He's abandoning me and doesn't even care

So I was diagnosed about 2.5 years ago when I was in a horribly abusive relationship. I left that relationship about 15 months ago and got involved with another man. I started to believe my BPD outbursts were from being with a toxic person and eliminated them from my life. When I got with my new boyfriend, I briefly told him about it and that I used to go to therapy and take anti depressants but wasn't anymore. That's the only time I've ever really talked about it with him. It hasn't ever really come up because our relationship has been great and so has everything in my life and I haven't had many outbursts. I've had a few but he's always been great about it.
Well the last few weeks we've been arguing and not getting along very well. He's always out with guy friends staying out until 2 or 3 in the morning when I have a 6am wakeup time. He hasn't shown me any love or made any effort to hug or kiss or cuddle me or tell me that he loves me. I've told him this and how it makes me feel. He doesn't see how he's doing anything wrong. I've told him like you haven't told me that you love me in 2 weeks. We haven't cuddled or been intimate at all. Well Monday he left to go to casino (he and his friends think they're professional poker players). I didn't hear from him all day. I finally called him at like 130am and was like where tf are you. I have trouble falling asleep alone or when I'm expecting him home and he knows this. Says he'll be home soon and refuses to tell me where he is or who he's with. I had drank a couple glasses of wine and when he pissed me off i started drinking vodka and took a pain pill and left the bottle out. I wanted him to know that i had done all that as a coping mechanism I guess. He doesn't get home until 330 am or notice anything. I wake up the next day with the worst hangover I've ever had and he's like wtf is wrong with you and I was like oh I guess I drank too much and took too many pills. He's just mad that I didn't ask to take his pain pills. Not concerned about my well being or mental state. Wouldn't get me soup or gatorade or anything. So that night were talking and I'm telling him that I need more. That he needs to step up and make me a priority otherwise it's not going to work. We don't really finish the conversation.
Wednesday comes around and we both had to be up early. He asks for sex and I say no like you haven't shown me anything I don't even want to have sex with you until you do. He says well fine I'll just find it somewhere else. I say ###$ you. He leaves to go play golf with friends. He texts me that he's staying the night at the casino 2 hours away. I tell him no that's not okay with me I need you here we need to talk about stuff and I need you to put me first. No reply. I get home from work around 11 and he's not home. I send him a text saying I can't believe this, you're so selfish, you need to make me a priority or I'm done. He texts back ok then. So Thursdays here and I'm working, doing my stuff and come home around 5 and he's still not home. I go out with girlfriends and get home around d 11 and he's still not home. I got no text or call from him or anything. He finally comes home at 230 am. I get up this morning and go to work and came home around noon and he's gone. I call him and I'm like where are you, am I ever gonna see you again? Back out with the guys. I say fine and we hang up. I text him and say I hate that you're doing this I've needed you here and you just keep leaving. He says he told me he was going and i said that was Wednesday it's now Friday and I still haven't seen you and still won't until tomorrow. He said well there's a great tournament that I want to play in. I said fine hope it's worth it and he's just like hope you have a good day.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make him care and put me first. He's abandoning me when I need him after he hasn't shown me any affection in weeks. I want to cut myself or drink myself into a coma to show him that I need him and make him realize. Bit I don't want to be that girl or do that to myself. I haven't cut in over a year and I don't want to start again. I don't want to be toxic and manipulating him into caring or staying. But I don't want to be abandoned like this. I need him here loving me. I've begged him and he just doesn't care. Everything has been so perfect for over a year and this is all coming put all of a sudden. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I want him to know how much he's hurting me with this.

I am really sorry you are going through this - sounds like he was great for a year and now he is going back to his old ways and acting like he is single. It is not right that he isn't giving you anything you need right now - you have told him you want him around more, want affection and want to feel important and he is not doing any of the changes you want - so really he is telling you with his actions that he doesn't care at all, that he likes being out with the boys and partying and coming home at all hours. You need to make him realize once and for all that he needs to put your relationship first.

All of my former relationships were with guys like this, although not to this extreme with the partying. It would end up in me acting like a crazy person screaming and crying and bawling for attention and when that didn't work, I would go in a rage and that certainly didn't help.

I know he used to be great, but it sounds like now it would be better than being with someone like him. I know you hope he will go back to being the great guy he was when you first met him, but he likely won't.

I know it totally sucks to be alone and feel abandoned, but it also totally sucks to keep letting him treat you like this.

