I still don't understand...

I've recently been dumped by a BPD woman. I've read a few articles trying to explain why it hurts so much more when dumped by a BPD, but I still don't understand. It's been a 3 months and it still hurts like it happened yesterday. I understand the whole co-dependency thing but I've never been that way. Is it because of how abruptly it ended? The relationship didn't even last that long, so I don't understand why I still miss her. She went from telling me how good I make her feel about herself to telling me to never contact her again. I tried contacting her once since then and she told me to go away. I almost laugh to myself as I write this because it's so ridiculous... but it still hurts.

Hi, Blix! Maybe it hurts more because of the emotional intensity that she seemed to put into the relationship. I guess we can all become a little co-dependent under the "right" circumstances, even though we don't feel like that all the time. It sounds like she's being emotionally abusive so of course it's going to hurt. It isn't your fault.

Hi blix,

Unfortunately this kinda of hurt is common with BPD's because while you may have not noticed it but you spent alot of the time focused on her rather than yourself?

Time will heal. Its an all too common saying that absolutely no one wants to hear when its said but its a truth that cant be disproved. I believe that when you are depressed as the state that you say you are in there is a patented way to break out. Unfortunately it is out of your control, things just have to break your way, you may meet someone new, you may find a new hobby.ect.

If you have any questions feel free to post them and I'm sure someone can help you along your way.

Error.

Blix, I'm glad to see that Error and Jasmin have already welcomed you to the BPD forum. I also extend a warm welcome. I am sorry you are going through such pain. All the BPD ex-Partners (i.e., Nons) here will tell you they went through the same agonizing period.

One reason that you are hurting so badly, given that the relationship did not last long, is that you were rudely dumped right after the honeymoon period. You were idealized and made to feel like the best man on earth -- and then unceremoniously dumped with no (real) explanation and no closure.

Nearly all Nons stumbling out of a BPD relationship are confused and in pain. Yet, at least the rest of us had a much longer period to see the demonizing nasty side of our ex's behavior. It provides for a longer transition, although I am reluctant to say "better" transition.

Are you sure you don't have some codependency traits? If you have not done so, read about them to make sure. Some Nons mistakenly believe they have none of those traits because they normally are so self reliant. Codependency is badly named because typically those having it -- like me -- are fiercely independent people who will be taking care of three kids, two elderly parents, and four dogs -- and still go out looking for a potential spouse to take care of.

Codependents are caregivers who have such a powerful need to be needed that they will keep on giving and sacrificing even when it is to their great detriment. That is, they will not take care of themselves properly. Moreover, they grew up in a way -- perhaps with an alcoholic parent -- that taught them "being needed" is the same thing as "being loved."

Blix, all Nons coming out of a BPD relationship are confused and in pain. Some of that pain may not occurred, however, if you were not already vulnerable to it due to pre-existing issues you carried from childhood. Velouria, another Non like you, writes about this very articulately at post326413.html#p326413 .

I also suggest you read this short article by therapist Shari Schreiber: http://www.sharischreiber.com/salt.html . Like Velouria, Schreiber believes that the pain you are in presents a great opportunity to see some of your emotional issues that are now more apparent because of the pain you are experiencing.

Incidentally, please tell us how you came to realize in only a few months that your ex suffers from BPD. I ask because I lived with my ex for 15 years -- during which time I took her to 6 different therapists -- and was never told she has BPD. I learned about it on the Internet where I found that the classic books on BPD read like her biography.

Hi Blix.Welcome to the forum.Unfortunately the experience that you have relayed or rather the process that you are going through is not an easy one.In my case I dated a BPD gf for 3 & half years & as in your scenario she suddenly withdrew from the relationship.I have maintained no contact for 7 weeks now except on the one occasion when I mailed her (no reply).

I don't have all the answers & like you I still don't understand.I guess we NONS are so shell shoked because invariably we have been through a very intense ego massaging experience with the bpd where we are often placed on a pedestal & then from being their hero we are split black like the devil incarnate which leaves us reeling.What I can say is that it has been an extremely painful process; I have up days & down daysJust as one thinks you have things waxed something comes along & upsets the apple cart but I am trying to hang tough.Unfortunately with these folk it's all about THEIR needs & if they perceive that those needs are not being met (justifiably or not) they just up & move on to the next person.It's really that clinical & simple.Hope that helps.

jasmin wrote:Hi, Blix! Maybe it hurts more because of the emotional intensity that she seemed to put into the relationship. I guess we can all become a little co-dependent under the "right" circumstances, even though we don't feel like that all the time. It sounds like she's being emotionally abusive so of course it's going to hurt. It isn't your fault.

Thank you very much.

DowntownDC wrote:Incidentally, please tell us how you came to realize in only a few months that your ex suffers from BPD. I ask because I lived with my ex for 15 years -- during which time I took her to 6 different therapists -- and was never told she has BPD. I learned about it on the Internet where I found that the classic books on BPD read like her biography.

An image board, of all places. Someone posted a macro on BPD women and how to spot them, I think it was meant to be humorous, but it went into great detail. But what convinced me was the conversation that followed. All these people were discussing their experiences with BPD and it was like they were talking about me and this girl.

DowntownDC wrote:Are you sure you don't have some codependency traits? If you have not done so, read about them to make sure....

Blix, all Nons coming out of a BPD relationship are confused and in pain. Some of that pain may not occurred, however, if you were not already vulnerable to it due to pre-existing issues you carried from childhood. Velouria, another Non like you, writes about this very articulately at post326413.html#p326413.

