Do you Love, Obsess or Idealize?

Howdy

This has been a topic/argument for years between my wife and I...my therapist and I have also discussed it a length. I am not sure if I am capable of "loving" people...I am the MOST self centered person I know, not NPD, but I feel very little, if any sympathy for people...including my own wife and children. When things go wrong for them or they get sick...it is more of an hassle for me than anything else, it screws my day up, and I really don't care about what they have going on...I am not a monster towards them, I just don't really empathize/love others.

I hope I am not the only one!!

I am pretty self centered too. I've learned how to feign 'caring'. I'd feel awful if I was responsible for hurting a close friend but I really only care about my emotional needs being met. This is why I prefer non emotional friendships. I learn to get engaged in the conversation. I definitely obsess. I suppose that I idolize in the sense that their approval is what makes me feel worthwhile.

My therapist...and my psychiatrist have both said that I just need to behave and "fake" how society expects. I need to behave "normal" instead of being wrapped up in my own emotions all of the time...I am getting better at it...but still don't really feel any serious connections to anybody...kinda sad

Why did you get married or even have kids? Did you know how self centered you were before hand? Do you really think your family deserves someone who basically cares only about themselves?

and now for the compleet oposite
i was 30 and wandering why i never had a real relationship
so i looked for someone who i felt (for lack of a better word) i could spend the rest of my life with
took a lot of efford
i was completely honest
i look right true people (i don't idealize)
but i do get hyperfocus if i really want something i'm pritty much unstopable and i have some wierd methodes that seem to be very effective
do borderlines (or annyone here) identefy with the hyperfocus thing? (i know it's an aspie thing2)

The only way I can relate, is that I can't always feel or understand how someone else is feeling.. In that self-centered way.. Sometimes i can and I will cry buckets.. But other times, when I am meant to feel, I don't.. I don't even feel anything for them, sometimes I even want to laugh.. I have been horrible to my ex sometimes and just wanted to laugh.. And sometimes he'd laugh too. That isn't right.. It's totally wrong. It's toxic. I don't even know what it is tbh..

I love. I idealize. and I obsess. Unfortunately, sometimes, all three get me into trouble.

The marriage thing was the right thing to do when I was 22...I had NO IDEA back then! I guess the hyper emotions made me think I was "crazy" in love. It has only been the last few years where I started to notice it and realize it. I have been married 14 years and have 3 kids...I am not a monster to them...I am just kinda empty emotionally, unless it has to do with me! I have told my wife a million times that her and my sons deserve more from a husband/father...but I am one if the lucky ones to have a wife that is SO supportive!

Obsess and Idealize

Love?

"In that self-centered way.. Sometimes i can and I will cry buckets.. But other times, when I am meant to feel, I don't.. I don't even feel anything for them, sometimes I even want to laugh.. I have been horrible to my ex sometimes and just wanted to laugh"

This is a good point! There are times that I want to cry or scream "LOVE ME" to others...but I never do it for them. That is very self-centered I would say.

There has been multiple occasions where I should have been feeling terrible for others and I just can't...it is like nothing is even happening that is "worth my time"...everyone is crying and tore up...and I feel nothing.

Kinda a sad way to live...always wanting to be LOVED, but pretty much incapable of loving others!

Obsessing seems to be a common answer...and I can say that I am VERY obsessive about much more than people, it is a reason why I believe that I was single, I would stay that way...it would have to be terrifying for somebody to learn how to deal with a person who WON'T stop!!

-- Tue Apr 09, 2013 9:33 pm --

By the way...how do I copy what somebody says and highlight is so I can point it out and answer/reply?? Thanks!!