forgiveness

velouria wrote:I always feel like he loved the person he didn't know (me) and hated the person he knew (me). So when I was split white, he wasn't seeing me, but when I was split black, he was seeing me. Does that even make sense?

Makes perfect sense to me, Velouria. That is exactly how I felt after I understood BPD was involved. Like you, I felt my ex was not seeing me when I was split white. It seems that the only way she could stand being around me was to sugar coat me with the wonderful projections you get while being "white." As I have discussed in other threads, a BPD's perception of you is almost as distorted when you are white (by the savior projections) as they are when you are black (by the demonization projections).

I now believe that the only time my ex had a fairly clear perception of me was right when she was transitioning from white to black. That is, this glimpse of the real me was so horrifying that she immediately flipped into demonizing me. Hence, the glimpse of the real me -- made possible by my comment or action that did not follow her controlling script -- was what triggered her rage. I therefore believe she had her clearest view of me during the shocking glimpse but had only a distorted view during both the white and black periods.

velouria wrote:OK, you wanna know something really weird? I always feel like he loved the person he didn't know (me) and hated the person he knew (me). So when I was split white, he wasn't seeing me, but when I was split black, he was seeing me. Does that even make sense?

Hey V

It might be more useful to say that he loved idealising you (he loved the feeling it gave him) because it is this very feeling that takes a BPD 'out of' themselves. For me though this period felt all wrong somehow. I didn't like being a 'trophy' or put on a pedestal. It felt 'surreal'. And, to be honest, I always believed I was unable to live up to the image that was being projected:- the only way was down!

When someone then devalues you however it is completely baffling. Where once everything you did was perceived as 'wonderful' it is now reframed as nasty. Even my responses to HIS misdemeanours were regarded as cruel. What's stranger still is that my behaviour, my character, who I am, didn't change at all. His PERCEPTION did.

How can a person control or influence that? How can they even try? It's like trying to plait saw-dust.

It is probably closer to the truth to say that he didn't really see or know you at all - not really? Which is no reflection whatsoever on you, good or bad.

Db - your story is so familiar:- the pulling-back and then pushing-away is fundamental to BPD behaviour isn't it - and it is so disorientating. Once you step back from it you can (believe it or not!) see a pattern emerging out of the chaos. Hope you are feeling a bit better

V. -- What you said is very interesting. In hindsight, I don't think she was seeing me when she was splitting me white. I heard how I was the sweetest man in the world, and how wonderful I was, and how we were practically twins, and how because I was so good she'd forgive me even if I killed someone (I don't know why she'd say that but she did). But now that she's splitting me black I don't think she's seeing me either. I'm not evil or cruel or out to get her at every possible turn. I almost feel as though I'm not a real, breathing living person to her. I'm just an entity -- a vessel -- that she first filled with all her hopes and dreams of the perfect person to make up for all her past pain, and upon noticing the first flaw, she refilled that vessel with all her anger and fears. But either way, I'm a mirage. A shadow. Just like our relationship: a mirage and a shadow.

Here's a great srticle on splitting, http://nonborderline.blogspot.com/2008/07/splitting-and-non-borderline-experience.html

The comment, "Non borderlines need to detach from this borderline cycle experienced on the other side of BPD. It isn't easy. It is often what ends relationships. Whether you detach from the chaos and drama of it or not please know that trying to hang in there to rescue the borderline in your life can't and won't work." is SO true. Thing is I don't think the uBPD even realizes the consequences of this type of behavior. Now it makes me sad to think someone I care about deeply would even suffer like this

What I used to think was my ex being selfish probably ment that she just didn't ever get what she was experiencing. In my case had it only been splitting me I probably would have stayed for the abuse but because she did things like break up and run off to another man's bed, doubly wounding me that really got me everytime.

In my case had it only been splitting me I probably would have stayed for the abuse but because she did things like break up and run off to another man's bed, doubly wounding me that really got me everytime.

db, don't be so sure. And I certainly hope not. Splitting in any form is emotional turmoil. To whatever degree, the splitting never allows the relationship to progress naturally. The relationship is constantly in fits and starts, and never the slow process of building trust and creating intimacy.

velouria wrote:

In my case had it only been splitting me I probably would have stayed for the abuse but because she did things like break up and run off to another man's bed, doubly wounding me that really got me everytime.

db, don't be so sure. And I certainly hope not. Splitting in any form is emotional turmoil. To whatever degree, the splitting never allows the relationship to progress naturally. The relationship is constantly in fits and starts, and never the slow process of building trust and creating intimacy.

You're probably right V, though this woman had me bad as we actually started off having an affair together. I'm sure she split me several times thoughout the relationship but the ones I truly recognized is when she would goto another man for a couple of months before hoovering me back in. Heck, I even initaited the first hoover by showing up to her place one night and even though she was 'seeing" this guy she dropped him like a hot potato (I'm not sure she ever even let him know she was breaking things off...).

Believe me, I was responsible for a couple of our reconnections myself. But I imagine that to be somewhat normal in any break-up. It's part of the process. The difference here is we went back after being treated so badly! I think this is one of the areas on which I most needed work: I disconnected how I was being treated with how I actually felt. I hid my hurt feelings from the treatment in favor of hurt feelings from the break-up, and the only way I knew to soothe those hurt feelings was to run back to him.

I'm sure she split me several times thoughout the relationship but the ones I truly recognized is when she would goto another man for a couple of months before hoovering me back in.

Again, I think one thing to look at is WHY you didn't notice the splitting (unless she was cheating on you).