I'll look into that. All my previous relationships ended with no problem. I mean, I was sad, but I quickly moved on. I think some of this pain comes from feeling duped. As attractive as she is, I felt something was off about her and rejected her advances for a while. She took the time to convince me that she was a right for me. I read somewhere that BPD's are not manipulative because they don't know what they're doing, can someone touch on this? The reason I don't believe that is because I remember being in bed with her when she said something very suspicious.. she said: "What if all of this is just a trick? It's not, but what if it was?"

ErrorType11Kid wrote:Unfortunately this kinda of hurt is common with BPD's because while you may have not noticed it but you spent alot of the time focused on her rather than yourself?

Isn't that what falling in love is about? I don't know how others don't spend a lot of time focused on someone they like.

ErrorType11Kid wrote:If you have any questions feel free to post them and I'm sure someone can help you along your way.

I've been reading a lot about BPD so I can get some perspective and learn to have compassion for her. But it hasn't really helped. I'm quickly learning that BPD's (some at least) are narcissists and probably don't regret their actions. I guess what I want to know is, do they get worse after hurting people? I almost wish they do. Is that bad? I know I would suffer if I hurt someone.

Blix wrote:I think some of this pain comes from feeling duped. ... I read somewhere that BPD's are not manipulative because they don't know what they're doing, can someone touch on this? The reason I don't believe that is because I remember being in bed with her when she said something very suspicious.. she said: "What if all of this is just a trick? It's not, but what if it was?"

Blix, as I discussed with DB in another thread, the answer depends on how you define "manipulation." If you use that term to mean your exGF had planned something in a shrewd and calculating way, I doubt she did that. It is possible, of course, but very unlikely. Due to the intense emotions sweeping through them, BPDs typically are very reactive to what they are experiencing at any moment in time.

They therefore do not try to be calculating very often and, when they do, are not very good at it. This is why I suspect that, if your ex was actually good at manipulation, she likely had another PD in addition to BPD that would explain that behavior. She may have strong traits of NPD, for example.

As to the way she pulled you into the relationship, that too does not appear to be manipulation. Like all human beings, she wanted to be loved. If she has strong BPD traits, as you suspect, she also wanted to be saved from her unhappiness. For BPDs, the intense emotions constitute their view of reality. So when she projected onto you the savior qualities that no human possesses, she really believed that you could save her. Like her, you also were partially blinded by your infatuation.

Hence, most of us on this forum do not characterize BPDs as being manipulative but, rather, controlling. Because their childhood experiences were so entirely out of control, and because they live in fear throughout their adult lives, it is understandable they have a desperate need to control things so as to feel safe. Unlike manipulation, "controlling" does not imply calculating or scheming.

I'm quickly learning that BPD's (some at least) are narcissists and probably don't regret their actions. I guess what I want to know is, do they get worse after hurting people? I almost wish they do. Is that bad?

Yes, that is bad. Very bad. Yet, if you really felt that way, you would not be here asking the question. Instead, you would be complaining to a buddy about the damn self-centered b*tch you once dated. So don't start beating yourself up for having a cruel thought float across your mind during moments of pain.

BPDs suffer 24/7 from a pernicious illness that gives them such an unstable self image that they don't know who they are and they often have trouble knowing this week what activities or things they will like next week. If your exGF actually has strong BPD traits, she is far harder on herself than she ever was on you. You therefore should do nothing -- and wish nothing -- that would add to her pain. After all, you can walk away from her illness. She cannot.

Yes, the illness has a strong component of narcissism in it. Have you ever met anyone in pain who is not self-centered? Are you not difficult to be around when you get only a bad headache or the flu? Well, BPDs are that way too. But they are not "narcissists." If they were, we would call them NPDs. Unlike NPDs, BPDs do not view other people as objects and many have much compassion and empathy for people posing no threat to them. And many of them have regrets about their past hurtful behavior, as you will quickly learn when reading BPD posts on this forum.

Whether they have regrets and compassion varies greatly depending on the severity of their illness, the particular combination of the 9 BPD traits they have, whether or not you pose a threat, whether they are self aware, whether they are in treatment, and whether they have another illness or disorder together with the BPD.

Keep in mind, when you are reading at the BPD sites targeted at Nons, their primary objective is to pull Nons out of toxic relationships to safety. They are dealing with newbie-Nons who are so confused and blinded that they can see nothing but the good features of their BPD loved ones. Those websites therefore make no attempt to present a balanced accurate picture of BPDs.

Instead, they typically present a harsh view that is at least as black-white in nature as the BPD splitting they are so quick to criticize. That is how you end up getting the mistaken impression that all BPDs are manipulative and lacking in compassion.

As crazy as she is... you loved her. You know you did.

SmileXx wrote:As crazy as she is... you loved her. You know you did.

What exactly is your point?

I'm sure some people loved their rapist as well, it doesn't make them complicit.

Blix wrote:

SmileXx wrote:As crazy as she is... you loved her. You know you did.

What exactly is your point?

I'm sure some people loved their rapist as well, it doesn't make them complicit.

Loving a rapist... sick and wrong. As a person who's been raped, I take offense to the idea anyone could ever love a rapist.
I also find you rude...
My point... is that love effing hurts no matter how short a time.
You ex's BPD probably has nothing to do with the fact that you're suffering, it's just easier to blame the crazy in us than to admit that you loved someone enough for it to hurt.