Hello (please help, just returned from deployment)

Hello, I'm not really sure where to begin, I think like many some times I feel like I've fallen through the looking Glass. My wife isn't formally diagnosed with anything and I'm not trying to label her, but reading up it explains a lot of things I'd ignored for a long time and I've been using a lot of the coping methods for years without realizing it. Her father is bi-polar so shes terrified of being diagnosed with ANYTHING. She will rarely see a family practitioner more than a few times, let alone sticking with a counselor or therapist for more than a few weeks to my knowledge, and she generally won't admit to seeing anyone. I'm basically proceeding with life using this as an assumption because it’s the only thing that has made sense...

To hit the current highlights -

-Married 9 years, together for 12. Previously stable relationship, wifes emotional issues turned primarily against herself. She often goes internal and shuts down, bouts of depression ect. She would often despair and become depressed or try to initiate hostility with me but I've almost always stopped, realized she was hurt/upset and addressed her needs first.
-Son is 6, daughter is 2.
-I'm active military, returned from deployment 2 weeks ago after a 6 month deployment. Wife stays home with kids and has not worked since prior to our relationship.
-Wife had a girlfriend the last 2 months while I was deployed. I expressed opposition at least while I was gone to this but she made it clear she was doing it anyway. Found out she had lied about us separating because "girls wouldn't respond to her if she had a husband".
-New girlfriend is also military and deployed out a week before my return, is aware that we are married but chose to believe my wife that we were separated despite my notifying her we were not (which got my wife the angriest she has gotten so far)
-New GF feels any involvement with me is "cheating" and my wife has chosen to honor this. I have moved into the guest bedroom, she won't go out with me in public socially ect.
-About 6 weeks ago (last month of deployment), my wife seems to have split me off. She deleted all emails in which she discussed (and criticized) her GF. She also began reciting an extremely distorted view of our history and outright fabricating much of it (theme of abandonment ect.). If I calm her down, she sees its untrue, but she maintains decisions she makes in that state regardless of their justifications being false.
-She wants a divorce, but blames me for her financial dependency and our situation (although our duty station was her choice, staying in was her choice ect ect)
-She often fears me and when agitated believes that I am plotting against her (I'm not, still trying to salvage our marriage though)
-Wife feels any actions taken towards the GF are me attacking her, meanwhile GF is free to attack me at will.
-Wife saw a marriage counselor on the day of my return, she lied to the counselor about how she felt, then said she wanted a divorce the following day. This stemmed from the counselor noticing that I wasn't the guy my wife described, and she shrugged off his questioning of her honesty/perspective to his face but refused to ever see him again after.


-I want to change in the ways that will make her happy, I know I can now that I'm realizing her entire reality is different than mine, everything is making sense, but can I come back from being split like this?
-I have enough proof to show the GF that my wife has been lying to her about the state of our marriage or even have the GF brought up on charges of adultery for the information she already had. I don't want to do this, but it feels like as long as my wife has that relationship to cling to and pit me against, she won't give us a chance. At the same time, I hesitate to use a "nuclear" option like this if my wife is simply going to find a relationship with someone else, and I don't want to play into her narrative of me ruining everything that is good for her and being out to get her.
-Most of her friends are military women or wives, and none of them really know what has been going on. A few know she wants a divorce, a few know about the GF, none of them have enough info to put together what shes actually done or that she was shopping around for a new life while I was taking care of her. Should I embrace our shared network of friends/family who are going to pressure her towards me? They all think I'm nice...because I am, but now my wife turns this against me that I have them fooled and that I used to smother her. I'm just not sure what to do.


