Disappearing Act

Could someone please tell me what happens during these times when someone with BPD withdraws and cuts off contact without warning? When someone with this disorder comes back as if nothing happens, is it that they don't remember or is it too sensitive or embarassing an issue to bring up? I'm struggling and confused here.. I hope that someone replies.

An individual suffering the negative side effect's of borderline personality disorder can be quite sensitive/hurt by certain thing's said leading to *triggers* which are a transition from everythings okay to an instant destabilization were everything to that individual has gone to hell, you may get pushed away and even treated badly but the individual suffering with bpd is going through a horrable real life nightmare confused angry depressed enraged - think of a hurting animal even if it's a cat/dog which loves you.. when hurting this loved one may bite you out of pain / say hurtfull things.. that's how I can best explain whats going on soo please be supportive.

Jason, I want nothing more than to be supportive and understanding but there is a problem... and that is what I posted about on the Bipolar Forum. I met this man six months ago and he has since gone back to his home state. For the past five months I have watched him behave EXACTLY and then some to how people with this illness on these forums are saying. My mother is Bipolar so I knew some about it, but she is not to the extreme is what it appears my friend is. I feel so horrible when he disappears like this. He goes from talking and being so attentive to just vanishing before my eyes when something goes wrong in his life or when he has a fight with his parents. He is 38 years old, but has a connection to his parents that is very close and they seem to have a very dysfunctional relationship. Since we met he has vanished three times and each time was triggered by an argument and before he vanished he was acting very strange. He would go from super-hyper, no sleep, talking for hours on end, hyper-focusing on things, serious OCD stuff and then he would change somehow..and be gone. This is hard for me because I don't know if he is trying to end our relationship or if he is truly suffering and tormented by an illness. He had told me that he was hospitalized before for a violent outburst concerning his family but he never admitted to being diagnosed. I think he was, but hasnt felt it was time to tell me yet. I think he was because of these behaviors. I wish I knew what to do, what to think. I don't want to lose him because of this. I want to help, support and understand, but when do I know its time to move on that these times are not his way of saying he's not interested. A week before he disappeared this time he told me he was interested so this is all so confusing for me. He has not spoken to me in two weeks.

Im sorry I dont know if I mentioned this but he went away this time over an arguement with his family too. It was a huge blowout. He called them names and everything. He is such a kind-hearted person so when he did that I was shocked and saddened. Then he said he wasnt talking to anyone anymore and was gone.

hmm.. i've had blowouts in the past with my famely as well (i'm 23) and like this individual you speak of i'm kind hearted as well, it's like I went from this compassionet sweetheart to the devil screaming angry extremely irritable touchy touchy, you know being in a relationship is problebly really hard for him to do and he leaves i'm sure to try and cool off or cry depressed woundering "why on earth is this happening, why am i like this" thats just a guess but i'm trying to be helpfull. There is a relationship forum on this website ImaChristian and I think you would have better luck getting replys in that forum, if you are depressed i'm sorry that dose suck and hope you find some relief soon.

Thank you Jason. You are helpful and very kind to respond to me. I will check the relationship section.. all the best to you and thanks again!

