A long and hurtful adventure living isolated......

First of all I apologize if this thread is opened in the wrong section as I carefully read the rules and everything looks fine to me (its related to BPD). Ive decided to register to the first hit that google would provide after a BPD+Forum search. So Im sorry, I am not familiar with this place. I really needed to share my thoughts and am wondering if any kind soul could offer a little assistance if possible. Thanks. Btw, its very hard for me to get the motivation to type such information, especially when the story of the rescued chileans miners is blasted all over the news in the background, I feel even more guilty about complaining for my little self like that (not trying to act like a victim here, I really feel that way).

Geez…where to start ? Well Im a man who just hit 31 recently (aging is a very upsetting element to me amongst the many that are dictacting my every thoughts and actions). I have been in and out of psychiatric care for the last 7 years. The symptoms for my first admission were: self-hatred, anger, isolation (Im talking Hermit-like here), random episodes of crying due to specific triggers and deep feelings of wasted life and hopelessness for the future. A strong urge to be unconscious was felt too and suicidal fantasies were present.

The diagnosis at the time was major depression. Treatment involved SSRI’s (Paxil) and individual behavioral therapy. I put an end to it after a few months as I was certain it was going nowhere, I also quit taking the medications a while after because it made me gain weight, has worsened my already poor body image and didn’t helped with the emotions aspects at all (I still hated myself and was isolated ). I did had much more energy to work though. A few months after I quitted my job and was back in the shrink office. Treatment was resumed with another SSRI, therapy (with another shrink so a recap had to be done which made me very bitter about therapy afterwards). Same scenario, I quitted a while after just like the previous case.

A therapist I met last year (before I put an end to that too due to my uncontrollable urge to give up as soon as a challenge comes up) brought up the BPD issue after we discuss my past and the dynamics of my relations with people in general. Now Im about to resume therapy and treatment and I hope this time I can control this urge to destroy everything I initially setup because of simple obstacles. Could it be possible that my symptoms are actually BPD-related ? I would be happy to share further information regarding my past if necessary as I didnt get into the specifics of my behavior with other people.

Thank you so much for reading me if you made it this far, I know it must be pretty typical to read for regulars around here.

P.S: I hate FaceBook because it makes me feel like Im stagnating alone, doing nothing, suffering while time passes and people are actually able to enjoy life travelling, raising a familly or simply partying. Something I wish I could experience once in my life without triggers, or hurtful thoughts about my past, that are crippling my every actions.

I wish I could provide answers for you, l really do. l am so sorry that you are so isolated as we all need to know that there are people around and it must be a viscious circle, the depression feeding the isolation and the isolation feeding the depression. l know it may not seem to mean anything but on this board you are being HEARD by people from all over the world, and even if people do not reply, they are aware of you, will have read your post and know about you even if only in a small way. There will be people there who feel for you, identify with you and know something of how you feel. There is a sense from posting on this board of not feeling quite so alone. l know that the people who post on here are faceless but they are real people all with their own stories to tell and in reading through some of the posts you will realise that there are others who have gone through similar things to yourself. This is not my usual board but as histrionic personality disorder overlaps with borderline disorder l do sometimes come on here. My situation is different to yours but there was something about your post that prompted me to write, even if it is just to tell you that someone LISTENED.

Please, please keep up with the therapy, and tell them everything, all the symptoms, especially the isolation. The fact that you are hurting proves that you are a sensitive person with some beautiful qualities.

I_Hate_FaceBook wrote:Geez…where to start ? Well Im a man who just hit 31 recently (aging is a very upsetting element to me amongst the many that are dictacting my every thoughts and actions). I have been in and out of psychiatric care for the last 7 years. The symptoms for my first admission were: self-hatred, anger, isolation (Im talking Hermit-like here), random episodes of crying due to specific triggers and deep feelings of wasted life and hopelessness for the future. A strong urge to be unconscious was felt too and suicidal fantasies were present.

You sound like me, we are the same age and everything, except I'm a woman.

P.S: I hate FaceBook because it makes me feel like Im stagnating alone, doing nothing, suffering while time passes and people are actually able to enjoy life travelling, raising a familly or simply partying. Something I wish I could experience once in my life without triggers, or hurtful thoughts about my past, that are crippling my every actions.

You're not alone, trust me. I understand.

Now Im about to resume therapy and treatment and I hope this time I can control this urge to destroy everything I initially setup because of simple obstacles.

