He's abandoning me and doesn't even care

The NPD's side of the story:

narcissistic-personality/topic131294.html#p1345758

helloagain wrote:The NPD's side of the story:

narcissistic-personality/topic131294.html#p1345758

I just read that, and it actually sounds 100% like the behaviour my very recent ex did with me..

That's literally the relationship we had since day one. s: Not going to go and say he has it, buuuut seems highly likely considering he has these 5 down to a T:
1. Lacks empathy
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of ideal love
3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique
4. Requires excessive admiration
5. Has a very strong sense of entitlement

Man.. that would totally make a lot of sense. ugh

iate wrote:I don't know you, but believe me, I, a stranger from Internet, am proud of you. Really. You've done the right thing and I can guarantee that if you manage to bear all the pain that's going to happen, then you'll be the proudest person on this planet. At least I was. Nothing, and by nothing I really mean nothing, gave me more strength and confidence boost in my life that breaking up with toxic ex. That's the best thing I've ever done to myself and I hope you'll be so proud of yourself soon too.

And both of you - don't be ashamed to ask for help. You have some mental problems and it's justified that you can struggle with the break-ups. Call your friends, call your family. If needed - take calming pills (not overtake). Do anything to survive this period.

I honestly feel pretty good, but he did show some classic npd signs (going by the url shared/and looking more into it).. which I never really put together until now, so I'm half-convinced after reading 15 pages from that url helloagain posted that he will try to come back. He's always been good at manipulating my mental illness into getting me to stay with him. I'm just hoping he does the decent thing and doesn't harass me.

On the plus side, as of yesterday I began taking a supplement that does level me out quite a bit. I'm quite glad I got it though. I mean without it I don't think I would have been able to even breakup with him this morning. In my head he seems threatened by it. Literally made veiled threats about not seeing me until my "off" days, because you're only supposed to take it 4/5 days of the week. Which usually a threat like that would immediately have me not taking it anymore, but not this time.
I'm happy though. I feel good. It feels like a "real" good feeling, and not me just pretending I'm fine.

But thank you, I really do appreciate the support and encouragement. It means a lot, even if we don't know each other aside from maybe reading each others posts once in awhile.

Breytt wrote:I honestly feel pretty good, but he did show some classic npd signs (going by the url shared/and looking more into it).. which I never really put together until now, so I'm half-convinced after reading 15 pages from that url helloagain posted that he will try to come back. He's always been good at manipulating my mental illness into getting me to stay with him. I'm just hoping he does the decent thing and doesn't harass me.

Well, my toxic ex (who wasn't NPD, yet he's shown typical behaviour of "I want what I cannot have") decided that I was the one and the loved me more than anything as soon as I found another boyfriend

iate wrote:Well, my toxic ex (who wasn't NPD, yet he's shown typical behaviour of "I want what I cannot have") decided that I was the one and the loved me more than anything as soon as I found another boyfriend

My ex back in October after being broken up for 3 weeks started telling me he "loved" me for the first time in our entire relationship.. Which I 100% believe was just to try and satisfy me, and not that he actually felt that way. I'm half-convinced he'll come running back saying bs like " we're so good for each other. We couldn't do the things we did together with other people. I love you so much. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it." blah blah blah, just to get me to come back.

I actually find it kind of pathetic that every time we breakup he does run back.. Almost as if he's afraid of being alone. I mean I'm not personally afraid of being alone. Yeah it hurts at first, except apparently not this time, ( ) buuut after awhile I actually feel so much happier when single than I ever have in relationships.

Breytt wrote:buuut after awhile I actually feel so much happier when single than I ever have in relationships.

When single I'm quite high-functioning (except strange episodes). When in relationship: I tend to be medium- to low-functioning. Conclusion is simple

iate wrote:

Breytt wrote:buuut after awhile I actually feel so much happier when single than I ever have in relationships.

