Borderline PD/Cyclothymia/?

Okay, I’ve been pretty sure that I’ve had some kind of psychological disorder for almost three years now, since I was 16. I haven’t been to a specialist as such because mental disorders aren’t something I can explain to my parents. Although now, I am looking at visiting one just to be sure. I just want to know what you guys think.

• I have frequent feelings of euphoria and depression. These have varied extremely over the years. When I was around 16, they were incredible and unbearable, almost always following each other. At that point in my life, I was also very depressed and felt caged, thought I was bipolar. As I grew, they became more tangible and I was able to deal with them better after I’d left home and gone to college at the age of 18. I still feel them, and I feel as though I have no control over them, even as I try to emotionally streamline myself now. I used to feel desperation but lately I’ve grown very numb and my states oscillate between being incredibly euphoric or into plain nothingness, or pointlessness. My drive for life constantly fluctuates.

• I have self harmed in the past, and had suicidal tendencies, that are recurrent even now. These tendencies however are mostly passive and I wouldn’t act on them. The need to self harm varies on the level of depression I feel.

• I’ve greatly numbed myself and do not feel pain as vividly as I used to. Nothingness defines my depression. I feel alone and helpless and sometimes wake up in panic in the middle of the night unable to control it.

• I have varied states of over-eating/sleeping and lack of sleep/appetite which are recurrent throughout ever 2 months nearly also accompanied by complete normal states

• My states of high and low can last anywhere from 10 minutes to a few weeks. I do feel normal for periods in between, which can last even up to a couple weeks. When I feel normal, I feel fine and wonderful (not euphoric)

• I used to have very low self esteem and my views of myself changed rapidly according to how I felt. I could feel worthless and dejected and then bounce to feeling invincible and wonderful. These feelings of low self worth have changed over the last month after I confronted my father about some underlying issues, and discovered the meaninglessness of life. I don’t think they are gone but rather that they are deeply imbedded but I don’t care about them anymore

• I have used to have severe abandonment issues, but they have also changed over the course of the last 2 months, but this may also be due to the numbness I feel towards these issues. I have recently gone through some relationship troubles. I have very evident trust issues and do not trust nearly anyone.

• Despite all of this, most days I am able to function properly and I am actually quite happy.I tend to become socially reclusive at times and this leads to either peaceful solitude or depression. At college, I have a bit of a reputation to be crazy and insane.

• I feel reckless and impulsive at times. It makes me feel alive. I crave this feeling.

• I have a horrible attention span. I can’t watch television shows and until recently found it really hard to finish a book (I used to be an avid reader when I was younger). I feel as though my thoughts are racing at times.

• The mood swings tend to leave me quite exhausted. I do not let myself get close to people often, I think it may be because of abandonment fears. My relationships are quite stable even if my feelings towards a person may change continuously.

• I develop very strong emotional relationships with people as compared to the norm, people trust me easily. I have been told continuously that I have a talent for empathy and understanding. I am aware of my emotional power over people and know I can get what I want out of them, but sometimes it happens unconsciously. Regardless, I actually do care about these people and have very strong morals when it comes to keeping their secrets. I do not use them.

• I do not feel needy and clingy most of the time, but there are moments in between. I used to feel empty a lot. Now, I feel nothing or empowered.

• I have a family history of depression, my cousin is diagnosed with it, and my aunt was.

• There are times when I am very irritable and other times when my love for people and the world in general is undoubtable.

• I felt unloved and neglected by my parents for the longest time. I got over it almost completely during the last 2 months. I also think I am numb to feeling that way now, I can’t even imagine it.

• I deal with being alone really well. Most of the time I enjoy being alone, I enjoy solitude. Now and then, usually after some kind of trigger, I feel dejected.

• I do not crave love or worldly attachments as far as I can understand. I crave passion and my common state is being fine and in love with the world and all of its mysteries

I used to be very sure this was borderline PD, but after looking through cyclothymia, I feel like this could be more apt as I do not feel empty or unloved or needy anymore and have states of being normal in between. Your thoughts?

Well obviously I can't diagnose you, but it sounds like you have something that's really getting in the way of your functioning (I'm assuming at least or I don't think you'd be posting here). I would say it's time to get professional help. There are a few points that you mentioned that resonate with me, and I'm really sorry you're struggling. I know how hard that can be. You said you're thinking of seeing a professional. Are you really open to that or just considering it at the moment?

sadpanda13 wrote:Well obviously I can't diagnose you, but it sounds like you have something that's really getting in the way of your functioning (I'm assuming at least or I don't think you'd be posting here). I would say it's time to get professional help. There are a few points that you mentioned that resonate with me, and I'm really sorry you're struggling. I know how hard that can be. You said you're thinking of seeing a professional. Are you really open to that or just considering it at the moment?

Just something I'm still thinking about. I don't think I want to get an actual diagnosis. Most of the time, I'm really fine and I function well. But sometimes I feel ridiculously insane. I really want to be able to cope with it on my own. But I need to understand what I'm dealing with to be able to help myself, in any case.

What points resonated with you? And have you been diagnosed with anything?

I recognize myself in almost everything you wrote. My diagnoses is BPD/Bipolar/ADHD, with traits of Aspergers.

