Friend with BPD. Advice would be appreciated.

angelinbluejeans wrote:I am more inclined now to advise: end it now whether she wants the relationship or not.......trust me...move on...

Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it

I am curious about your comments, "end it now" and "trust me... move on". I gather from that the path ahead would not be so bright if I maintained the friendship. Apologies if I am reading this wrong or reading too much into it.

Thanks again, angelinbluejeans

mostlyghostly wrote:Most people with BPD are not malignant and actually feel really terrible when we realize we have hurt someone. And different people with BPD have different coping methods for when we realize we have hurt someone.

For me personally I will back away and try to cut off. It's a combination of negative emotions but the prevailing one is that I realize I am emotionally dangerous to someone and the only way I know how to deal with it is to break things off, it's like the only way I can "protect" the other person from myself.

It sounds like your friend was already trying to protect you from herself when she explained she didn't want to "offload" onto you. So there is a strong chance that she has continued to be distant as part of a strategy to not upset you, which in turn would make her feel even more unstable.

So I would say that it's really completely up to you. If you WANT to send a "how are you" message every now and then, then do so. But it would also be normal for you to go with the distance and just let things be.

Completely agree with all of this! I think the last paragraph sums things up nicely.

sunshine20 wrote:

angelinbluejeans wrote:I am more inclined now to advise: end it now whether she wants the relationship or not.......trust me...move on...

Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it

I am curious about your comments, "end it now" and "trust me... move on". I gather from that the path ahead would not be so bright if I maintained the friendship. Apologies if I am reading this wrong or reading too much into it.

Thanks again, angelinbluejeans

Nobody can make that decision for you without knowing your friend, yourself, and the entire situation.

It's up to you to decide if it's healthy to continue or not but if you do, concentrate your energies elsewhere. It's not unusual for those with BPD to vanish or go quiet for weeks or even months then come back once things in their life changed.

Point is, it requires considerable emotional maturity and a healthy ability to detatch and be ok with that, to maintain any kind of meaningful relationship like this. You need to ask yourself if you are at that stage right now, or if you are liable to be damaged by the actions of this person, if so, it may be better to detatch completley from the situation.

BuffDaddy wrote:Nobody can make that decision for you without knowing your friend, yourself, and the entire situation.

It's up to you to decide if it's healthy to continue or not but if you do, concentrate your energies elsewhere. It's not unusual for those with BPD to vanish or go quiet for weeks or even months then come back once things in their life changed.

Point is, it requires considerable emotional maturity and a healthy ability to detatch and be ok with that, to maintain any kind of meaningful relationship like this. You need to ask yourself if you are at that stage right now, or if you are liable to be damaged by the actions of this person, if so, it may be better to detatch completley from the situation.

Thanks BuffDaddy

I've definitely detached somewhat, and accepted the friendship is not intensely close as it once was, and most likely won't be again. I understand, to a degree, the struggles my friend goes through. I am moving forward with my life, and am on a different path now, so there are a lot of things to keep me busy

mostlyghostly's explanation resonates with my situation as my friend definitely retreats when she is emotionally charged. She's non-confrontational and keeps a lot of things to herself. She has never abused me. Whilst there were things she did that were hurtful, I know it wasn't deliberate.

I really appreciate your comment - it's given me a lot to think about. For now though, I will accept things for the way they are, and leave her to it. I won't reach out to her. Instead, I'll focus and me and my life going forward. If she comes back... well, I'll see how I feel then. And if she doesn't... then I haven't waited around for her to reach out.

cboxpalace wrote:

mostlyghostly wrote:Most people with BPD are not malignant and actually feel really terrible when we realize we have hurt someone. And different people with BPD have different coping methods for when we realize we have hurt someone.

For me personally I will back away and try to cut off. It's a combination of negative emotions but the prevailing one is that I realize I am emotionally dangerous to someone and the only way I know how to deal with it is to break things off, it's like the only way I can "protect" the other person from myself.

It sounds like your friend was already trying to protect you from herself when she explained she didn't want to "offload" onto you. So there is a strong chance that she has continued to be distant as part of a strategy to not upset you, which in turn would make her feel even more unstable.

So I would say that it's really completely up to you. If you WANT to send a "how are you" message every now and then, then do so. But it would also be normal for you to go with the distance and just let things be.

Completely agree with all of this! I think the last paragraph sums things up nicely.

Thanks cboxpalace. Appreciate your comment