I'm not really clear how to proceed from here. My wife is aware that her reality is somewhat fluid, and has admitted that I'm not behaving and I have never been the monster she has created of me in her mind. However, she still maintains that I have somehow ruined her life despite being unable to say how (I supported her through grad school, which she quit during her thesis, built her business literally which she also quit and gave away after 2 years, and have supported her through her current sports/non-profit efforts, which she now blames me for "ruining" despite being the president of the organization). Keeping things focused around her, her needs and that she is going to be okay keeps her calm. If she has a bad day with her GF my wife turns that on me, and if I express concern for our children and my involvement going down the road she also lashes out at me. Since coming across the BPD support material the last week things have gotten noticeably better at home, but honestly her condition and stability has continued to deteriorate. Her mood can shift in minutes. The other day she broke some of our pictures and told me that she would leave so I could have the kids "all to yourself" when I just said I was concerned about how involved I would get to be and that if I was honoring my commitment to take care of her and the kids financially she still needed to honor her commitment to remain in the area so that I could be a daily presence instead of following her GF to her next duty station.

The most important thing out of all this are my kids. I don't want a divorce because I know I'm going to lose most of my time with them, and honestly despite all this and the past, I do love my wife. I also know that they'll be fine either way, but that if I create an enemy out of my wife, I'm going to see them a whole lot less. I also have genuine concerns for how stable she is, and that if I'm not around to be her target for her moods and outbursts, is she going to end up turning that on the kids (which I've already seen some signs of).

Thanks, I know this is one heck of an intro, but its taken things getting this bad to see what I think is actually going on and if it isn't already too late I know I don't have a lot of time to try to save things.
Pat

Hi Pat

im a "non" with two bpd exs and am also ex military. Your story sounds all too familiar. I dont think it would be right of me to advise you as i couldnt make the relationships work. One thing ive realised since learning about bpd is how common it is in the foces community.

I can appreciate that, thanks.

What advice would you give assuming it wouldn't work out?

Kids first was my mantra. Dont get them involved. Dont say anything about their mum in front of them. Dont buy them or use them. They will be confused enough. My divorce was quite nasty. I wont stereo type pwBPD as its a spectrum dissorder and all are individuals with different experiences.

what I will say is prepare for the worst and anything less will be a bonus.

Read up as much as you can. BPD is a complicated dissorder but is also in a way simple to understand.

PM me if you want to chat. Ive just moved so havent got my internet connected yet so may not reply straight away.

I've been checking in on this thread since it was posted, but I totally agree with DT1095.
very good advice and points made. wishing you the best, OP.

I guess to be direct I have a few decision points I'm approaching.

The first is whether to directly confront/combat the other relationship. I think with that going on I am the threat, and with that relationship over she will see that I still care for her.

The second is if/when/how to involve anyone else. Part of her narrative is that no one likes me, everyone thinks I'm a jerk and they've offered to shelter her from me and she's tired of me usng her to make friends. The reality is that I stay in touch and check in with many of them while I'm deployed to see how she's doing and if there is anything I can do for her or she needs that she isn't telling me about, randomly send flowers or get her a gift just because, things like that. I'm not day mg that they get a vote in my wife staying, but I think if they knew what was going on some would be as concerned as I am, and honestly a few probably wouldn't speak to her anymore as they are themselves prior military. I don't want to turn anyone against her, but I'd like to keep her from turning the world against me in her mind.

I feel trapped because I know time isn't on my side with any of this.

I also know, although sad, that if it really is over I don't have anything to be ashamed of, and while I'd still like to be a better husband and father, I'm doing so in spite of her behavior not because of it.

Thanks

If your wife is BPD then there is something you should know. I dont wish to offend anyone here or hurt your feelings but if she has decided its over then you are now painted black and are in her eyes the bad guy who is trying to ruin her life. When this happens it is almost impossible to recover from.

for her feelings equal facts.she feels this woman is the love of her life and you are the bad guy for trying to ruin it. The more you try the more she may get deeper into this belief. This for the non is one of the most heartbreaking parts of bpd as no matter how muxh you love them and try to prove it you will never be believed.

Going on tour is abandonment to a pwbpd. They can see the logic that its your job but emotionally you have left them. This was a huge problem with my exs and at the time I didnt understand.