the worst is the doubt

if you have issues a relationship is not the answer it is a complication
(i know it's hard to resist)

I don't have the ability to diagnose anyone or anything, but to me, your bf sounds pretty narcissistic.


Sounds pretty in-line with a relationship I had years ago, which I fully feel made me even more unstable than I already was back then. The mind tricks, the "its you, not me", the blame-shifting, the disregard for my thoughts/feelings, the need for him to have total control. I don't know, I mean, I'm not in your relationship, but he sounds like he is manipulating the sh!t out of you.


And YES - we are WAY more susceptible to abuse! Hell, if you think back in your relationship patterns (or mine, rather), it's almost like I run STRAIGHT TO THEM. Moth to the flame. Its a comfortable place for me to be in - because my parents' total discord and inability to recognize achievements (sometimes) shaped me as a total people-pleaser, and to this day, I still seek out those whose approval is the toughest to receive.

Why? Well, its pretty easy to see. But in your case - I think you need to pull back some of the control in your relationship, discuss everything with your therapist, and decide if you're seeking out unhealthy relationships.

It's my Achille's heel. Please don't feel like I'm lecturing - I'm sitting RIGHT beside you in this car ride.

<3


AMP

I have recently been a victim, or rather I am a survivor of gaslighting by a minister in my church. This is a non-sexual relationship. I have experienced this destructive psychological technique in other relationships including my marriage which I left after many years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse, and in other relationships with men and in friendships.

I find that the more I educate myself about gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse the less I tolerate it, the less I am made to feel guilty for reacting against it (if I have overeacted then I feel less guilty for being human and focus on doing this better next time around with response to such abuse) and the more I try to find people to surround myself with who do not emotionally abuse me. In my recent case this means attending a different church or churches and seeking out other support networks including this one.

I would strongly suggest limiting time spent with anyone who is gaslighting you. You can simply say I would like to spend some time with friends or you can arrange involvement in other activities that do not include anyone who is being abusive toward you. If the person is capable of admitting to unhealthy communication then the relationship may be possible to sustain. If it is always you and your problems and never about him and anything wrong he has done then this is not a healthy relationship. Better to grieve and move on. You deserve better and you will heal better in healthy relationships then in any destructive one.

From what you've presented, I'd lean in the same direction as MissAli and agree that it does cause him to appear narcissistic (which many a BPD would be highly drawn to). However, emotional-thinking can have a way of distorting things as well and if you wrote while under emotional distress, it'd be easy to make him appear bad because that's how it felt to you at that time. You haven't shared any good stories (are there any?) where he's shown he's validating and caring so it's impossible to get a clear picture without seeing the spectrum - assuming the spectrum doesn't starts and stops with what you've already wrote.

Hands down anyone with BPD is much more susceptible to abuse and much more likely to tolerate it. As I said, BPD's are magnetically drawn to certain PD's or those who possess those traits. Often times it's "returning to what you know" which is what MissAli was talking about. With BPD there's so much that can make it very hard, if not nearly impossible, to really feel like "I deserve better!" (and often when you have better, the thought/feeling kicks in that you don't feel you deserve that - or you get bored and want something dysfunctional and unhealthy).

As madjoe said, ideally, someone trying to recover from BPD would do it without the complications that a relationship causes. There's more than enough of a struggle involved with facing issues and learning new skills to help overcome some of the symptoms of BPD. Tack navigating a relationship on top of that and, as hard as it is to be alone for many people, it could be compared with setting yourself up for mass failure - or at least more difficulty than it has to be.

Discussing the topic with your therapist is a good start. And you may even want to talk to your partner about being more validating. If you've properly voiced your needs and they go ignored or he doesn't even bother to discuss them, then yes, you're in a bad relationship and he doesn't care.