Untreated BPDs are sick, not stupid. Indeed, many of them are extremely intelligent, highly skilled, and talented. Their ranks include, for example, nurses, doctors, airline pilots, and professors (sorry, Normal).Blix wrote:I would like to know why, when they split and paint us black, don't they realize that maybe they were wrong?
So, of course, the adult part of their minds would quickly realize that they had made a mistake. Yet, because they hate themselves and have an unstable sense of who they are, the last thing they want to find is another thing to put on the long list of things they hate about themselves.
Consequently, when the adult starts to smell a rat in their behavior, they do not move (like the rest of us do) into a state of cognitive dissonance, where they simultaneously hold two conflicting views (I am good but I did a bad thing). Doing that would mean their adult would resolve the conflict by discovering the mistake. That is to be avoided at all costs because it would be too painful, too fearful.
So, instead, they essentially shut down or isolate the adult by operating in splitting mode (dissociation) much of the time. That allows them to hand over all control to the inner child, who is driven by emotions, not logic. This is why, with BPDs, their emotions are so intense that they constitute their reality, never mind that it makes no sense whatsoever and has nothing to do with reality.
This also explains why your exGF could say things so incredulous that you marvel that any human being can say such things while holding a straight face at the same time. She was able to do so because she had denied you access to her adult, making you deal exclusively with her child, who has the emotional development of a three- or four-year old child. Hence, the tantrums you witnessed.
Does that seem really bizarre to you? It shouldn't because you occasionally do the same thing yourself -- whenever you experience intense feelings such as
extreme anger or sudden fear. You hand the reigns over to your inner child by dissociating, i.e., isolating your adult. Indeed, you did it all day long as a young child and you likely still do it several times a year.
In fact, you've done it so many times that, when it occurs, you know not to trust your feelings. As long as you still have a faint connection to your adult, it will allow you to suspend judgments and actions because your adult knows all too well not to trust the child's feelings. Your adult intervenes just enough to postpone action until you've had a chance to cool off.
Well, when your emotions are as intense as what BPDs have to deal with every day, that faint connection to your adult fails and you too are reduced to acting like a child. You likely recall many embarasing instances in which you did exactly that. Certainly, I do. My point, then, is that BPDs and Nons differ not in kind but, rather, only in degree. Nons are confronted with emotional tides that are much less intense and less frequent.
As discussed above, acknowledging the deception or mistake would be too painful. BPDs usually deal with these challenges with more lies or magical thinking, which is greatly facilitated by forcing you to deal only with her child, who can unabashedly say things that would make her adult gag. You likely will never know why she chose to respond to this particular incident by walking out instead of raging. It may have been due to some external factor, e.g., ready availability of your replacement.All I did was call her out on a lie. She threw everything away because of that.
Because, in those moments with an untreated BPD, you are dealing with a three-year-old. No, not an evil malicious person. Rather, just a three-year-old, whose very intelligent adult is locked away elsewhere in her mind. At that age, they adore daddy when he is meeting their needs and despise daddy when he withholds anything. Even man's best friend will treat you that way if, after setting down a bowl of dog food, you have the temerity to take back a small piece of it.Why is she so mean?
Moreover, this is not just any three year old but, rather, one who has been carrying enormous rage and hurt for many years -- and one who is capable of getting you thrown in jail (as I was) because she is considered an adult under the law. So her meanness, if she remains untreated, can rise to levels unseen in an actual three-year-old child.
She doesn't. "Convince" suggests use of logical arguments or persuasion with real evidence. That plays no role. As I explained above, she demonizes you by turning her child loose on you. The child is pure feeling. She intensely feels you are a demon. End of story. No convincing necessary.How does she convince herself that I'm a demon?
Untreated BPDs do make a choice, however. They choose -- day by day and hour by hour -- to continue thinking of themselves as victims, which makes them feel entitled to punish anyone they perceive as a perpetrator. So, when you say she is choosing to perceive you as a demon, I would disagree somewhat. That feeling of you being a demon is triggered in a few seconds by some harmless action. That is not the "choice" part. Where choice comes into play is, during the following moments, she makes a choice to continue being a victim, i.e., continue accepting such intense feelings as reflecting reality. Essentially, she is choosing to allow her child to run amuck and control the whole situation.
This is why it is sometimes said that an untreated BPD would rather get even than get well. I believe untreated BPDs make a choice immediately after they misunderstand someone's motivation and thus should be held accountable for their mean actions. Failing to hold them accountable would make us enablers who are impairing their motivation for getting better.
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