Hello. I can relate to the disappearing act. I lived with my boyfriend for 6 mos. He broke up with me out of the blue. As I look back at his pattern, it was his fear of abandonment every time. When we lived together, I warned him I was going to move out and live rent free with my sister if he kept staying out late at night. He was abandoned by his dad as a child and his mom let him run free, with no rules. I moved out and he was devastated, though he wanted it. He kept calling, but the calls got fewer and fewer. We got back together at a family gathering, 6 mos later. After several mos, he started neglecting me once again, and leaving for weekends to dirt bike ride frequently. One weekend, I had enough, and we argued and I left, though he wanted me to spent the night. It was very sad, driving off, watching him keep telling me he loved me. I came back a few wks later, because I hadnt heard from him. He said he could not believe I left that night (again, he felt abandoned), and he broke up with me, out of the blue. I was shocked. He said he wanted his freedom and I was acting too much like a married couple. 7 weeks later, he called, leaving a few voice msgs, saying he loved me at the end of them. I answered the second one, but didnt act anxious. I kept it nice but short and said I had to get going and to call me in a few days. He called me at lunch and wanted to see me right away. He was eager to see me. I was skeptical, so I made him wait a week. Things were great for about 3 mos. Then, I saw a side of him I never knew existed. He threw objects, breaking beer bottles against walls, even punched a hole in a wall right in front of me. He got jealous of a new friend a made, and I spent alot of time with her. He threatened to end things if I left with her for the weekend, offered me $100 and that he'd give me the whole weekend alone, said that if I do go, things will never be the same when I return. I got up and started to leave, I felt done. My trip was the next morning, and I drove 50 miles to see him before, (and 50 miles once I returned too). As I got up to leave for good, he grabbed my legs and firmly said "you're not going anywhere!!!". I calmed down and managed to calm him down. He cried, and sobbed, saying I have no idea how much it will hurt him inside, not knowing what I'm doing and that I'm gone. He said I ruined our plans for the weekend (he rarely makes plans w me and I was sick of it!).

We texted one another the entire trip, and he called me, saying to have a good time. When I came back, he was happy to see me, and even cooked for me. Things were great! I left after a few days, and went home. He ran out, asking why I was leaving and seemed so upset. He didn't call me for 2 wks. I finally went down to visit his mom, and he stayed home from work (he found out from his family that I was coming). I stayed the weekend and it was so nice! He said he was mad at me for an argument we had on the phone. I told him it was the silent treatment and it is abusive behavior that I would never tolerate again. I left after the weekend, and he called for a few days, but stopped calling. He said he was going dirt bike riding for the weekend, and I found out it was a lie. I do not know why he lied, because he was home, it may have been an attempt to weaken me. Very strange to me. I trust him, without a doubt. I am sure he lied, because he knew I'd find out, and I'd come storming down to see him like I used to, but I dont do that anymore. Im tired of the games. He never called me that weekend, and I felt it was the last straw. I could not go thru anymore silent treatment. It is too cruel and hurtful. I told him how much the last time hurt me badly.

I wished I had known then, what I know now. I think I would have sat down and talked more with him, about his fear of abandonment. But along with his raging fits of anger, and scenes he made, humiliating me, and driving recklessly when he was upset...was more than I could handle...along with his substance abuse, spending money faster than he could earn it (he was always broke), and living on the edge (he was always getting severely injured, always drama in his life), , having his brand new cell phone shut off due to non payment, and close to having his newer truck repossessed, draining me financially, emotionally, mentally, physically, controlling, jealousy....I had had enough!

I wrote him a brief, nice but to the point letter, ending things. Its been over 2 wks and I have not heard from him. I tried to hang in there for him, and did so much for him, the entire 3 years of our on and off relationship. He had said that I would be the one to leave him this time. I told him in my letter, that he was right, but he gave me every reason to leave.

He has such a good side that I love, he seems to sincerely love me, but its mostly words, and the actions are lacking big time.
Its hard because its right around the holidays. I wanted to stay together,and told him this, and for it to last steadily without anymore break ups or silent treatment. He promised to try harder to communicate. He grew more distant instead. Just before I broke up with him, I had called several days prior...I called his work and he took the call, but was distant, as if he were talking to an friend, and didnt even say he loved me, he just said 'talk to you later'. I knew that calling him anymore, would make matters worse. He was upset because he wasnt getting what he wanted, and that was me being there all the time. He even told me that he wanted me to move in and live there at his aunt's. No thanks!

I miss him dearly all the time and I love him with all my heart, but I know I'd be setting myself up once again for disappointment and for him to disappear once he wasnt happy with something I did or said. I can't live like that, worrying he will leave and afraid to say or do anything that might set him off. My heart is broken, but he does not know this. I have to protect my heart, and do whats best for me, my life and my happiness. One thing I noticed, my happiness never mattered to him. It was all about him. I also noticed that people who are in love with bpd's, are the kindest, most loving, caring, patient individuals. Its as if people with bpd seek us out. I do believe people with bpd are good hearted, and want to be loved, but live with that fear of abandonment.