BPD/jealousy/misandry/sexuality *TW*

This is my first post on this forum, I'll start by saying that I'm 22 years old and have BPD.
Obviously, there are many negative effects of having this disorder. Personally, I struggle most with the jealousy, hatred and sexuality aspect. I'm about to be as open and honest as I can here so please don't judge me as a lot of my feelings and opinions are really controversial. A lot of my feelings are regarding misandry so if my feelings are something that are going to anger you and you already know in advance, please save it.

Since I was 14 I started having sex. My first boyfriend cheated on me and ever since I've jumped from guy to guy (although now it's been almost a year since having sex, completely by choice). Whenever I attempt to have an actual relationship, I get attached way too fast and find myself getting jealous over literally everything. I've dumped guys over watching porn, texting a simple "hello" to an ex on her bday, all sorts of reasons society deems absurd. If I'm with a guy and he simply looks at another girl, I not only get jealous but experience extreme hatred. Not of the woman, but of him. I feel furious that he knows it upsets me and does it anyways, and it makes me hate him. I will usually be extremely cold to him after that or try and get back at him by flirting around. I've done some very irrational things, such as cheating on someone for having a female friend I'm pretty sure he had a crush on. Obviously, that doesn't justify cheating one bit, but I'd be lying if I said I regret doing it. I truly felt he deserved it and evilly laugh to myself when looking back on what I did.

All irrational decisions aside, even before my current occupation (I'll get to that momentarily) I began hating men. Now, I realize how much people hate man-haters, especially men. I don't want to hate men and I realize a lot of it is my black-and-white thinking (all men are terrible would be the belief I guess...not in general, but regarding women). At the same time part of me feels like it's totally justified. It wasn't that long ago we had no rights thanks to them. They think it's fine to be sexual but call us sluts if we are. It's fine for them to watch porn, then proceed to think no other man should look at their woman's body. That's obviously a discussion for another forum, but the combination of everything has created a ball of extreme hatred living inside of me. It just feels like guys care about women second, and their own kind first. If a girl has sex with a guy and his friend, they call the girl a slut but remain friends, as if there was no betrayal on his part and it was all on her. The jealousy is no longer something I deal with since I no longer am seeing anyone....instead, it's the hatred. It scares me. I want it gone.

I've basically just decided that relationships aren't for me. I started exotic dancing about a year and a half ago which, surprisingly, has cured my social anxiety completely (always had it growing up). However it's made the hatred worse and has turned me into a person I don't necessarily like. (Before pointing out that strip club goers are the lowest type of men/not to judge all men on that, I live in an area with over 300 strip clubs, so all types of men go to them. I don't think I've met a single guy in my city who hasn't gone at least once). I know the first step is to get myself out of dancing, unfortunately this can't happen until spring due to my expensive rent. But it will eventually happen.

Because of my raging jealousy and hatred of men, I've turned myself into an object of sexual desire to gain power over them. I got a boob job, lip injections etc and despite how much guys claim to hate the fake look it has worked. It makes me feel powerful that they want me but cannot have me. Whenever a guy out with his wife looks at me, I hate them even more. I usually glare in return or raise an eyebrow at him. At the same time though, being my twisted self, I sort of get off on the jealousy the wife experiences because that way I'm not the only one who deals with that type of pain. When others experience the pain I experience, I don't feel so alone.

I'm so, so horny at this point and want to have sex but I hate most guys too much to want them to touch me. So I'd rather go without than risk giving it up to someone who is just like all the guys who have hurt me in the past.

Please realize I don't enjoy my hatred of men and I know logically not all men are bad. I've never really opened up about my true feelings regarding them so please try to be understanding even if this post pisses you off. I'm just wondering at this point if there is any hope at all for me to eventually stop hating them or any ideas as to how to stop? Also is there any hope that my jealousy will one day dwindle?

Part of it is my NPD father who treats women horribly, tears apart their appearance, left his porn around the house when I was a kid, etc. He also calls me a slut, piece of crap etc on a regular basis. He recently told me he's considering suicide and it's all my fault.

Oh and one other strange thing...whenever I do LSD, my BPD vanishes. I think this is because it eliminates the ego temporarily. No jealousy, no hatred, no nothing. I haven't done it in over a year now but if it popped up tomorrow I totally would.

How can I make the hatred stop?

It seems that you're mistaking contempt and disgust for hatred. Real hatred is something you enjoy, and you don't want to stop it whatever the subject of your hatred is.

That being said, remember that "feelings aren't facts" and just because men inspire negative emotions in you doesn't mean that these emotions are justified. There's no advice anyone can give you except for just opening up again (both literally and figuratively ).

