forgiveness

I have been in a relationship with a BDP girl for a year. The relationship has ended now. She recently broke up with me for good (it was the 8th time in one year). She has tried a couple of times but I didn't get into her usual "strategies" to get us back together, so is not coming back this time. I havent' heard from her in almost three weeks, which is completely unusual. In previous break ups, she would resume contact in just a few days. Now I am working on my stuff with my therapist: why did I get into this relationship, why did I stay, why did I take what I took from her, regardless of how abusive and cruel it felt, etc. Still, at this point, my head and my emotions go in oposite directions. But I am really struggling with my anger. I feel I need to be angry with her for all the abuse, but I can't because she as BPD, and I took the abuse, and taking it was strictly my responsibility. She left me 8 times in less than one year, and I agreed to get back together every time, at her pace, her way and in her terms. I am angry with myself and blame myself heavily for not having been able to set limits, to let her know what behaviours hurt me, for not having said enough... I didn't know she had BPD until two months ago just when the last crisis began. Up until there, I always thought she was goring through a especially rough time: she had no job, had separated last January from her abusiver husband, has an 8-years-old son, had difficulties with her friends... But none of these things could be justifications, just excuses. I didn't respect myself, so didn't respect me. I can't get passed this, and yet I feel that if I don't allow myself to be angry with her part (and not only understand her and forgive her), and forgive myself for my part (and not only blaming myself constantly), I won't get out of this hole I'm in.
Please, can anyone give me some guidance, feedback, opinion, reactions,.....?
Thank you.

I'm in me second go round with my uBPDw. She moved out on Christmas and I can tell you that your anger is OK. Use it, it's there for a reason. Just don't let it drag you down.
As to your behavior, it doesn't sound like you should be owning much. You got sucked in, as we all do. You could be angry with yourself but why? Because you loved someone completely (and unknown to you at the time unhealthily maybe). Keep up with the therapist, stay on track and make sure there's no contact. How could you know I know the feeling believe me. I feel like a fool for putting up with this, but I know what's gone on and am maintaining the boundaries and remaining the one in control.
What evidence do you have her ex was abusive? My uBPDw said her ex was a philanderer, but now that I've seen the patterns I HIGHLY question that. I always wondered why he refused to speak to her for years after we were together, hummm. But then my crystal ball is still in the shop. All I know is what she's done to me. Including, as I write this, domestic theft. There is a lot of stuff, little antiques and mementos that are gone and I will have to get those back as this funhouse expands.
Stay strong, point your anger where it belongs. You sound like a solid guy, just hoovered one too many times but coming out of the fog.

BTW, all along I have been accused of verbal abuse and the one who needed to get into therapy. Anger, yes, strong words yes. I would have the same reactions for any friend who had repeatedly used me.

JMR, welcome to the BPD forum. I see that Taggo (aka, PhoneThrower) has already stepped forward to support you. You couldn't be in better hands. Taggo has been going through the same pain, anger, guilt, and self-doubt since his wife walked out on Christmas day. If you want to get an idea of where you may be in two weeks, I suggest that you read the threads Taggo started. He is very articulate and detailed about the separation process.

jmribal wrote:I am angry with myself and blame myself heavily for not having been able to set limits, to let her know what behaviors hurt me, for not having said enough... I didn't know she had BPD until two months ago

What? Are you bemoaning the fact that you have a passion and zest for life? Are you complaining that, when seeing someone struggling in danger, you ran towards her while all other men ran away? Are you disappointed that you have the courage to jump feet first into a total emotional mess and try to fix things?

As I once told Shaken, those things are your strengths, not your weaknesses. They help define who you are, JMR, and all the therapy in the world is not going to remove them. No therapist would want to. Your problem was not knowing what you were up against. And why should you? Nothing in our culture prepares us for such a relationship.

On the contrary, we are constantly bombarded with "love heals all" and "you had me with hello" everywhere in the media. I am hopeful that, when the public schools eventually return to teaching good writing and math skills, they will begin teaching high school students how to identify basic traits of human behavior. At a time in their lives when they are starting to date, our schools should give them a better chance of avoiding toxic relationships.

jmribal wrote:I am really struggling with my anger. I feel I need to be angry with her for all the abuse, but I can't because she as BPD, and I took the abuse, and taking it was strictly my responsibility.

Taggo hit the nail on the head when he advised you to use your anger (with her) to keep yourself from being sucked back into a toxic relationship. When codependent newbie-Nons are in a LTR with untreated BPDs, I usually advise them to hold onto their anger until they are safely outside that relationship. Otherwise, they are unable to muster up the strength to leave. Every codependent Non (including me) can tell you that it would be like tearing off your own arm without having a strong painkiller. The anger serves as an anesthetic, keeping you out of pain long enough to reach safety.

