Noob here, hello

Hey all. I'm thinking it's about time I join a good forum and try to get support and more info, specifically about BPD.

I'm Danz, age 36, married 15 years with 3 kids (all whom I guiltily feel I've already messed up), a 12-year-old boy with autism, a 10-year-old girl with anxiety and either ODD or BPD, and a 7-year-old boy with anxiety and OCD, possible BPD too. My husband has anxiety and OCD and because of those traits was very controlling and emotionally and verbally abusive as long as I've known him up until Feb when I finally put my foot down and said this is not ok. He started therapy and anxiety meds and is much more controlling of himself now than me.

I was first diagnosed in 2008 when I went inpatient for suicidal ideations. Since then I've tried numerous meds, been inpatient 4 more times and done a partial program twice. I see my therapist weekly currently, sometimes biweekly or monthly depending on how I'm doing. I also had ECT shock therapy in 2011. My meds seem to work for awhile and then stop. I don't have issues with not taking them, I always take them as prescribed, I just can't seem to overcome whatever this is.

During my most recent inpatient stay last month, they talked more about the possibility of bipolar II but when I got out and saw my psych and therapist again (both of whom I've been with for 5 years now), they agreed that wasn't probably correct. My psych though said its possible that instead of MDD with BPD on the side, I really have BPD and thus parts of a depressive disorder. She said thatBPD is much harder to treat with medication - basically that it's med-resistant. Phooey. We are still trying though, I'm on Effexor xr, lithium (new), buspar and klonopin as needed.

I've done DBT and have the workbook and have found there are times when it's extremely beneficial. Other times I am already beyond overwhelmed for it to help and only a klonopin and sleep will "rest" my emotions.

So I've started researching BPD now trying to figure out more about it and how I work on it. Last night I read a ton that really pointed to me and kept tellin my husband those points - whoa this is so me, blah blah. A few things don't fit, but most do.

Tonight we were talking and he said he was reading about it too and he found a lot of support for Nons as I see them labeled here, and family and friends of those with BPD, but less support of those who have it. It felt to me like he was saying BPD people are bad and we should help those who have to deal with them. That's just how it seemed to me to come across. And then as we talked more, he went back to his old ways of what seemed to be blaming for his actions. He used to blame my depression that I was just over sensitive to him and his words and actions. Now he has this to blame. It's so hard for me to stand up for myself and my kids - he yelled at our daughter today - when he can just blame that I am over sensitive. I don't even know what to believe is real and what is all in my head. Do others of you feel like this? :/ sigh

I see my therapist weekly. He's great. I don't know that I am moving anywhere though. It seems like I just let it all out and then go on my way lately. My husband says I like my therapist because he doesn't challenge me. Hmmm...

I tell my husband he is yelling and he says no he wasn't. That he was raising his voice and I need to back him up because he's standing up for me to my daughter being rude. He says we are both over sensitive.

danzaroo wrote:I see my therapist weekly. He's great. I don't know that I am moving anywhere though. It seems like I just let it all out and then go on my way lately. My husband says I like my therapist because he doesn't challenge me. Hmmm...

I know that in the past I have had therapists where it seemed like I just went in to vent and have my feelings validated, but I never really moved forward. My previous therapist and my current therapist have been different though and I have seen a lot more positive change in myself. I have specific goals that I am working towards, and the whole therapy session is geared around those goals. We also check in regularly to see how I'm progressing, or if something needs to change to help me in my progression.

Either way, it's something to think about. Welcome to the forum!

Welcome to the forums!
I'm sorry I can't read your whole message now, but I just want to let you know that you're not alone!
That's one of the things of this forum that make me feel much better; only the fact of knowing that there's somebody else here with more or less same problems that I have, makes me feel better at the moment
Have a nice stay!
-Tom

littlearcher wrote:well...it's possible that you and your daughter have a different sensitivity level than he does, but that doesn't mean that you are oversensitive.

and i think if your daughter is sensitive, it's important to parent her in a way that is gentle.

do you think that you could discuss the matter of the approach you want to take in terms of disciplining your daughter as a team? something that you can both agree on?

Well we agreed no yelling. My husband used to rant/yell/berate so we just said no yelling. He says if he raises his voice just a little I see it as yelling, but I disagree and feel I can tell the difference between a "yell" and a "loud,stern voice."

Hm ...

-- Tue Jul 09, 2013 7:15 am --

Cheze- yes, I think my therapist has been following my lead. I am going to ask today about working on more DBT skills together as well as "vent time."
Also, I have a tattoo similar to your quote! Victor Hugo wrote, "Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise." I have this in tattoo form. Very meaningful.

-- Tue Jul 09, 2013 7:17 am --

Tom - thank you for the welcome! I agree, just knowing I am not alone helps. And sometimes others' with similar issues perspectives. I know when I've been inpatient I learn the most from other patients.

Welcome!
This place is a great place to be understood, and it's a comfort to be heard. You're definitely not alone.

It sounds like your daughter needs a calm environment, and one where she is treated very gently. And just because you guys are more sensitive does not mean he has the right to treat you like that. If anything, it means he should respect it and try to not hurt either of you.

And don't ever doubt yourself. If you feel he is yelling, you have every right to tell him "Hey, you're yelling, and would you please stop? It hurts me". He cannot say he isn't yelling, because some people (like myself) don't always realize we're doing it.

I wish you the best!