I'll make a list of everything I could relate too.

itsforthebest wrote:• I have frequent feelings of euphoria and depression.

itsforthebest wrote:• I have self harmed in the past, and had suicidal tendencies

itsforthebest wrote:• I’ve greatly numbed myself and do not feel pain as vividly as I used to. Nothingness defines my depression.

(This one is only sometimes for me, but still exists every once in a while)

itsforthebest wrote:• I have varied states of over-eating/sleeping and lack of sleep/appetite

itsforthebest wrote:• My states of high and low can last anywhere from 10 minutes to a few weeks.

itsforthebest wrote:• I used to have very low self esteem and my views of myself changed rapidly according to how I felt.

This one still exists for me every day.

itsforthebest wrote:• I have used to have severe abandonment issues, but they have also changed over the course of the last 2 months

I still have severe abandonment issues to this day.

itsforthebest wrote:• I have a horrible attention span.

itsforthebest wrote:• The mood swings tend to leave me quite exhausted.

itsforthebest wrote:• I develop very strong emotional relationships with people as compared to the norm, people trust me easily.

itsforthebest wrote:• I felt unloved and neglected by my parents for the longest time.

These are the ones that resonate within me the most.
I do suggest looking into therapy of some kind to learn how to manage these things better.

A lot of that resonates with me personally although I will say while the bolded headline does, your description often doesn't. For instance reckless and impulsive behaviour, you say it makes you feel alive. With me, I really wouldn't say that. I actually hate it, not really sure why I'm doing it and feel really sad after it.

Another thing I don't get is the Euphoria. My emotional range is from very very upset to moderately happy. Never really go that much further. Is Bi-Polar the super happy, super sad one? Thats often something that runs alongside BPD if it is, but I don't experience it. I also don't get really numb but again I've heard of it with BPD.

Really, my only advice is that if you are concerned, and it seems like you are, then you should see a doctor. It doesn't really matter what label you wind up with as long as you get help if you need it In my not-so expert opinion you certainly have a lot of the signs, but it may apply to other things as well so I'd get it checked out. Be aware though that doing so can cause a lot of upset. I personally think its best in the long run, but you need to be prepared for whatever the diagnosis is if that makes sense, so make sure you have some support.

Thank you guys so much!

I'm fairly sure that there is a kind of psychological issue but I think I can deal with it. There are serious times of crazy but I get through them and I don't think I can deal with the kind of emotions that will come with getting a diagnosis. And this isn't something I want diagnosed unless it gets really bad or until I think I'm ready to handle it.

I'm learning how to deal with myself and it's a learning process. I don't feel much nowadays so that's always a bit helpful. I'm afraid this phase will crash but hey, I'll deal with it when it comes.

Thank you guys for your inputs and I hope that you all feel better soon. Sometimes, this whole head thing really sucks.

I feel exactly like you...
My father who is a physician "diagnosed" (not oficially though) me with both Cyclothymia and BPD, but since it's obvious that I have DID (there's no diagnosis needed for that) I'm actually thinking if it might be that I have both Cyclothymia and BPD, or some alters have BPD and others have Cyclothymia...
I know I should seek for help but I'm not allowed to. Unfortunately I'm still underaged and my mother doesn't believe what I tell her (she doesn't believe even that I've insomnia). And my father won't let me go to a psychiatrist for some reason.
-Tom

I don't want to pressure you in any way, just please consider looking into help at some point. I know being diagnosed is difficult, and it is painful, but it's best to catch it and learn what's going on before something bad happens. Please do keep it in mind. I understand wanting to do things at your own pace, and by all means only do things when you're ready.

itsforthebest wrote:Thank you guys for your inputs and I hope that you all feel better soon. Sometimes, this whole head thing really sucks.

Thank you And you're right about that!

LanaDelRey wrote:I feel exactly like you...
My father who is a physician "diagnosed" (not oficially though) me with both Cyclothymia and BPD, but since it's obvious that I have DID (there's no diagnosis needed for that) I'm actually thinking if it might be that I have both Cyclothymia and BPD, or some alters have BPD and others have Cyclothymia...
I know I should seek for help but I'm not allowed to. Unfortunately I'm still underaged and my mother doesn't believe what I tell her (she doesn't believe even that I've insomnia). And my father won't let me go to a psychiatrist for some reason.
-Tom

That must really suck. When you turn legal you should look for help, especially if you think you need it and your parents aren't in a position to understand that.
Try not to let the craziness define you. I've been better because I chose to accept that I am the way I am and I should stop trying to label it and give myself a name. I chose not to drown in it. Yes, now and then I feel incredibly insane but I pull through. It's good to have a support system where you can talk to people but try to keep yourself afloat. It helps so much. And you feel wonderful when you realize that you can control these things to the slightest extent. Let yourself be and learn.

The insanity has given me so much to learn and understand and brought me such interesting and incredible thoughts but it has had its days when it almost destroyed me. It's such a devastatingly glorious place to be. But only when you're able to look through it rationally and objectively.

So, I really hope you get better and one day you'll be able to look at all of this and be thankful for whatever you've been given instead of hating the fact that you can't always understand or control how you feel or who you are.

It is only when we no longer compulsively need someone that we can have a real relationship with them