As I said to Avillax earlier today, the anger is only a temporary crutch that must be quickly discarded when no longer needed. Yes, I recognize that all adults, including BPDs, must be held accountable for their actions or they will never have an incentive to improve. This does not in any way justify our being angry, however. Some of us need to use it, as a temporary crutch, to compensate for our weakness: the codependency. But then we should toss it aside when we can.

In your case, however, you have left after only a year, which is a good sign that you likely have strong personal boundaries. Yes, I know, you took her back eight times. But it is common for emotionally healthy guys to get so confused in the upside-down world of a BPD relationship that, for 8 months or so, they will lower their personal boundaries in a futile attempt to reestablish the conditions of the honeymoon period. So, unless your therapist says otherwise, your post above does not seem to indicate that you have a serious codependency problem. In contrast, I stayed 15 years, a sign of codependency par excellence.

You therefore should let go of the anger as soon as you are confident you won't get sucked back in. Meanwhile, don't beat yourself up over feeling angry toward her. As Taggo said, that anger is a good thing in that it made it possible for you to walk away from an abusive woman you loved -- and whom you very likely still love. Just be sure to get rid of that crutch when you are sure you are safe.

jmribal wrote:At this point, my head and my emotions go in opposite directions.

Getting a reasonable understanding of your BPD relationship at an intellectual level is the easy part. What is difficult is learning to internalize that knowledge so you feel it to be true at a gut level. This process of converting knowledge into wisdom is essential. Otherwise, you will never act on the basis of that knowledge because your inner child, perceiving it to be merely an abstract theory, will cripple you with nagging doubts and guilt.

Significantly, our child learns from emotional experiences, not logical thoughts. This is why I've argued, in other threads, that we must have emotional experiences to help our child catch up with the newly held views of our adult. The emotional pain you are going through right now is doing exactly that, helping to align your feelings with your new thoughts. This alignment is important because the child -- who determines what we enjoy and whom we love -- nearly always wins in conflicts with the adult.

Talking about your experience with friends and family also helps you internalize the knowledge by helping you get in touch with your feelings so that your mind associates them with the new thoughts. Unfortunately, your friends and family have a limited tolerance for such talk and a limited understanding of this disorder.

It therefore helps to come here -- to our "virtual group therapy" -- where you can communicate and share with others who are recovering from similar experiences. Moreover, when you read the threads started by BPDs, you likely will find that you learn as much from them as the Nons.

I seem to be following up in alot of DC's posts, but they are eye opening in many ways.

The emotional pain that comes along with this splitting can be immense and you can literally find yourself hopeless, not knowing what to do, not sure of yourself, and not sure of other people.

What people may not realize that this is your shining hour. You are not only stripped down to bear emotions and vulnerable, but you are still standing up to life and willing to come get help from forums like this.

There are tons of thread to help you with your emotional pain and as I have said, DC is a great helper.

Feel free to post what you like

Error.

DC, Error,
A good number of the things you both have said in your replies have been extremely helpful for me in the last weeks. Your comments about the gap between the rational and the emotional level of processing and understanding, and the importance of getting things resolved at the gut level have guided me since I first read them. I have been trying to work on the emotional part as much as possible, only to realize that the gut clock has its own pace and I can't rush it. Realizing this, actually, gave me some relief.

I am trying to allow myself to be angry, keeping in mind your image of the crutch. For too long, I have been putting her needs, feelings, moods, first, and denying myself the right to feel, to acknowledge, even to honor, whatever goes on inside me. Even now, weeks after I stopped hearing from her for good, I still do so. I'm going to try to see my anger as a healing force that will help me to put myself back on the front seat, and to stop blaming myself for things that I should not blame myself for.

I'm also trying to see the good things I did while in the relationship. Somehow, I seem to have internalized only what I seemed to have done wrong, always according to her, not me. It really shocks me now to see how much credit, and therefore how much power, I gave to her feedback, her opinions about me, her accusations.

jmribal wrote:I have been trying to work on the emotional part as much as possible, only to realize that the gut clock has its own pace and I can't rush it. Realizing this, actually, gave me some relief.

JM, what I found to be the very hardest lesson to teach my child (i.e., the "gut clock," as you say) was that my exW is incapable of ever being my friend. My adult dragged my child -- with him kicking and screaming every inch of the way -- to that shocking truth. It was a difficult task because my child had felt for forty years she was my best friend. So my adult had to persuade my child that my exW never had that capability.

To bring the child and adult into alignment, what helped me a little was talking about my new found knowledge to anyone who would listen. Well, that was good for a week. Then their eyes glazed over. So what helped the most was coming to this forum where I could discuss it with people who had been there, done that. Significantly, that helped my mind to associate feelings with each of the intellectual thoughts. That has to be done because the child only learns from emotional experiences -- not from logic.

As I discussed two days ago with Velouria, I found that writing and talking helps a person to internalize the information, turning knowledge into wisdom -- by connecting thoughts to feelings. If you doubt that, simply ask any university professor about its effectiveness. They will quickly tell you they never had an intuitive, deep-level understanding of their subject matter until they had to teach it to someone else -- or had to write it down very precisely when doing research. Hence, what I found most helpful, is talking about it to anyone who listens and writing about it to anyone who writes back.