When single I'm quite high-functioning (except strange episodes). When in relationship: I tend to be medium- to low-functioning. Conclusion is simple

Be single for the rest of our lives?? haha.. That's the conclusion I've come up with. Although I really do want a meaningful, loving relationship. I just always manage to mess it up. Or maybe they mess it up by not adoring me and wanting me forever after only 3 weeks.

Breytt wrote:
Be single for the rest of our lives?? haha.. That's the conclusion I've come up with. Although I really do want a meaningful, loving relationship

Oh, me too, but then I remind myself "be rational"

DT1095 wrote:Im also a non and the first thing that springs to mind for me is he seems NPD. I know theres not much to go on but your relationship sounds like my uBPD ex wife and her husband who I'm am certain is NPD. He stays out until all hours with no explanation and treats her the same way.

Guy blatantly avoids relationship problems instead of dealing with them or breaking up. Yep, obviously NPD, nons definitely don't ever do that. It definitely has nothing to do with OP's passive-aggressive acting out, the guy just must have a personality disorder as well.

OP, your boyfriend has been a total douche to you. He's messed around with you, he's acting like a child, and he's treating you like crap. That said, there are a few things I've noticed where you could probably use a little perspective as well.

dd2300 wrote:oh I guess I drank too much and took too many pills. He's just mad that I didn't ask to take his pain pills. Not concerned about my well being or mental state.

You had a nasty hangover but apparently seemed otherwise fine. Did he have any reason to take this more seriously? I'd be pissed, too, if I had prescription pain pills and somebody took them just to make some kind of point. You would be, too, if the tables were turned.

If drinking and waking up hungover is a common occurrence, as it is with millions upon millions of people, there's no reason for alarm and concern, absolutely none. If acting out with vaguely kinda-sorta-but-probably-not suicidal ideation is something you'e done more than once already in this relationship can you honestly be surprised if he just interprets it as manipulation and attention-seeking? Most people don't understand self harm and suicidal ideation (especially without actual intent to go through with it) or the deep pathology behind it, and it isn't realistic to expect him to read more deeply into this.

dd2300 wrote:Wouldn't get me soup or gatorade or anything.

Well it's not like he was up all night pouring vodka and pain pills down your throat. I mean you weren't dying, and the whole thing followed a huge fight and looks like little more than passive-aggressive attention seeking behavior. We both know it's more complicated than this, your boyfriend obviously does not "get" pathological disturbance though. Not much incentive to be all warm and caring when he's just feeling manipulated and controlled.

dd2300 wrote:I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make him care and put me first.

Relationships aren't quite like that, though. He does have to be able to take care of himself and have some time to himself and with his friends. Even if you two got married today, he still needs some part of his life independent of you. A relationship absolutely will not work if you expect your partner to just drop everything and always pour 110% into you. He will become resentful, and if he's lacking in social and relationship skills, instead of walking away you'll get what you're seeing from him now--a bunch of passive-aggressiveness and avoidance.

He actually sounds a lot like my husband's friend, she behaved this way toward her husband leading up to filing for divorce because it was, to be blunt, all about him, at the expense of herself and her own needs. It destroyed their marriage, they can't even be friends years after.

dd2300 wrote:he feels like he has a ball and chain attached to him.

You need to listen to him when he tells you how he feels and what he needs. You're being very clingy and needy, and suffocating him. At no point did you express concern for his well being, it was all about you and what he can do for you. He kept making excuses to come home later and later and later. Was he just out with the guys and an insensitive prick or, after everything that's happened between you two lately, is it possible he was just hesitant to come home to what would obviously inevitably turn into another fight?

It's a shame he won't grow up and talk about how he feels and what goes through his own head beyond vague "feel like I have a ball and chain" statements and completely avoiding the problem by not coming home. I would take that as a sign that he isn't mature enough to handle a relationship, actually. I always found it mildly amusing when a person with a PD communicates more clearly and succinctly than a supposed "non". If you can't convince him to open up SOON about his side of the conflict then this relationship is probably a bust and you'll do better to prepare yourself for a breakup.