Don't give up. I'm in the same boat and I'm still going...I think I've had eight years of therapy with just a tiny break in there, only a few months because I was waiting for a new therapist.

Could it be possible that my symptoms are actually BPD-related?

Possibly...but it sounds like pretty severe depression.

masquerade wrote:
Please, please keep up with the therapy, and tell them everything, all the symptoms, especially the isolation. The fact that you are hurting proves that you are a sensitive person with some beautiful qualities.

Thank you very much for your reply and your lovely comments. I am glad to already receive feedback and it encourages me to share more or simply respond to future posts by expressing my support. Yes sometimes I forget that Im actually exchanging with real people and being anonymous is sort of a blessing in disguise as it allows me to write without inhibitions at all. I shall resume therapy very soon and make sure as you said to state every aspects of my story even though Im sick and tired of recaps. Ill try to give updates in real-time in this thread. Who knows ? Perhaps it could be beneficial in the long run for me or to someone else in the future.

brokenopen wrote:You sound like me, we are the same age and everything, except I'm a woman.
You're not alone, trust me. I understand.
Don't give up. I'm in the same boat and I'm still going...I think I've had eight years of therapy with just a tiny break in there, only a few months because I was waiting for a new therapist.

Thanks a lot for your support. It is much appreciated to know that people are reading me. I admire the fact that you were able to remain in therapy for such a period. Sometimes I wonder if my constant disruption of treatment is not symptomatic of an unconscious desire to not actually be willing to change or cure. I wish you the best in your upcoming treatment and hope that you can get peace of mind in the near future.


After reading my OP, and realizing that this approach of posting on a board might be helpful in my upcoming treatment, I will post soon a more detailed account of my story and how it all lead me to end up like this. Of course, I am not looking for a diagnosis as this approach can never be an actual substitution for medical treatment but, as I said earlier, might be beneficial in the long run for me or anybody who might have similar problems.

Please do post. I am sure that it will be helpfulll to you to do so and helpfull to other people reading it who may have undergone similar experiences and both sides will realize that they are not the only ones to feel that way.

My therapist gave me some usefull advice. She suggested that l find one thing each day to be truly thankfull for and put it on a list, and to spend ten minutes thinking pleasant thoughts about this. The next day, to find another thing to add to the list, again spending ten minutes on the list and to continue this for a week. In week two l had to find two things a day to be thankfull for and spend 20 minutes a day enjoying my thoughts on this, and so on. It could be something as simple as the fact that l have a brain that is reasonably intelligent or the fact that l can see. lt could be the fact that l have a home. lt could be that l said kind word to someone that day, it could be anything. l tried this even though l felt depressed and gradually found myself looking forward to the "happy thought" time of day and slowly my thought patterns changed for the better. l also found myself adopting an attitude of gratitude and began to find more pleasure in the things we take for granted and actually seeing beauty in the world.

masquerade wrote:
My therapist gave me some usefull advice. She suggested that l find one thing each day to be truly thankfull for and put it on a list, and to spend ten minutes thinking pleasant thoughts about this.

Thanks a lot ! I have to be honest with you that as soon somebody gives me an advice in order to control my mood or emotions, my negative nature always kicks in first and tells me its useless and wont apply to me. Just like someones hand was forcing my head under the water as soon as I am reaching the surface grasping for air. I will actually try it this time and see what can come out of it. Thanks again.

I_Hate_FaceBook, get off of Facebook now, delete your account, don't look back, it will suck your soul dry. It has been over a year since I walked away from Facebook, deleted my account, and I am so much happier without all of that tripe in my life. Instead of agonizing over Facebook, create distance between you and it, delete your account, and with time, that gap will get bigger, as will the emotional healing. Trust me on this. Facebook does little to bring anyone together. Sure, it does reunite certain people, blah, blah, blah.... But, fundamentally, at its very core, it does more to divide people more than anything (as you lamented). So walk away. Don't look back.

The isolation piece you speak of, for me, was an element of extreme agony of being borderline (and not knowing it, before being diagnosed)...and, while, I have always had friends and such, I have always struggled, with everything...with intimate relationships. I only know how to do porn star sex, which is my problem. Intimacy would be great if certain things would align, which they should be soon, since I am now on proper medication. But, yeah, I know what you're saying. That was my biggest concern too, the isolation, being this pariah. And when I did get my diagnosis I reached out to a couple of people, a couple of fellow people that were borderlines, they treated me like shat (flipped out on me) and I had to blacklist them (for good reason). Fine welcome to the fold, but I'm not complaining. I have always been selective with whom I am friends with. I just thought that I would get a little levity, since I was newly diagnosed, and since I was a man with borderline personality disorder--a semi-rare occurrence--but the BPD women I was dealing with were beyond the pale: they had zero patience for me, they were pure emotional aggression (almost like they hated me because I was a man or something, I do not know), so I had to walk away.