I feel I need to be angry with her for all the abuse, but I can't because she as BPD, and I took the abuse, and taking it was strictly my responsibility.

jm, everything you wrote is so familiar to me!

There is one thing I have to say before I say anything more, and it seems flat, but it's true, with time your feelings will mellow. Do not fear these horrible feelings because they are temporary. They do not have a clutch on you. YOU have a clutch on them. And for a reason. Whatever you are feeling on the surface, anger at yourself is masking another emotion that you're afraid to address. Several months following my break-up with my BPD, I was stuck in anger for two months. I couldn't shake it. I thought I'd be in that state for the rest of my life (not attractive in a woman ).

I finally realized that the anger was a "safe" emotion for me. I could stay locked in that emotion and not address what was really eating at me: the fact that he scared me. I was afraid of him. I was afraid of the power he had over me. And I thought that he took my power from me, that he was so manipulative and all-knowing, that he was capable of extracting my power from me.

But, really, I gave that power to him. I handed it over. And I remember when it happened. I remember the precise moment from very early on in our relationship when I subverted my will to his. And it was over something so ridiculous and meaningless. It was over something that has zero bearing on my happiness and well-being. And zero reality. I don't even want to say what it was he said that inspired me to hand my power over to him because it would make me look incredibly pathetic.

You're allowed to be angry with her regardless of the BPD because, no matter the "why," the "what" still remains. You were treated very poorly. You were demoralized and devalued. I have a feeling you are having the reverse effect that I had. You are afraid to be angry with her so you are choosing to be angry with yourself. I was the opposite.

You're not hurting her by being angry with her. You're entitled to your anger. Use that anger constructively so you can heal. Just like DC suggests, write it out, engage in a dialogue, allow the wheels to turn and the gears to shift. You're on a journey right now and there are several rounds to go before you feel "normal" again. It will take a little bit more work, but you'll definitely get there.

What a great thread:- Velouria I am really enjoying your posts!

velouria wrote:But, really, I gave that power to him. I handed it over. And I remember when it happened. I remember the precise moment from very early on in our relationship when I subverted my will to his. And it was over something so ridiculous and meaningless. It was over something that has zero bearing on my happiness and well-being. And zero reality. I don't even want to say what it was he said that inspired me to hand my power over to him because it would make me look incredibly pathetic.

I know exactly what you are referring to here:- I also gave out this message, loud and clear, very early on in my relationship. The message was:- Do what you like, I will support you no matter what - I will not let you down as others have. I almost invited him to test that message in truth? Would I could go back to that moment in time Velouria.

DowntownDC wrote:It was a difficult task because my child had felt for forty years she was my best friend. So my adult had to persuade my child that my exW never had that capability.

Hey Downtown - how are you?

I wondered if you had ever come across the idea of 'Complicated Grief' and how this can affect our recovery from loss (in general). In essence it speaks of 'complicated' relationships with those we lose - how in your case you may have been losing your wife, your best friend AND your 'childhood' friend too. I think it affects the speed at which you heal. In my case I had known my ex all my life - it is a big wrench when you lost someone who is so entwined with you isn't it? In some ways it is like losing a part of yourself since the way in which we 'learn' about ourselves in our younger years is through our relationships with others. They almost become a 'part' of our very personality and losing them is as close as we might get to losing 'ourselves' (a bit like that 'arm' you leave behind when you leave them?). Would that make sense to you?

JM - keep going! It sounds as if you are doing so well and understanding such a lot in a short space of time. It will get easier - I promise.

Hi Normal, thanks for your kind words.

The complexity that you describe is precisely why it took me as long as it did to get to where I am today. Don't get me wrong, I'm not fully healed. If I was, I wouldn't be here. Sadly, and in spite of everything, I still yearn for him. I'm trying to figure out the reason for this, actually.

But I can say with certainty that my healing sped up significantly when I focused on ME and my preexisting damage. I took the focus off healing from him and directed it towards healing the contusion with which I entered the relationship. I believe this is why it's apparent I have strong personal boundaries, because I became selfish. Which was scary because before all this, I always thought being selfish was a negative. Well, back then it was. This is a new kind of selfish. This is a selfish that cares for my "child," as DC might put it. It is a kind of selfish that is self-soothing, self-nurturing, self-protecting, self-loving, and self-disciplining.

I am still working on this. The other day I was in a social situation and fell back on my typical coping mechanisms for enduring large groups of people. All of this was totally unnecessary. I am still on a learning curve and I still have blind spots. We all do and will. This selfishness is on a continuum, just like a parent's care for her child. A parent doesn't just make a statement and press "go." A parent continuously soothes, nurtures, protects, loves, and disciplines her child.

Miraculously, as focus has turned inward, I've become more grounded and realistic and less willing to subvert my well-being to others.