Friend with BPD. Advice would be appreciated.

Hi All,

Not sure where to start with this, so I'll keep it short and to the point.

My best friend of a number of years has BPD. She started retracting from me some time ago. I didn't understand what was happening at first, and I admit that I made mistakes in how I handled some situations. I did get frustrated and angry, not directly at her though. I began to distance myself as I was confused and hurt. The issue got worse because of my actions - she would then give me dirty looks if I saw her, would hide from me, or ignore me. At this point she started hanging out with a new group of friends. Then other times I would see her and she would be happy and loving again.

I did talk to her about her pulling away from me. She said she loved me, was sorry, and it was due to issues in her life and she didn't want to offload on me, but would get back to normal. That didn't happen though. So I gave her space and thought she would come to me when she was ready. That hasn't happened either.

I'm really not sure where we are at with this friendship, to be honest. The last time I saw her she told me she loved me and cried as I was saying goodbye (I have changed direction in my life). I have sent her a few brief, friendly messages since then, and she is friendly back, however she does not initiate contact anymore.

I suppose I am looking for a bit of advice on this. Do I just let her go or do I reach out every so often with a "how are you?" type message. She is a beautiful person. I've seen her anxiety take over at times when I have been near her, I don't want to be that trigger for her, but I'm not sure what I can do?

Your insight is appreciated. Thanks in advance

Most people with BPD are not malignant and actually feel really terrible when we realize we have hurt someone. And different people with BPD have different coping methods for when we realize we have hurt someone.

For me personally I will back away and try to cut off. It's a combination of negative emotions but the prevailing one is that I realize I am emotionally dangerous to someone and the only way I know how to deal with it is to break things off, it's like the only way I can "protect" the other person from myself.

It sounds like your friend was already trying to protect you from herself when she explained she didn't want to "offload" onto you. So there is a strong chance that she has continued to be distant as part of a strategy to not upset you, which in turn would make her feel even more unstable.

So I would say that it's really completely up to you. If you WANT to send a "how are you" message every now and then, then do so. But it would also be normal for you to go with the distance and just let things be.

Her sending you 'friendly messages' is good. If she gave no response, I suppose the relationship is over...right?

mostlyghostly wrote:Most people with BPD are not malignant and actually feel really terrible when we realize we have hurt someone. And different people with BPD have different coping methods for when we realize we have hurt someone.

For me personally I will back away and try to cut off. It's a combination of negative emotions but the prevailing one is that I realize I am emotionally dangerous to someone and the only way I know how to deal with it is to break things off, it's like the only way I can "protect" the other person from myself.

It sounds like your friend was already trying to protect you from herself when she explained she didn't want to "offload" onto you. So there is a strong chance that she has continued to be distant as part of a strategy to not upset you, which in turn would make her feel even more unstable.

So I would say that it's really completely up to you. If you WANT to send a "how are you" message every now and then, then do so. But it would also be normal for you to go with the distance and just let things be.

Thanks so much for your reply. It does make perfect sense. I did second guess the reason she gave me when I found out she had been spending a lot time with a new group of friends, and I thought they were the reason for her dumping me.

We were very close prior to her pulling away, and she had displayed romantic gestures, which confused me as we are both straight. I didn't say anything about it as I had no idea how to approach the subject with her. Plus I didn't want to upset her. So I suppose that could have added to her negative feelings as well?

Once again, thanks so much for your reply

angelinbluejeans wrote:Her sending you 'friendly messages' is good. If she gave no response, I suppose the relationship is over...right?

Ahhh yes you are right

Thanks for your comment!

sunshine20 wrote:

mostlyghostly wrote:Most people with BPD are not malignant and actually feel really terrible when we realize we have hurt someone. And different people with BPD have different coping methods for when we realize we have hurt someone.

For me personally I will back away and try to cut off. It's a combination of negative emotions but the prevailing one is that I realize I am emotionally dangerous to someone and the only way I know how to deal with it is to break things off, it's like the only way I can "protect" the other person from myself.

It sounds like your friend was already trying to protect you from herself when she explained she didn't want to "offload" onto you. So there is a strong chance that she has continued to be distant as part of a strategy to not upset you, which in turn would make her feel even more unstable.

So I would say that it's really completely up to you. If you WANT to send a "how are you" message every now and then, then do so. But it would also be normal for you to go with the distance and just let things be.

Thanks so much for your reply. It does make perfect sense. I did second guess the reason she gave me when I found out she had been spending a lot time with a new group of friends, and I thought they were the reason for her dumping me.

We were very close prior to her pulling away, and she had displayed romantic gestures, which confused me as we are both straight. I didn't say anything about it as I had no idea how to approach the subject with her. Plus I didn't want to upset her. So I suppose that could have added to her negative feelings as well?

Once again, thanks so much for your reply

No it's not like you added to her negative feelings. It's probably more like things became too emotionally intense for her, and her best strategy (based on her current coping abilities) was to back away and move on. This wouldn't be something you "did" to her, just something that happened and was nobody's fault. Moving on to a new group of friends can be a distraction, as well as a way to not be alone while also trying to make distance with someone else.

The bottom line is that it's beyond your control, and it's okay for you to move on.

Thanks again for your reply, mostlyghostly. Much appreciated

Move on and get on with your own life, but leave the door open for her.

Your most recent interactions have been friendly and welcoming so she knows the door is open.

You can't control her actions nor should you try, all you can do is leave the door open and welcome her back if she walks in.

BuffDaddy wrote:Move on and get on with your own life, but leave the door open for her.

Your most recent interactions have been friendly and welcoming so she knows the door is open.

You can't control her actions nor should you try, all you can do is leave the door open and welcome her back if she walks in.

Thanks BuffDaddy. I will do that - move on and leave her to it. It's up to her now if she wants to keep in touch.

Thanks again

I am more inclined now to advise: end it now whether she wants the relationship or not.......trust me...move on...