So I guess all I can say is, get off of Facebook, it will make you feel better (yes, it will), and have a doctor apply the DSM to your noggin' to find out for sure if you are indeed borderline. And, yes, the isolation sucks. But I'll be your friend. I won't wig out on you.

Alright thanks for your advice, I will consider deleting it (unfortunately its easier said than done in my case).
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Ok so as I promised to myself, I have tried to compile the essential aspects of my life explored, or realized, in previous therapy sessions. I will try to give a linear timeframe and keep it as concise and straightforward as possible. Its not an easy thing trust me as each aspects seems interconnected to another which makes things hard to sort out and difficult to follow for a reader.

Well it all started at childhood for as long as I can remember. Lets just say that I was much more shorter than normal boys as a teen (I actually had to visit an endocrinologist because my parents were worrying). It brought me a lot of hurtful remarks from other kids which triggered an invasive (and still very present to this day) inferiority complex. I was able to stand up for myself verbally, and sometimes physically, but getting back at someone doesn’t necessarily heal the wounds. Of course, when asked about it I was lying through my teeth that it wasn’t bothering me at all and I couldn’t care less (lying and making up pre-made excuses will become a second nature in my older life). In class, I was known as a clown, a teacher’s nightmare, as I was always finding a way to push their buttons and therefore entertain my peers. It was my way of getting respect, friendship and of course the attention I was craving so much.

I was also envious of having a girlfriend like normal boys but my poor self-esteem restricted me to even dare approach a single one. The thought of being rejected or ignored was absolutely paralyzing. When asked in family reunion, or by friends, about girls I had a predefined, and quite believable, answer about "my experience with the ladies" that I was mechanically reciting without the least amount of shame (theyre was no way in hell that I would have admitted being totally clueless). I hit puberty, and started to grow up a few inches, at quite an old age too so for practically all my high school years I was much much shorter than guys my age. Lets just say that for a man it can be quite hurtful to be deprived of any masculinity and it sure doesn’t help improve your self-esteem. The sadness unfortunately materialized itself into anger and very violent behavior towards my mother and brother at home. I was punching through walls or getting into a state of hysterical rage if provoked by my brother for insignificant remarks (god had mercy on him if he dared calling me a midget). So high school ended finally and, of course, I missed the prom as I was too embarrassed to ask for a date or show up alone. In the following months, I slowly cut all contacts with very good friends I had as their presence was remembering me about those painful high school days. I became a total shut-in and decided to restart fresh in college.


My objectives were now very clear, if I couldn’t make it as a normal man physically then I shall be very successful intellectually and so I registered in pure and applied sciences for college. Lets just say it was very hard as I was not known to be very studious and I had a real hard time adapting to all those homeworks and assignments. Things at home were not getting better either. A few visits from the cops, since neighbors were filling numerous complaints about the noise from the various fights I was getting in with my brother, made my parents decide that it was time for me to move in an apartment of my own (I couldn’t stay with my father due to issues with his girlfriend at the time).

So theyre I was at 17, alone in an apartment of my own, payed in full by my father. I made a few acquaintances in college during those 2 years but was avoiding all parties or activities. Most of the time I was isolating myself in my apartment when I was not in class. By then, triggers were omnipresent at any social events. Beautiful girls, guys with biceps, smart people with high grades. I was constantly comparing myself to them and reducing myself to a pile of $#%^. I was also highly embarrassed by my short height and feared being pointed out or laughed at. I made it through college, with a few failed courses that required summer school, and obtained my degree. I wanted to go into medicine at university but my grades were way too low so I was refused. I ended up in chemistry. I obtained a B.Sc. in chemistry after 3 years of intense study. I met a lot of great people and friends during those years but projected myself as someone highly confident and stable emotionally. Lets just say it was all an act, it was like I was wearing a mask when I was with people. Theyre was no way I was going to let them know about my low self-esteem or my fear of approaching women. They had to believe I was a brilliant mind with great ambitions. I forced myself into a few parties and it was then that I realized that all my pain, felt during social events, could be reduced dramatically with alcohol and drug abuse. Problem is that it sure came back with a vengeance the next morning. So overall I was getting a little bit more "social" but still avoided a great deal of activities and sadly I think it was interpreted by some people that I was a snob too good for them (if only they knew).


