so confused, anxious, hyper....oh I really dont know!!!!

I honestly not sure what im gonna write...i just need to do something because I just cant seem to calm down...i started off worrying about my therapy im meant to be starting, worrying because i think the more i see the negatives of incorrect therapy the more anxious im becoming.... ive got to wait another 10 days before I go there again which will just be my second time. The counselling im going to be going to is at a drug and alcohol place, as this the only place where they do long term in my area (apparently). When i went to see him he said after hed spoke to me last time he had a quick read through a BPD book...obviously that means that he doesnt know the area or subject which is really frightening as if he doesnt know how to treat BPD then how am I gonna get any help... plus i will only be seeing him every 2 weeks because thats how they work there (once again apparently). If im this worried just after some days of meeting him i just cant understand if this going to work. Maybe im better off having no therapy, if all this is gonna do is every 2 weeks bring up new emotions etc and then wait another 2 weeks how am I meant to deal with how i feel on my own for that amount of time. I am just feeling so wound up, anxious...oh i dont really know how to describe how im feeling. I keep having visions of cutting and i havent done that in so long...i dont want to do it but at the same time the only way i can seem to get all this fustration, anxiety...whatever it is; is kinda becoming a bit manic, i just cant seem to calm down. ive had to come and chill in another room from my little boy as i dont want him to see me so hyper and annoyed...hes already starting to copy my manic behaviours...sometimes i think it is easier to self harm and get these emotions out, at least i can try hide that from my son....i cant hide these manic/ hypo manic-whatever there called behaviours.....
I honestly dont know what to do. I dont want to start therapy if this how im gonna feel, i dont want to bring everything up that i know i need to just for him to not understand BPD.....

and im so annoyed, last night i was starting to feel positive bout starting therapy but today its like allof those positive feelings have just been washed away....argh!!!!!

Give it at least a couple sessions. If he's a good therapist, he'll have done more research by the time you see him next. And even if he doesn't have much experience with BPD as a whole, he may have experience with the symptoms and signs of it and be able to help with each of those individually. Or, he may be able to eventually refer you onto someone who specialises or has experience/training in BPD.

if all this is gonna do is every 2 weeks bring up new emotions etc and then wait another 2 weeks how am I meant to deal with how i feel on my own for that amount of time.

It's sadly normal to not get enough therapy as needed. I'm currently in at every 2-3 weeks, as I can't afford therapy so have to be in through the Australian gov't mental health plan, which allows for up to 16 sessions per year, though 12 is the standard. Because I started later on in the year, I get sessions more often then once a month.

Also, without therapy, though you won't be bringing up things in therapy you will still be dealing with the problems, only you'll have to deal on them on your own (other then support from people around you and some forums (: ).

sorry, i really dont wanna winge winge moan..... all the time. but ye, i think the UK (at least where i live anyway) is pretty crap like where u live. Its just u finally get to the stage where you want help and its so hard to get. im calming a bit now, once im calm again im sure il be positive again!! I hope. thanks.x

What you discribe could be a type of hypomanic episode. I get these all the time myself and it's like ants in the pants times a bazillion see here: http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art ... ekey=30745

When ever there's too much happening, things are unsure, undefined and I'm frusterated (towards a 'good' thing) I get this way.
Go Go GO!
Can't sit still.
Everything is important and nothing is able to the center of focus.
Flooded thoughts, extreme urgency in everything; but nothing can be accomplished because I can't sit still and focus on any one thing. It's exahusting and emotionally draining as well...

For bipolar, this lasts for days on end; but in those with BPD it's not always as extended as that (or so it is for me). Also with bipolar, after the 'high' comes the crash and burn; this doesn't always happen for me. The high is pre-emptive of an 'even' for a limited amount of time- because in BPD, nothing ever lasts, does it?

One of the major things that brings this kinda thing on (for me) is underlying stress and worry. Not the stress and worry of negative things (which usually causes depression and suicidal desires) but stress and worry about positive things. Like a kid on Christmas Eve- I can't wait. I can't sleep. I can't keep my mind off it. I'm too excited. I'm nervous. I just want it to be over so that this damn feeling would go away!
It's rediculous

So if the feeling you have is something like I described, it could be a hypomanic thing and something to address with your shrink.

Take Care

thanks, i checked out that site. ye i agree.oh, i just cant believe how i feel today, i thought i would have snapped out of this. im calmer now but just feel so sad and so guilty. I hate that im thinking like this, but oh i love my son more than anything in the whole world, he is my whole world. Hes so precious to me in every way...but i just dont wanna feel like this the only reason i am here is for him and that should be enough...i just hate that when i start thinking like this these thoughts are overwhelming, my stomach is churning, my head feels tight, like i know im not meant to be here anymore, i know that i am never gonna change. we went out for some food this afternoon and i spent practically the whole time looking at the people around me wondering if they would care for me, wondering if they would help me...everywhere i go i can never stop this...i hate it, hate it so much, i hate who i am, i hate the way i think..i dont want to be here, im so serious. I feel so trapped, like i have to stay here, for my son...who would he have without me, who could he talk to to make him strong.i cant believe im actually saying this, i hate the way im thinking. this is not fair on my boy and its not fair on me. It doesnt help that ive had a couple to drink today, not drunk but just a couple, i just want to be better and if i cant be better which i cant ever see happening then i dont want to be here anymore.

Im so sorry that ive wrote all this, i know I am not the only one out there feeling this and im sorry that i am just constantly complaining like this.im really sorry.x

needadiagnosis wrote:Im so sorry that ive wrote all this, i know I am not the only one out there feeling this and im sorry that i am just constantly complaining like this.im really sorry.x

You don't need to be sorry- there's nothing to be sorry for here.


No one was hurt or abused. You had a question, you needed to free yourselffrom the torment in your mindset- even thoughit shifted, you still needed to vent it and that's not only OK but it's also very healthy for you to do that.

We all need support in this life. We are human and it's in our nature to love and seek help when we're unable to deal with things on our own.

If I were to take a guess, I'd guess that what you feel isn't as much 'sorry'as it is ashamed of your rants and raving when you had it because it shifted. And that's nothing to be ashamed of! Nothing with us is constant, this is what our life is like- shifting, rapidly and extremely, becausewe are disordered. Thereisno shame in that, ergo nothing to be ashamed of, and nothing to be sorry about either.

Don't be so hardon yourself hun.
You were feeling confused and overwhelmed and you sought support to help you through that.
You're stronger than you realize and asking for help and support takes a great strength. You Done GOOD!

~Alice

thank you. ye i know it good opening up, but i just feel like this last week using this site and writing down bits of how i feel is making me feel so much worse; really quite rubbish actually. maybe i should just try to ignore how i feel again. I can hide my feelings and stuped behaviours from people most of the time but i feel at the moment opening up and learning to understand BPD is making me slowly unable to hide all this anymore. im scared that im gonna start to loose control; if i dont feel like i need to hide it from people anymore surely that not gonna be a good thing?? thanks for your replys-u hit the nail on the head in a lot of the things youve wrote.xx