At the same time I'm seeing a pattern of complete refusal to see things from his perspective unless he draws it in crayon. You're going to have to learn how to put yourself in somebody else's shoes. Empathy is hard, and it sucks, but it's vital for a relationship to be successful.

-- Mon Feb 06, 2017 5:23 am --

DT1095 wrote:Im also a non and the first thing that springs to mind for me is he seems NPD. I know theres not much to go on but your relationship sounds like my uBPD ex wife and her husband who I'm am certain is NPD. He stays out until all hours with no explanation and treats her the same way.

Guy blatantly avoids relationship problems instead of dealing with them or breaking up. Yep, obviously NPD, nons definitely don't ever do that. It definitely has nothing to do with OP's passive-aggressive acting out, the guy just must have a personality disorder as well.

OP, your boyfriend has been a total douche to you. He's messed around with you, he's acting like a child, and he's treating you like crap. That said, there are a few things I've noticed where you could probably use a little perspective as well.

dd2300 wrote:oh I guess I drank too much and took too many pills. He's just mad that I didn't ask to take his pain pills. Not concerned about my well being or mental state.

You had a nasty hangover but apparently seemed otherwise fine. Did he have any reason to take this more seriously? I'd be pissed, too, if I had prescription pain pills and somebody took them just to make some kind of point. You would be, too, if the tables were turned.

If drinking and waking up hungover is a common occurrence, as it is with millions upon millions of people, there's no reason for alarm and concern, absolutely none. If acting out with vaguely kinda-sorta-but-probably-not suicidal ideation is something you'e done more than once already in this relationship can you honestly be surprised if he just interprets it as manipulation and attention-seeking? Most people don't understand self harm and suicidal ideation (especially without actual intent to go through with it) or the deep pathology behind it, and it isn't realistic to expect him to read more deeply into this.

dd2300 wrote:Wouldn't get me soup or gatorade or anything.

Well it's not like he was up all night pouring vodka and pain pills down your throat. I mean you weren't dying, and the whole thing followed a huge fight and looks like little more than passive-aggressive attention seeking behavior. We both know it's more complicated than this, your boyfriend obviously does not "get" pathological disturbance though. Not much incentive to be all warm and caring when he's just feeling manipulated and controlled.

dd2300 wrote:I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make him care and put me first.

Relationships aren't quite like that, though. He does have to be able to take care of himself and have some time to himself and with his friends. Even if you two got married today, he still needs some part of his life independent of you. A relationship absolutely will not work if you expect your partner to just drop everything and always pour 110% into you. He will become resentful, and if he's lacking in social and relationship skills, instead of walking away you'll get what you're seeing from him now--a bunch of passive-aggressiveness and avoidance.

He actually sounds a lot like my husband's friend, she behaved this way toward her husband leading up to filing for divorce because it was, to be blunt, all about him, at the expense of herself and her own needs. It destroyed their marriage, they can't even be friends years after.

dd2300 wrote:he feels like he has a ball and chain attached to him.

You need to listen to him when he tells you how he feels and what he needs. You're being very clingy and needy, and suffocating him. At no point did you express concern for his well being, it was all about you and what he can do for you. He kept making excuses to come home later and later and later. Was he just out with the guys and an insensitive prick or, after everything that's happened between you two lately, is it possible he was just hesitant to come home to what would obviously inevitably turn into another fight?

It's a shame he won't grow up and talk about how he feels and what goes through his own head beyond vague "feel like I have a ball and chain" statements and completely avoiding the problem by not coming home. I would take that as a sign that he isn't mature enough to handle a relationship, actually. I always found it mildly amusing when a person with a PD communicates more clearly and succinctly than a supposed "non". If you can't convince him to open up SOON about his side of the conflict then this relationship is probably a bust and you'll do better to prepare yourself for a breakup.

At the same time I'm seeing a pattern of complete refusal to see things from his perspective unless he draws it in crayon. You're going to have to learn how to put yourself in somebody else's shoes. Empathy is hard, and it sucks, but it's vital for a relationship to be successful.