Do you Love, Obsess or Idealize?

bpd_sucks_bad Kinda a sad way to live...always wanting to be LOVED, but pretty much incapable of loving others!

amen!

Not sure how to explain the quote thing because I am just learning myself

Use Quote at the top right of somebody's comments..

As a non I really struggle to understand this aspect of BPD I think. My exwBPD when we broke up had done some terrible things to me... She got to a point to where she didn't care. At the same time she told me she was a terrible person in relation to it. We were close friends for many years prior to the relationship. As a non to me people who really don't care wouldn't view themselves as a terrible person for what they did. That suggest on some level she felt bad for me I think. If she were truly apathetic towards me I think she wouldn't even be able to see why her actions were bad or wrong. Maybe it's all related to the hurt cat analogy I used in the other post. I think when she did care that much for me it hurt because it reminded her of her abandonment as a child. Since the attachment to me probably felt similar to what she felt for her parents just before they'd repeatedly abandon her. So all she knew how to do was abandon herself in the end. She told me after that she didn't know why she was leaving the only thing she wanted and loved. I guess she loved me at the most she was capable of at the time? Before the first time we slept with each other she said she was interested to see how it went because she'd never slept with anyone "she actually cared about" before me as she put it anyway. Which I think was true because the first guy she'd slept with was an abusive bf and the second was a one night stand that didn't mean anything to her. I guess I know she'd have to get better to really love me as much as humanly possible. I mean all pwBPD seem in touch with their feelings compared to a true pwNPD or pwASPD where most of them have either no feelings or only specific ones. So I feel if she does get better she'll at least appreciate the length and value of what we've been for each other all these years. I just think the feeling of "I don't care" in pwBPD is a defense mechanism for their own psyche since they don't have any way of regulating emotions of that level and it's all they were taught. I hear people say pwBPD are basically very sensitive people in a lot of pain. I'd like to think that's true and to be sensitive when you don't have BPD includes being extremely empathetic. So I feel underneath the disorder every pwBPD is really a caring person deep down. They just don't have a way of expressing it or feeling it because they haven't learned how to express it or feel their caring for themselves. Maybe I am off on this though... Sorry if this post went all over the place I went away in the middle of writing it so I may of repeated myself somewhere. Anyway I'd love to hear more pwBPD discuss their opinions on this symptom.

I feel almost the same way. I think I love people, but then I realize it wasn't love at all. I think I am incapable of loving people

æda wrote:I feel almost the same way. I think I love people, but then I realize it wasn't love at all. I think I am incapable of loving people

ditto

totally incapable with people, not even sure what that emotion is

i obsess
not idealize
nobody is good enough anyway but obsess and feel such longing

caring and love, those are trials. i try to learn from others and children how to feel more.
i feel so little. my smiles and iloveyou's are just currency...

From what I've read of how psychologist tend to put it. When most pwBPD say "I love you" it's usually the same way a young child says I love you to a parent. The parent knows the child really means "I need you" instead of I love you but then teaches them emotional independence as they grow up and the parent knows that for the child the I need you meaning will turn to I love you as they get older and more independent. Most pwBPD never were given the time and support of their parents to teach them emotional independence therefore most of them are stuck in a level of emotional development where they see people they are involved with as "potential caretakers" and when they tell someone they love them they usually really mean I need you the same way a young child tells their parents. True love isn't the same as needing someone, and I hope every pwBPD can one day heal enough to experience true love because no one deserves to be without that in their life...

conclave wrote:From what I've read of how psychologist tend to put it. When most pwBPD say "I love you" it's usually the same way a young child says I love you to a parent. The parent knows the child really means "I need you" instead of I love you but then teaches them emotional independence as they grow up and the parent knows that for the child the I need you meaning will turn to I love you as they get older and more independent. Most pwBPD never were given the time and support of their parents to teach them emotional independence therefore most of them are stuck in a level of emotional development where they see people they are involved with as "potential caretakers" and when they tell someone they love them they usually really mean I need you the same way a young child tells their parents. True love isn't the same as needing someone, and I hope every pwBPD can one day heal enough to experience true love because no one deserves to be without that in their life...

Well, that's the thing about "stuck" - its only stuck because you didn't get the help you needed when you needed it, and then later developed other ways of trying to get those needs met instead of healthy ones that would have worked and allowed you to move forwards. So really stuck is only stuck for as long as it takes to break through those defences and begin to move forwards, though that isn't a "sudden decision" process, its more of a gradual one.

Yeah I know its pretty rough. I had certain things I was stuck with in my PD even though I was never borderline. Those defenses did work as a child and were healthy then just as yours were. But then you grow up clinging to those defenses as an adult and they become harmful but it's the only thing you know. It takes time but I hope everyone gets the ability someday to find peace within themselves.

I obsesses and idealize my boyfriend; and idolize my friends or just random people.
With my boyfriend, I idealize and devaluate him, but no matter how I feel about him, I still obsess. With friends, I just idolize and devaluate.