My chem degree in hands, now I had a very tough task, I had to preserve that image of confidence and intellectual strength I was projecting to other people. So I decided to register for a Master’s program in Quantum Chemistry (lets just say its not an easy subject and its perceived by chem students as quite hard to understand). What could be more perfect? Prove my (apparent) intellectual superiority by obtaining a graduate degree in that field ! Of course ! So I moved to another university in another close town where the program was reputed to be very good. Ive met with a thesis advisor who took me within his group and I started doing research there. The first year was fine, during the day I was doing my research in my office with the door closed and at night was doing more research related work at home alone in my apartment in a city where nobody knew me. I didn’t make any real social contacts except for a few nods here and there to people frequently met in the hallways. But one day, something, that would actually turn my life upside down for good, happened and it is actually a key element for the reason Im here today posting on this board (just writing this brings tears to my eyes, I s**t you not).

Theyre she was, I don’t know how to describe it, but she was just beautiful. Everything vanished in the room except her and when she looked at me, the beauty of her eyes almost made me faint. I had never experienced love at first sight before and honestly I wasn’t expecting something so intense. Lets just say that by then, work became secondary and my thoughts were exclusively focused on her. I wanted so bad to finally be in a relationship and since I was in love with this girl, it had to happen. I did some research and found out she was a first year undergrad student. By some freak accident, I ended up being a teaching assistant for one of her class and after a few months of trying to provoke any interactions, I finally manage to get her……as a MSN contact. So we started chatting online and without going in all the details I ended up admitting my interest in her. So we started to meet a little and this is when I realized she was actually quite shy and not what I was expecting her to be at all. I didn’t listen to my guts and moved on anyways, I had to have a girlfriend. I was sure I could adapt. She was asian, and me being caucasian with a rather dark complexion, I made up a bunch of lies about having native american blood. I felt that since I was too boring and dull as I was to interest her, I could add this "exotic" aspect about me to grab her attention. Didn’t took long before I admit my true feelings for her, she got scared and admitted later on she didn’t had those kinds of feelings for me and that I was acting way too fast. So of course I instantly broke all communications with her (hoping that she would try to reach out but she didn’t). Summer came and she left to go back to her parents for the vacations. I felt broken inside and spent the summer thinking about her with remorse and unable to focus at work.

Long story short, she came back in fall and we happen to meet again. This time I took my time and we finally started a relationship. It was the happiest time in my life. But the various lies Ive been telling her in order to make myself more desirable were quite heavy to bear and were making me feel like a f*****g asshole. I was feeling really guilty about it. Anyhow after almost a year and a half, the relation was of course already dying. Communication was very difficult, we kept having those fights each time I knew a guy was talking to her. I was scared she would left me for a better looking guy and it made me angry. Cant recall how many times I broke all communication and just waited like an idiot for her to reach out. One day, she left me. I knew it was coming and somehow I think I drove her to do so. The rest of this pathetic saga follows in my OP as I soon had to visit a psychiatrist at the hospital’ ER.


Thanks for reading if you actually made it through, I know it might not be of any worth but it sure was good to spit it all out.

Before you disconnect your Facebook account, please use it to search for Bordeline Personality Disorder groups and search them and if necessary join some. If you do not become actively involved in them, you may want to do so in the future. It is important not to burn bridges and maybe cut off your nose to spite your face.

l am not in much of a position to give your advice and l am sure advice is not what you need. My therapy has helped me to become more empathic and for what it is worth l think l can see where you are coming from. From what l have read a lot of your problems seem to stem from low self esteem and you have fixated all your self esteem issues onto your height. Will you work through this with your therapist? My husband is actually shorter than me and part of my disorder means that l am too over focused on appearances, but do you know something? His height doesn't matter to me because l love him and see beyond it. You can't change your height but maybe you could learn with your therapist how to see beyond it?

The fact that you have had a relationship, even if it didn't last, proves that you have something to offer!!!! When you spend some time a day thinking of the positive things in your life include your good qualities amongst them. When you begin to see your own good qualities you will begin to see good qualities in other people and be more able to reach out to them. ln a way, by giving you this advice, it is helping me too because l am going to start doing that and maybe my friendships with people will be deeper and not so shallow as they have been in the past.