I'm not a professional just someone who has been in a similar situation. People without bpd don't know how we feel. Swing side, we don't know how people without bpd feel or think. You must remember that always. And unfortunately(because it's so hard to make yourself do this) if you need something you have to ask for it and put in the extra effort on your part to show your significant other what exactly it is youre wanting and needing.

My husband is the same way he doesn't talk about his feelings and when I draw away from him because something has upset me he doesn't naturally know what to do- he naturally steps back as well waiting for me to give him a signal for what I want. When I respond with anger it makes him feel I want him to draw away even more. I know the situation's aren't exact but it could be helpful to be mindful you might be sending signals that most people without bpd would take to mean something differently all together! Also sitting down and talking about it is very important. It has to be explained to him that you feel certain ways for seemingly (to a non bpd person) no reasons to him but that you need reassurance and validation anyway even if it is just an acknowledgment that that person's knows you are upset and why. Alot of times I will tell my husband something that upset me and triggered a feeling of abandonment and he will acknowledge it and usually tell me how he thought the situation played out (this is always a work in progress and he did not do this naturally at first I had to explain to him I needed it) and then usually It will help me seperateI myself from seeing the situation just emotionally on my end. I think it's important to be with someone who understands this or it will be very hard to communicate and both if you will feel very upset. Have you gone through any treatment to learn coping mechanisms for irrational feelings or thoughts? (Not irrational to you but to people without bpd or other mood disorders.)
I hope nothing I said upset you and maybe helped a little

I also feel sorry for you. Been that, done that.

Firstly you have to understand that your BPD has nothing to do with it. Do not even try to blame yourself. I've got friends that are mentally healthy and they also were in your situation. You just have a bad luck to be with a guy who is extremely toxic.

Sad to say, but he seems not to care about you anyway. In my opinion - you should end the relationship. I know it's hard, it'd be hard for everyone, and it might seem impossible for someone with BPD. However, toxic relationship is not going to work anyway. It's not healthy for the "oppressed" person, not to mention for pwBPD.

Basically, you have 3 options.

1) You do nothing - this relationship would suck everything from you, you would die mentally a few times a week, the suffering would be destroying you. And in the end he'd dump you anyway.

2) You can try - I know from my experience that having BPD only makes it worse. Your frantic efforts to make him love you would not only work, but they would also make you feel like $h***t. You'd probably end humiliating yourself and slowly loosing any respect for yourself. I feel like a fool talking about self-respect, since I, having been in your situation, did everything to lose mine. Yet - as you'd do these things you've mentioned you'd like (like cutting) - you'd start hating yourself inside. Anyone would'd hate himself as he tends to humiliate himself, yet I guess pwBPD can bring the "do not leave me" efforts to the whole new level.
Bad news - in the end he'd probably dump you anyway.

3) You can leave him. I know how it sounds, but believe me - a week or even month of totally black misery as the relationship is over is practically unbearable. Yet - it WOULD END eventually. And gaining self respect is definitely worth that.
You can't make him love you anyway. Really, nobody can. Staying with him would mean that a few times a week you'd fall into the worse mood ever. You'd suffer no matter what you do. But staying with him can mean that you'd suffer for months or years. Leaving him is suffering for weeks.

I am a non and I agree with iate. Your boyfriend is behaving too selfishly even for a non!

I am of two minds about this: on the one hand, yes I agree that he is not treating you well. If you're in a relationship, you owe it to your partner to talk things out when there are problems and figure out compromises and solutions.

That said, demanding that someone put you first is not something I think is useful. Contrary to popular belief, relationships don't work best when people put each other first; they work best when people take care of themselves first and foremost. Forget what he's doing - YOU need to take care of yourself. BPD convinces you that you "need" someone else's love and affection and security, but it's a lie. There is not enough love in the world to fill that void from the outside in. It must be filled from the inside out. Every time you demand he love you or make you a priority, you are giving in to your own insecurities and making yourself vulnerable to the pain of rejection and abandonment. It's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. As difficult as it is, the only real solution is to stop looking outside of yourself for validation and security.

I realize that might sound a little harsh, but I say it out of care and from years of experience. I was diagnosed at eighteen and it wasn't until I turned thirty that I finally started to grasp this concept and apply it. I went through a brutal year of living alone and facing my inner void and it nearly killed me - but coming out of it, I found a strength that you would not believe. I know now that no one else will take care of me the way I will, no one else can give me what I can't find within myself. And that core of security and confidence makes me MORE attractive to people. Instead of fearing my desperation, they are drawn to the groundedness I now have. Of course I still have problems (oh man, plenty of them) but I no longer have the tumultuous and painful relationships I used to.

