forgiveness

ErrorType11Kid wrote:The emotional pain that comes along with this splitting can be immense and you can literally find yourself hopeless, not knowing what to do, not sure of yourself, and not sure of other people.

Yes this emotional pain can be immense (can anyone say waking up in the middle of the night because of anciety and thinking about their ex?). I read in a post yesterday something that really rang true for me, it was how the hurt didn't even really come from the "breakup" but from the ice coldness that our partner displayed at that moment and for however long during what I like to call the "ignoring" stage post breakup.

When I read that it was EXACTLY what I have hated most about the breakups I endured. Once I was split, it was as if me exGF became literally a different person! She went from loving, smiling, being needed, etc. to this ice cold bitch without any emotions it seemed. She seemed indifferent and very unemotional. THAT what has always hurt me the most, to see those defenses up when a day before there was so much life!

I'm finding myself not only having to realize my relationship was really a big fat lie because of the BPD piece, it wasn't love but addiction, the things shared with me had been and will easily be shared with other men but also that I had to deal with two very different people who were really one in the same. I just wish I could have held on to the "good" one...

velouria wrote:Sadly, and in spite of everything, I still yearn for him. I'm trying to figure out the reason for this, actually.

V, realize that right now you are not the only one feeling EXACTLY like this. It's been nearly 2 months since my last contact and 2.5 since she ended things again. Today as her birthday approaches and I found out she has plans with what used to be our mutual friends and of course her new guy (you know the one she said they were only friends but then was sleeping with him the night she broke things off...) I openly find myself hoping she'll find a way to contact me. I know it's not healthy but that's how I know I'm addicted, she's like my crack cocaine and I want another fix!

Hi db,

The best thing to do when you're in that mode is to not be afraid of that feeling. Acknowledge it and answer it with something healthy. You need some love and warmth. You know she can't be depended on for that. You know it isn't the healthiest thing to look to another woman for that while you're still healing. So give that to yourself. Take care of yourself and keep yourself warm.

I know you're probably already in this frame of mind, so this is just a reminder. That feeling of yearning cannot be mended by this woman. She cannot fill that emptiness. She cannot offer you a salve for your burn. If she were to reach out to you, she could never mend your wound, only exacerbate it. He reached out to me 6 weeks ago and, though the words were sweet and in an attempt to right his past wrongs, I immediately recalled all the pain I felt in relation to him. Even though I had been consciously begging the gods to send him back to me. As soon as he was back, I recoiled. This is how I know.

velouria wrote:The complexity that you describe is precisely why it took me as long as it did to get to where I am today. Don't get me wrong, I'm not fully healed. If I was, I wouldn't be here. Sadly, and in spite of everything, I still yearn for him. I'm trying to figure out the reason for this, actually.

Hey again Velouria

There are a few hypothesis around 'why' we find it so difficult to recover from these kinds of relationships? Some are about them and some are about us. Like you, I decided a while ago to concentrate on the 'about us' bit of that equation. This has thrown up some unpalatable truths and I'm not keen on all of them. It has also drawn my attention to some of my more admirable attributes too. I like that bit better.

However the painful things I've been learning about myself are the things that are going to help me grow. There's nothing surer. I have tried to stop batting them away, burying them under a cushion or putting them in a cupboard somewhere. I've started to look at them more closely, disseminate, bisect, investigate, interrogate. It isn't a comfortable thing but it is slowly changing who I am - not fundamentally but in a much more subtle way. And what's more I'm starting to like it? I truly have not learnt so much in such a short space of time since I was at primary school!

I also yearned for my ex. I thought it would never end. Then, he contacted me after several months of 'no contact' and thus several months of 'me time', time when I had reanalysed and reframed the relationship. My first reaction was a 'cringe'. Then nausea. Even though my 'gut' hadn't fully accepted and integrated everything my 'head' had learned, it still knew that this was a bad idea. It gave me a kick in the jacksy and I deleted the message. Sure enough, some time later, came the raging and bile because I had not responded. My head gave my gut a hand-shake and since then the two have become much closer friends!

dbruning wrote:THAT what has always hurt me the most, to see those defenses up when a day before there was so much life!

Db - I must agree:- this is AWFUL. It is such a shock to the system and I am certain it is a lot of the 'why' we struggle so much with these relationships. It is partly because we are SO baffled that we begin to question our own reality. In our minds such a thing is impossible - it's beyond the realms of understanding. I spent months trying to reconcile the 'true and false' selves and I still can't do it. I'm sitting here shaking my head! Still!

I also yearned for my ex. I thought it would never end. Then, he contacted me after several months of 'no contact' and thus several months of 'me time', time when I had reanalysed and reframed the relationship. My first reaction was a 'cringe'. Then nausea. Even though my 'gut' hadn't fully accepted and integrated everything my 'head' had learned, it still knew that this was a bad idea. It gave me a kick in the jacksy and I deleted the message. Sure enough, some time later, came the raging and bile because I had not responded. My head gave my gut a hand-shake and since then the two have become much closer friends!

Ha! That's exactly what I felt when he contacted me. And, honestly, I believe that feeling was felt in times prior, only I had convinced myself that only he could soothe the pain he caused. I was caught in that cycle. So, because I totally lacked self-awareness, I ignored that feeling and went to the one that convinced me that he could make me feel OK again.

