imagined needs. There are many wives who are unhappy, feel neglected by their husbands and want much more in their lives. Some of them choose divorce and others choose to cheat. What is the difference between the two? Morality. To many good women, lying and cheating to enhance their lives is unacceptable. They choose divorce when they believe their marriage can not be improved.

Counseling can solve great problems in a relationship but counseling will not teach your partner morality. It is wrong to knowingly hurt other people. Lying is wrong and infidelity is wrong; according to every major religious doctrine that I am aware of.

You mention that her cheating is “emotional” and perhaps also sexual. She explains to you that emotional cheating is not really cheating. Love is emotion, perhaps the most powerful and meaningful of all emotions. When she turned to another man for her emotional needs, she invalidated the totality of her marriage to you. A marriage is based on love and trust and the most sincere belief that your partner will protect you from pain. Your partner has inflicted pain with a callous regard for your feelings and safety and overall well being.

She has purchased her happiness at the cost of your suffering. She plans to leave you and is making plans to do so. Does she care how this will upset your life or hurt you? You ask her to be honest with you. Why, because you would like to be prepared for your future. You would like to minimize the pain that potentially lies ahead. She continues to lie to you so that she will still have you if her affair doesn’t work out or her new man decides he doesn’t want her. You are her insurance.

What bothers me the most is her constant lying to you. She has found lying to be a functional part of her life. Dishonesty, cheating, deception are all signs of an unhealthy individual and all of these are certain poison to a relationship. Without trust there is no relationship. It’s time to think about your self. Stop thinking of her needs because she has long ago stopped being concerned about yours. She is not ready to leave you because she has yet to find someone who will accept her. I’m sure you are a convenient baby sitter and help pay the bills. You have proof that she is planning or at least attempting to leave you. Is your relationship over? It has been over for many years, even before her affairs.

She is insensitive to your well being. She doesn’t care if she lies or cheats and is anxiously attempting to find your replacement.

I can understand that she is unhappy in her marriage. I can understand that she wants more. I would agree that she should have a good strong marriage. I can not accept her belief that these things are accessible through lies and deception. I would say instead that theses things can never be acquired through lies. The only things acquired through deception and cheating is the illusion of that which she seeks.

The decision is yours. Good luck.

The core of your relationship is gone, long gone. You can’t trust her. She lies to your face on a daily basis. She has decided that cheating and lying are an acceptable way to improve her life. The cost to you is quite secondary to her desires and imagined needs. There are many wives who are unhappy, feel neglected by their husbands and want much more in their lives. Some of them choose divorce and others choose to cheat. What is the difference between the two? Morality. To many good women, lying and cheating to enhance their lives is unacceptable. They choose divorce when they believe their marriage can not be improved..

Should read as
The core of your relationship is gone, long gone. You can’t trust her. She lies to your face on a daily basis. She has decided that cheating and lying are an acceptable way to improve her life. The cost to you is quite secondary to her desires and imagined needs. To many husbands and wives who are unhappy, feel neglected by their husbands and want much more in their lives. Some of them choose divorce and others choose to cheat. What is the difference between the two? Morality. To many good men and women, lying and cheating to enhance their lives is unacceptable. They choose divorce when they believe their marriage can not be improved.

My friend refuses to see the highlighted items just above^ in her granddad.
I'm in awe.
I would like to thank everyone for your thoughts. I do appreciate the light you have shined on this subject.

this is going to be long, rambling, self-involved, and largely useless. i persist:

i'm just getting over an emotional affair. it began with an attempt to solve a puzzle: when he was pleasant to my face, yet sniping and angry behind my back, which side should i believe?

it began with emails. the emails were pleasant. consistently pleasant. i wanted to know if there was pleasantness behind them, or merely: pleasantry. how do you distinguish? which side do you believe?

after rafts of happy smil-ey emoticons on his part, i decided: they were pleasant. i was pleased. i was happy. i might even have a friend.

what's more, i had a friend to whom i could WRITE. hands-on-keyboard-all-systems-engaged. i decided to share with him the vagaries of my soul.

unfortunately, in my case, 'vagaries of the soul' are defined as: current obsessions. a further expansion of 'current obsessions' would include (but not be entirely limited to):

1) the bbc program, 'sherlock.' (an inveterate crime-geek who has finally found someone who will not tell him to 'piss off.') by extension, this can include Doctor Who, since the writers are largely the same. Doctor Who is a time and space geek.

2) gender: is it really dichotomous? suppose you map it out in increasingly smaller opposing pairs until the distinctions are both held in place, yet not ONE BIG dichotomy. gender variation in general.
really---isn't it fascinating? how can it not be?

3) andy warhol

4) mathematicians, the gifted ones: why do they develop signs of psychosis at a higher rate than, say, people who go into jurisprudence? (there is an answer. it has to do with the temporal lobe, broca's and wernicke's, so far as i can tell.)

5) animal intelligence.

etc.


unfortunately, he's also a voyeur/peeping tom landlord. and what i assumed was pleasantness was really a happy response to new fantasy material. regardless of what i said, what he apparently heard was, 'she wants me to go into her living space and whack off now. she would like for me to peer into her windows.'

it hardly mattered. by now, i had a huge honking crush, largely the size of Canada. give me confusion. give me a bombardment of subliminal sexual energy. i am yours for life (or at least until the next split).

this can only go on so long before all circuits fry in a haze of vast confusion. my brain circuits are officially EVEN MORE crossed and shorted than they were before.

he is sailing on. his wife still enjoys the notion that her thoughts are her own, and that there are NO stepford people at all in this situation: no. none. least of all, her husband. it is those ridiculous tenants, they're all so strange.

i am (as usual) a raging, splitting, acting-out mess. i yell a lot. i power sleep.

life is interesting.

emotional affairs. yep. avoid them if you can. they're death.