I know you're feeling suicidal and desperate, and that makes sense. I encourage you to contact your psych and talk to them, go inpatient if necessary, whatever it takes. But focus on YOURSELF. Don't let this person dictate your feelings and your sanity. If he cares for you, he'll come around. If not, it isn't worth torturing yourself over.

Just wanted to say that it is possible to get past this stuff. You do not have to ride this rollercoaster for ever. I was on it for years and I can't tell you how glad I am to be off. It is a battle, but worth it, and you can do it too. <3

Im also a non and the first thing that springs to mind for me is he seems NPD. I know theres not much to go on but your relationship sounds like my uBPD ex wife and her husband who I'm am certain is NPD. He stays out until all hours with no explanation and treats her the same way.

Thank you so so much everyone for this. Waking up to all of this was the greatest thing.
Yesterday I did text and say can you please come home and he asked why so I told him that I miss him and I didn't want to be alone. And he said he would. This was at about 1:30pm and I work at 6. He was out of town and said that he would be home at 3. Then he said he needed an oil change. I asked him it can't wait one more day and he said no, not at all but he'd be home at 3:30. At 3:15 he texts and says it's taking longer than he thought and that he'd be home at 4:30. I asked him why he waited so long to tell me that and then he gets mad, called me crazy and said that he feels like he has a ball and chain attached to him. Then he texts and says that he's on his way. 15 minutes later he says that he ran out of gas and has to wait for tow truck. At this point I don't believe him at all and I just ignore it. He leaves a message saying he'll be home at 5:30. I leave for work at 6 and call him a couple of times until he finally answers at 7 and I'm like wtf like you can't tell me you're going to be home at a certain time then ignore me for 2 more hours and his only response was that I irritated him and we could talk when I got home.
When I got home he was already asleep so I woke him up. He's been out until 2 and 3 every single night this week but goes to bed before 12 when he's actually home? I told him that I didn't believe his string of excuses today and I asked if he made it all up. He said no but when I asked if he could show me a call to the tow truck or a receipt from oil change he wouldn't. I expected that but still wanted to make a point about it. I told him that I was having a really hard week and needed him here and he just left and didn't care. He never wants to talk about how he sees things. He always resorts to 'well you're always right and I'm always wrong'. I told him no you can't do that we need to have a conversation about it and I tell you how I see things but you never participate. He would only say that he's not in love with me anymore, doesn't see a future, and can't deal with me needing him and that he's felt that way for 3 months. It hurts but I feel relieved to actually know what's going on now.

Pleaseeee leave him. I was in a very similar situation for the last year and a half, and I should have listened earlier when people told me to leave. Not only was he toxic to me, but he became abusive. Eventually after going through so much heartache I ended up becoming verbally abusive towards him too.. It wasn't good. If you went and asked a hundred Non's about your situation I guarantee the majority would say it's a toxic relationship. It isn't normal. It's disgusting how little he cares about you.

Maybe you'll end up stuck in the rut I was in though. I hope you aren't. My ex and I were breaking up every fight we had, but I always ran back due to my abandonment issues. It didn't matter that he threw things at me, or had me scared he'd hit me.. I just kept running back. It was awful. I hope for your sake you can leave and never go back.

I just broke up with him today, and with how I'm feeling and the new supplement I'm taking I actually feel strong enough to just be done. I always had to convince myself, and be convinced by others, to breakup with him.. but today I just did it. I was calm, and did it. I'm just so sick of feeling like $#%^. I deserve better, and so do you.

dd2300 wrote:It hurts but I feel relieved to actually know what's going on now.

I'm again really sorry that you have to go through all of this. Try your best at not hurting yourself and not begging him back. I think it's gonna hurt like hell, but EVENTUALLY you'll be free of that pain and feeling.

Breytt wrote:I always had to convince myself, and be convinced by others, to breakup with him.. but today I just did it. I was calm, and did it. I'm just so sick of feeling like $#%^. I deserve better, and so do you.

I don't know you, but believe me, I, a stranger from Internet, am proud of you. Really. You've done the right thing and I can guarantee that if you manage to bear all the pain that's going to happen, then you'll be the proudest person on this planet. At least I was. Nothing, and by nothing I really mean nothing, gave me more strength and confidence boost in my life that breaking up with toxic ex. That's the best thing I've ever done to myself and I hope you'll be so proud of yourself soon too.

And both of you - don't be ashamed to ask for help. You have some mental problems and it's justified that you can struggle with the break-ups. Call your friends, call your family. If needed - take calming pills (not overtake). Do anything to survive this period.