Everyone on the board is broken in some way and there are a lot of people on the board from all over the world. The people you see who appear to be so confident and assured may have their own brokenness too and if you can see past all the outer trimmings into the human being underneath you will begin to connect. If you go onto the histrionic personality disorder board and search for Scarlett 1939 and janey b goode and also janey - especially janey you will read some very moving posts of how people began to overcome a personality disorder. Also look out for a guy called Wisdom who has been a tremendous help to me. l am sure if you message him he will have lots of suggestions for you. He is very knowledgable and l think he has had some training in the psychological field.

Hi I_Hate_FaceBook,

Just did a quick read of your situation and wanted to say it sounds like you have great intellect and really already have inside all the resources you need to build for yourself a happier existence. Yes, it can be done, but its up to you to make it happen.

I totally agree with Masquerade that reading some of the first person accounts over in the HPD area might be extremely helpful to you. HPD is just a flavor of BPD. 90% similar 10% unique. Those references she gave are to people in various stages of therapy, or doing real self analysis, and are actually showing great progress pushing back against it.

Masquerade is a prime example - you have got to read her earlier posts where she indicates she can't really express herself in words, she's not very clever, all looks & charm, zero intellect etc... I think you will agree her later posts (just months later) really show that to be 100% dead false! All a ridiculous illusion of herself. She's actually a highly competent person! What's more there in nothing wrong "physically or chemically" - she is indeed perfectly wired to feel pure, non manipulative empathy. All that was just beneath the surface of a nasty debilitating disorder. And that disorder can largely be just "dissolved" over time. Push that crap out of the way and tada!... the real person underneath magically emerges. The hard part is pushing the disorder out, the miracle is the real person emerges with no effort beyond that. That just happens effortlessly.

I'm a seeker of wisdom myself, not an expert. I do however try to share the best of what I've found. It helps me set my course for what (as time is available) my next "deep dive" will be. My course through this stuff is quite random, an off the trail, bushwhack . I'm 100% self guided, have no advanced training. I go deep where I feel compelled (linking through human references I find interesting - forward and back in time), spend zero time with material that I personally find boring or seems superfluous. The risk of self direction is that I can be myopic and naive in areas I have not been exposed to. I always welcome a well thought out rebuke that can, and will alter my path forward however.

The most important "finding" I want to immediately share with you is the knowledge that some BPDs actually work extra hard to sabotage their own therapy. They actually have an internal need to create misunderstanding about themselves as a defense. . The more you study BPD the more you can see that it does happen. Oddly most people with HPD manage to "telegraph" help in understanding themselves to the therapist/significant other. Some people with BPD do the exact opposite they "telegraph" to the therapist/significant other anything that will cause chaos, confusion, misinformation -- brushing the trail that would lead to really knowing them and their disorder well. The more you know about this in specific, the greater your chances of spotting in in yourself, helping your therapist spot it and stop shooting yourself in the foot. Its a fear based defense that is deeply entrenched.

I'd encourage you to press deeply into what is known about BPD - as much is known. Your detailed knowledge of it will make it less "unusual" to you and may enable you to move forward. It will actually reduce that fear.

Also, bone up on your knowledge of "how psychotherapy works" / the "mechanism of psychotherapy" so you can be most productive. I've posted what hope are some gems that I've found. Once you know how therapy works you can get yourself more aligned with it (both in therapy and with other people). That way you can go faster, see results quicker. That will self perpetuate. The trick is hanging in till you start feeling, hummm perhaps I do feel different...

Since you have a great science background take a look at this thread. HPD double standard / empathy deficit

I'm up to my butt in regular work & home activities so I can never be on these boards as much as I'd like. I can only jump in now and then as time permits.

I'd ask if you get any benefit here that you also try to allocate some of your time to reach out and productively help others. Even if you lead them to posts you found inspirational or thought provoking that can really help. I need a lot of time off the boards to do the "bushwhacking" if I find a gem that I think might help 10 people that's were I feel compelled to triage my time. If you could help the crew of early stage recovering HPDs in any way you can that would be terrific. They are working hard. We have a Russian gal over there I'm particularly concerned about who's fighting a horrible early family life overhang. Sometimes just expressing empathy can help. Anything you can do to be helpful to them is most appreciated.

Learn all you can, do the hard work on yourself (it will get easier - the difficulty is "front end loaded") and hang in. PDs can be pushed back.