That cycle is a self-created construct. It does not have to exist.

V - I just read your earlier post and realised we had typed the same thing! BIZARRO!

velouria wrote:And, honestly, I believe that feeling was felt in times prior, only I had convinced myself that only he could soothe the pain he caused. I was caught in that cycle. So, because I totally lacked self-awareness, I ignored that feeling and went to the one that convinced me that he could make me feel OK again.

I agree wholeheartedly:- it was almost delusional the way in which I associated him with assuaging rather than causing the pain. As I know now the human mind and body will do anything in its power to avoid being hurt - anything. It will even bamboozle itself into believing black is white and vice versa. I have realised since that accepting he WAS the pain meant the relationship was over and that I could not even remain his friend, or indeed help (should I say, save) him.

So there came a point when I began to associate him with the anxiety and 'made the link' if you like. For a time that made me even more baffled? How could I possibly have loved this person? Why had I? Those were the (far more difficult) questions I was left with. It opened up a whole can or worms. But you can catch fish with worms can't you, big shiny fish than swim free in the ocean.

Normal, I think you and I are on the same track! We're not alone! We're not alone! *does dance*

I think what we're talking about right now is some valuable advice for our friend, db. Be in the moment. Be conscious of how you feel. Learn to feel what you're feeling. When you feel sad or bad, tend to it as you would when you get sick or injured.

It seems like silly advice, but it really was the most important learning opportunity for me.

This thread has been so helpful to read. Thank you all who post so honestly about their feelings and what they've been going through. Having experienced the icy coldness myself yesterday after 3 months of no contact (It was an accidental run in), I doubted my own sanity and I guess it's natural to do so. With any other relationship, the spat I had with my friend would have been patched up 2 months ago. To think someone would hold such strong anger was hard to swallow and made me feel terrible for a while. I'll have several days where I feel strong and over everything, and then a memory, a rediscovered email that I thought I'd deleted, or an accidental run in, and I'm miserable. But I know on days when I'm feeling good, I'm focused on all the blessings in my life and the good things that I will share with the people who care about me without putting me through hell. And I know on those days, the cuts are indeed healing.

DJChuz wrote:This thread has been so helpful to read. Thank you all who post so honestly about their feelings and what they've been going through. Having experienced the icy coldness myself yesterday after 3 months of no contact (It was an accidental run in), I doubted my own sanity and I guess it's natural to do so. With any other relationship, the spat I had with my friend would have been patched up 2 months ago. To think someone would hold such strong anger was hard to swallow and made me feel terrible for a while. I'll have several days where I feel strong and over everything, and then a memory, a rediscovered email that I thought I'd deleted, or an accidental run in, and I'm miserable. But I know on days when I'm feeling good, I'm focused on all the blessings in my life and the good things that I will share with the people who care about me without putting me through hell. And I know on those days, the cuts are indeed healing.

I'll make this quick cause I have a date with my therapist... but THANK YOU so much V and Normal! That's exactly what I needed to hear today!

DJChuz-I know that feeling. Initially in my post I was referring to all the times right after a break up when she became to lifeless but after reading your post about your run in I recalled another time that I wanted to share. After a horrible second breakup where we had actually been living together (police came three times in one week, smashed laptops, cell phone, holes in wall, she cut her wrist with a broken glass, etc.) it was somehow decided I would move out. During the two weeks I was still there looking for a place (she was at her parents) she was of course sleeping with an old flame (I had a gut feeling but she lied when I asked her), then on the day I'm moving out she calls for help and I do. Then a few days later she asks me to watch the dog at our old place for a week and I did (she had some excuse and I was happy to be "helping" her, lame), then we slept together. It seemed like things were patched up (though I was moved out) but a day after she got back she was very anxious one day and we got into a huge fight and I was very mean to her because she basically said to me, "what did you think we were getting back together, it wasbreakup sex."

Ok, short story long...after that we went almost two months without speaking and only a few emails about house stuff. Then I saw her at an event in town where we had mutual friends and she never even looked at me. A week later she calls me up a bit drunk and suggest I come pick her up and I do and we hook up and begin dating with more of the same...I just remember how cold she was and then a week later I'm at her new apartment crying for her not to hurt me again and she's stripping off her clothing!

Normal, thanks so much for the suggestion to read about "Complicated Grief," which I just did. That is very interesting and it may well have applied for the first year after separation. I am now over three years post separation and believe that I am no longer grieving the loss of my exW, step kids, and grand kids. Yes, of course, I do miss them and always will miss them. But I have pretty much let go, recognizing that those people have severe limitations and likely are doing their best under those constraints. As to my exW, I now feel that the separation was one of the best things to ever happen to me, freeing me up to be more who I am. Although I knew her for 40 years, she never was capable of seeing who I am.

Although I knew her for 40 years, she never was capable of seeing who I am.

OK, you wanna know something really weird? I always feel like he loved the person he didn't know (me) and hated the person he knew (me). So when I was split white, he wasn't seeing me, but when I was split black, he was seeing me. Does that even make sense?