Bits of my life, looking for support/advice

No matter what I do, I feel this void of emptiness. How am I supposed to feel better?
I mean, I might feel great in the very first moment, but after that, I start questioning myself why I even feel happy, when there's nothing serious about it. And I start feeling bad, ashamed or angry.

A colleague just paid attention to me. Wow, somebody noticed me today.. And so what? That doesn't mean anything, it won't change my life in any way if someone told me 'Good morning today' or asked me for a course.

I got a good mark... I always end up asking myself how the teacher can be so naive and not see my real potential, which is way below what he thinks. I always manage to 'fake it'. But when I got a mark which is under my expectancies, I'll end up thinking that I'm worthless and I should give up on everything. I don't even study in the field I want to, because of my parents and my lack of expressing my thoughts to them. Eh.

My parents.. I usually talk to them nicely on the phone. (we don't live together right now; i'm in college.) Even though I don't mean it. And I live under huge emotional pressure. So I sometimes call my father to rant about my problems. But I usually prevent myself from doing that, because it's too tempting to rely on him for help.

Why would I expect great things to happen to me? I know I shouldn't ever expect anything good, because humans are, without exception, mean. The irony is, if they do happen, I consider them some sort of undeserved luck. And I'm tired of trying to fix them. So many failed attempts. Why would I expect others to like me? I see only a mess in myself. But for some reason, I still want that. But I'll just drive that person insane in the end.

See, I've had this online friend for about one yr. We've met each other on a site where ppl could join groups based on their experiences and post their own there. He happened to be heartbroken, so I start comforting him by saying stuff I didn't even believe in ('you'll be fine, don't worry'). As if I was mimicking empathy, but not feeling a tiny bit of it. I felt like I was 'doing my job', but no feeling. Of any kind. And he started saying how much of a great person I am and so on. While I didn't understand why. Things got a lot worse this fall... Starting college, starting a form of self-harming, drinking more often than usual (and alone) when I feel really horrible, not being able to focus on my work for long. It might be related to this or not, having those depression-like episodes again. I don't understand how I used to listen to so many things this guy said without getting angry or defiant. He even told me twice, 'no matter what i say, it seems it's a mistake.' I decided to leave, warning him before doing it. He told me that he wanted to share one more thing with me before I leave, which was that I remind him of his ex-gf, whom he still considers to be an awesome person (hell no, what? no, no. this is so wrong on so many levels. man... just don't .-.). I have deleted my account on there, we're not in touch anymore. And during this year, I haven't felt anything good. No compassion, no 'good vibes' inside me. Only these last months, my episodes of anger have worsened a lot. And guilt, too. I ended being... frustrated, I guess? in this friendship.

There are only rare moments when i'm in a great mood. And i get overexcited over stupid things, and then i start feeling guilty.

Oh, and one more thing to mention. My problems with the opposite gender. I have these days (it happens 2 or 3 times a week) when I can't even listen to almost any guy and look at his face. You might say that it's fine to have such moments. But they do happen way too often. It prevents me from social interaction and I start acting in a weird manner in those moods. Those thoughts of biting and licking someone's skin... argh. I can't get them out of my head that easily. And they only seem to worsen.
'Get a bf', you might say. Whenever someone shows up any possible sign of liking me, I usually run away or I start being weird, thus repelling them away. I have to think logically and to force myself to do such things, to follow the 'usual' way of doing things. Isn't that a bit ironic?
I've had this good friend for a while, we've met more than 2 yrs ago. We got along so well the first months. I'm not really good at reading hidden meanings. (I just don't know how to read them most of the time, because i have so many different possible interpretations in my head.) But I could tell you there was always a spark of attraction between us.. Nothing happened between us, even though things could have been pushed further. I felt he was.. innocent in a way and I couldn't disturb him by making such a step. Hm, he got very depressed this last year because of a girl he liked a lot, but rejected him. We haven't talked much this last year, compared to the first year. It wasn't really great for me. I'm thankful that I was at least able to focus on studying something I really like, while I can't do that now.
This year, I asked him to be great friends again as we used to be... I know, it sounds dumb. Things like that don't happen overnight. And it didn't even lift up my mood. At all. We talk now once a week or so, nothing more, nothing interesting. I still appreciate the first year of our friendship, he proved to be a good person, despite my usual problems and ranting. It's just so tempting to take advantage of him, you know? I don't even want something serious... I can't see him as my 'bf'. I want him to be free, not to get emotionally involved to that level to me. But having 'fresh meat' which awaits to be played with... it drives me nuts at times.(I'm not a cannibal, in case you wondered, lol. Just a bit aggresive.) I mean.. it'd be so easy to try. But i just stay here, pondering and pondering. He seems to be almost... delicate? hard to explain whatever that means to me. What if I try that? What if?

These are only a few of my problems at this moment. I feel like I don't belong to anywhere, not even to this forum where there might be more troubled ppl than me. It seems like nobody is going through what I'm going. Sorry for ranting. I'm tired of that 'do whatever you think is best for yourself'. If someone could decide for me, it'd be simpler. Argh.

I don't think I have a solution to offer, but thought I'd at least share my perspective - the main thing I pick up from your post is a general dissatisfaction or confusion about who you are and what you want. That's a classic BPD thing. Hell, that's a classic human thing, it's just more intense and pervasive for borderlines. I used to always have that sort of empty, hungry, swirling void inside. Like looking in the fridge for something to eat but nothing looks good. But you keep looking.

College is definitely a stressful time, especially since it's frequently held up as a time to "find yourself" and experiment with identity, while simultaneously trying to maintain good grades and some semblance of sanity.

Socially, it sounds to me like you do want connection, but don't believe you deserve it and/or push people away or cut them off when you fear either rejection or too much closeness. Also pretty typical BPD behavior. I think that's one of the most frustrating parts of the disorder.

It says in your signature you have been considering seeing a therapist for quite a while. I would highly encourage you to do so. Whether or not you decide to engage in regular therapy, it can be really validating to get a professional and outside opinion on your experiences.

I was diagnosed at eighteen with BPD and have participated in a lot of therapy, a research study, tons of meds, etc. My symptoms have changed a lot over the years, and I generally consider myself a "recovered" borderline. That instability of self, though, that one persists, albeit in different forms.

The emptiness used to drive me crazy, but I finally started to accept it. I now think of the emptiness inside me as a connection to the emptiness of space, the void. That void is infinite potential. It sounds trite, perhaps, but I feel that on a very deep level now. For me, a lot of the path to that understanding was through occult studies and practice, but I know that's not for everyone. Just my experience.

I encourage you to talk to a professional, but if you're not ready don't push yourself. Keep posting and reading. I wish you well!