Ever exp wanting to change appearance to win someone back?

Thought to start another topic.

If you are interested, this is my background story: borderline-personality/topic190269.html

I honestly don't feel confident right now. When it's a girl I extremeley like I often feel like I am not good enough. If its a girl I'm not so interested in I'm mostly normal/lack motivation to do much. I wanted to reach out to a girl with BPD who I had a falling out with but my excuse in holding back is that I am just not good enough for her yet. I am already in good shape to be honest but I was working on getting more fit anyway. I've been reading a lot of books lately too. Basically I've been working on myself hardcore and I question my motivations sometimes. Finding a job, getting better at cooking, getting better at all sorts of things. Sometimes I tell myself yep I'm doing it for me so I feel great - which I do and so I'm going to keep working on my self in all aspects I want to be better but secretly I feel like I am also doing it as a way of impressing her. Like she is an inspiration/motivation. Having her notice me again and thinking wow Ive changed. Shes gonna love the new me a lot more. Is that such a bad thing? I think it's a perfectionist tendency too. It's like I tell myself hmm maybe I'll reach out to her next year instead until I have everything completely sorted. That I'm not that interesting right now and feeling ashamed at times. Until I feel like my very best etc. Then she'll most likely forgive me and take me back when Im doing great and looking great. I know it's lame. I don't know what I am asking. Has anybody ever felt this way? Holding back and feeling like you wanting to change/transform yourself because you want to win an "ex" back? I am sorry if all of this sounds lame. I just need to like myself for who I am right now.

I bought (and very intently studied) two books on Vietnamese culture and one one about the Vietnamese language because of a girl who promptly proceeded to shoot me down like a Cessna at a party of F-22's.

So yeah, I know what you mean.

Casper wrote:I bought (and very intently studied) two books on Vietnamese culture and one one about the Vietnamese language because of a girl who promptly proceeded to shoot me down like a Cessna at a party of F-22's.

So yeah, I know what you mean.

Yay I am not alone. I would do the same thing... Everytime I really really really like someone I study everything they like to impress them. I do that secretly though. I just want to be perfect for them kind of thing cos of my interest level.

I can relate to a lot of this. For the most part, I usually think about trying to lose weight faster and dress better. I've been doing it slowly on my own, but when I feel I could get someone's interest, I want to do it as fast as possible because I irrationally connect every rejection with the fact that I am fat lol.

But other than that I often feel I can't or shouldn't date anyone until I am "good enough." Whatever that means, it seems to switch lol. Mostly it's looks, sometimes it's money, sometimes it's just confidence/mannerisms. But then I remind myself there are a lot of people out there who are super good looking, super successful, basically seem "perfect" but they still can't find love, so.

witchessabbath wrote:I can relate to a lot of this. For the most part, I usually think about trying to lose weight faster and dress better. I've been doing it slowly on my own, but when I feel I could get someone's interest, I want to do it as fast as possible because I irrationally connect every rejection with the fact that I am fat lol.

But other than that I often feel I can't or shouldn't date anyone until I am "good enough." Whatever that means, it seems to switch lol. Mostly it's looks, sometimes it's money, sometimes it's just confidence/mannerisms. But then I remind myself there are a lot of people out there who are super good looking, super successful, basically seem "perfect" but they still can't find love, so.

Good point. Being perfect doesnt necessarily mean you'll find happiness and love. I have a feeling Id still have the same problem anyway like.. oh people only like me because im perfect. And that truly felt like the case with my ex who thought of me as perfect. I knew she was in idealisation and how she saw me of course didnt match how I felt about myself. Always a no-win and just have to snap out of it when I think this way. I also feel really bad when I catch myself wanting to do something like this for someone elses approval, love, whatever because I know its unhealthy. I can find love in whatever shape I am in and what I have now. I know that but how I feel is still the same. Similar to you I am or will be rejected because of [whatever reason i think of at the time].

Curiously1 wrote:

witchessabbath wrote:I can relate to a lot of this. For the most part, I usually think about trying to lose weight faster and dress better. I've been doing it slowly on my own, but when I feel I could get someone's interest, I want to do it as fast as possible because I irrationally connect every rejection with the fact that I am fat lol.

But other than that I often feel I can't or shouldn't date anyone until I am "good enough." Whatever that means, it seems to switch lol. Mostly it's looks, sometimes it's money, sometimes it's just confidence/mannerisms. But then I remind myself there are a lot of people out there who are super good looking, super successful, basically seem "perfect" but they still can't find love, so.

Good point. Being perfect doesnt necessarily mean you'll find happiness and love. I have a feeling Id still have the same problem anyway like.. oh people only like me because im perfect. And that truly felt like the case with my ex who thought of me as perfect. I knew she was in idealisation and how she saw me of course didnt match how I felt about myself. Always a no-win and just have to snap out of it when I think this way. I also feel really bad when I catch myself wanting to do something like this for someone elses approval, love, whatever because I know its unhealthy. I can find love in whatever shape I am in and what I have now. I know that but how I feel is still the same. Similar to you I am or will be rejected because of [whatever reason i think of at the time].

Yeah it's pretty tough man, I'm coming to terms myself that the problem isn't what others think of me, it's what I think of myself. I don't think any of these external things can make any of us happy, but we still keep chasing...

Yes, I can relate. I think it has a lot to do with identity disturbance and approval seeking. Several years ago there was this guy and I lost lots of weight to be more attractive for him. I got into the music he was listening to AND I got a matching tattoo. Needless to say, I have no idea where he is now and what he is doing as he left soon after I got it. I am still stuck with the damn thing!

Curiously1 wrote:Yay I am not alone. I would do the same thing... Everytime I really really really like someone I study everything they like to impress them. I do that secretly though. I just want to be perfect for them kind of thing cos of my interest level.

Oh, I did it secretly. Apart from the folks at the book store, you're the first people to know I even have those books! She spoke English, so I wasn't worried about her directly, but I was planning for the whole "meet the parents" thing. Okay, so I was horribly overthinking things - wasn't the first time and has already proven to not be the last.