I'm not sure if my input on this would be helpful, since I'm a man, but I want to say that I feel like I know where you are coming from. I'm coming to realize that I have some deep-seated issues with members of my own sex that I am trying to overcome. That being said, I know that male privilege is a thing and there are some things that women experience that I will never be able to relate to first hand, so I don't want to be presumptuous by saying I can relate either...I just hope you know that everything I am saying here is intended to be supportive and is being said in good faith.

I'm 26 and I grew up with some pretty questionable male role models that have given me a very jaded view of my own gender. My entire life I've seen my grandma treated very poorly by my grandpa, which is probably what sticks out the most to me. He throws his weight around, as far as he is concerned his feelings are the only ones that matter, he's the king of the castle. And there are other men like that in my family. They don't care who they hurt, as long as they get their way, because it's their "right." I was also picked on a lot as a kid, but only by boys. It got so bad that at a certain point I only made close friends with girls, save for a few guys that were bullied as bad as I was. Women began to be safe for me - my teachers, my friends, they were the ones who cared about me and considered me worthy to be their friend. And in those years I saw those female friends get treated like $#%^ by guys over and over. For me it got to be the worst when I tried to make friends with a group of guys at uni - a big deal for me after being bullied so much by guys - but when they got me alone they attacked me quite viciously instead.

After that, for years, the only thing I saw men as were big bullies who threw their weight around, constantly thoughtless. That was when I hated them so much, I used to think about murdering people, and I hurt one guy quite seriously for something that wasn't even a big deal. Everything about other men began to piss me off. I even began to hate myself and began to check everything I did to make sure I wasn't being dominating, or throwing too much weight around, basically I didn't want to be the way that I saw all other men. I began to hate myself sexually, hate my body, hate anything about me that was associated with maleness.

I feel like I am making some steps. I went out a few times with a male friend from work, who was a lot like the guys who made fun of me as a kid and attacked me as an adult. A real "bro" I guess, not the kind of guy I ever had as a friend. It was terrifying, especially when he talked about how he viewed women. Even though I am not a woman, I felt there was a lot of hostility there and I was frightened, wondering how I'd be treated if I was a woman or if he disapproved of some of my feminine tendencies. But I met some other men through him who are different, some identify as feminists, many do not share the same attitudes that he does. And it's helped, to some extent. Just to see that some men aren't like that, that I'm not alone.

I get where you're coming from with sex too. I'm quite frustrated, but I'm having trouble having sex with my girlfriend because I'm repulsed by my own male sexuality. I feel like to have sex with her would degrade her. I wonder why she would choose to be with me, some gross man, when she's bisexual and could be with a woman instead.

So I get why you'd hate men. Especially with how horrible and disgusting your father is. And with how women face so many double standards and don't enjoy the same levels of cultural freedom as most men do. And the hatred...yeah it doesn't feel good, and I hate that I have it in myself too. I think the changes I have had, although I am not totally there yet, have come with getting to know some different kinds of men. That comes with a lot of fear in itself, and I can see why you'd feel the same way, very hesitant to trust after being hurt so often.

It sounds like the hatred is more of a gut reaction to keep yourself safe, as opposed to an outright "pure" hatred...I guess I wonder, what kinds of things could you do for yourself that would help you feel more secure and safe around men? That would make you feel on equal ground? In control of your sexuality, like you can do whatever you want to, just as any man could. I have to tell you that for years I thought I hated men and how dominating some can be - but then it hit me, that the flip side of that coin is hating my own passivity, my own perceived weakness. So I choose to work on that, making myself feel like I am on equal ground with other men, but doing so in a way that is empowering to everyone and not dominating or sexist or anything.

btw I think the jealousy aspect is more BPD, and that's a whole other can of worms I think.

Hello,

I am a female with BPD and I have to say that I couldn't be more on the same page as you. I actually wondered for a second if I wrote that post and just didn't remember. I struggle with the same exact problems and concerns.

I, too, turned to exotic dancing and felt very powerful and also had breast augmentation and get my lips done. As much as I hate men, I want them but it's for all the wrong reasons. I am also a very sexual person but I want to see them hurt like they do to me, us, women. I try to tell myself they aren't all the same but I believe that they are. I am currently going through a break up and all I can think about is how I know he has watched porn. People think it's nothing but it is the end of the world to me. The amount of hurt, anger, disgust and betrayal I feel is so immense it drives me to suicide.

I always thought it was just me and I am with you too that I realized I just need to be single because relationships just aren't for me. Being single allows me to avoid all of these triggers and keeps me in control.

Thank you so much for sharing.

Former camgirl w/BPD here!

And yep, I relate to so, SO much you're saying, especially the feelings of misandry (though I experience misogyny too) and feelings of intense jealousy. I can't believe what you said about the feeling and the reaction you get when a man with a wife looks at you. I have always felt the very same, including the slight feeling of pride that he looked at you, at the same time as feeling how terrible it is that men are this way when they already have a woman.