A couple of weeks ago I happened to mentionin the pub I had a surgery comming up. At that time I had not considerd who I would ask to collect me from the hospital. Well A young lady replied, "I'm there."

I tried to argue over the date. She replied "doesn't matter. I'm there."

She did suggest that doing nine days of visits might be a problem. I didn't reply. I was thinking having company upon whom I'm dependant for the, roughly, four hour trip home was going to be a nightmare.

For me, someone who has a well earned reputation for keeping keeping people at arms length (and preferrably more), company is avoided. In case the point has not been made, It's been at least seven years (probaly more ) since someone dropped in on my place. And about five months since I recieved a social phone call.

Except for mother dearest. My main abuser. She had climbed round the security gate of my flat and knocking on front door before I knew she even thinking of visiting. (perhaps I shoulda read her weekly letters) In the four years since I have got a no contact order against her. (Something I've been pleading for since the 80's. To be fair I got a no contact order against my father in the 90's)

Anyhow, for reason's not quite relevant here I abandoned the notion of love back in the 70's. Making letting someone close, particularly quickly, my ultimate nightmare.

Well, this morning I was reading A-A's journal where she stated she had been forced to say in hospital for a fortnight. I thought better you than me. I could not do that !

Ten, bothered, minutes later I realised that is exactly what will be hapening later this year. And just to show how silly I am, I'm volunteering! And to make a bad situation worse I'll probably have nurses clucking round me.

If anyone's taking bets on how long it'll take me to crack and bite someone's head off, can I have the slot between ten and fifteen minutes? Fortunately I've no record of veing violent (at least that I know of...... I dissassociate)

When the possibility of the operation became certain roughly six weeeks ago I decided that whomever came to retrieve me from hospital would have an access all areas pass of my mind and past.

Now I'm seriously reconsidering everything. Even the hospital stay!

Help!

A day and ahalf ago I was asked why I don't dance.

It took me a day to locate the answer. For the answer goes back to the 70's. My years of abuse (And I don't really want to return there). Of knowing that being the centre of attention, for as little as an hour, in a group as large as three (or more) people, was ALWAYS the prelude to ( a minimium of ) days of neglectful abuse. -- for want of a more accurate phrase.

Anyhow I learn't. Avoid praise. Avoid acheivement. It was not worth the punishment. So for the last four decades it has been habit to willfull avoidance of the spotlight. Even here. even today.

Praise and acheivement even today is something I seriously avoid.

As I write I have come to undersand that praise and achievement are two of my triggers. Which is probably why I got nasty with those few people I post with regularly (you know who you are and I apologise)

that's enuff.

WOW dd I get side tracked ? Or what ?

In the last week I have received two pm's saying that they have tried to comment upon my blog. But for some, unspecified, reason permission to comment. Which I found rather interesting.

Complicating things just slightly one of the mods PM'ed me 36 hours ago saying they had just approved a comment upon my blog.

Roughly 12 hours later the comment had not arrived. So I decided to experiment and commented upon my own blog.

Before you rush to say this is vein. What I wrote was just a comment about the missing blog two short sentences long.

Interestingly, 24 hours later, even my comment has not arrived. Possibly being a comment by meself on my blog, it was not approved. For understanable reasons.

Hang on. I have just seen, for the first time, a tab marked permissions. So after I finishg here I'll click upon it and see what happens.

Anyhow I apologise to those who have taken the effort to comment on my blog only to find they have not arrived.

And now apologies to everyone. I have just noticed that the default is can read this blog entry. Not can read and reply to this blog. I have made the change.

The fault was/is entirely mine. I had not looked far enuff into the blog.

Hopefully the problem has been fixed. Sorry.

Late yesterday I became aware that a thread I started asking for help getting my computer to stop playing annoy the operator had started a flamming war, which caused me a sleepless night.

Anyhow I got up late, and being a creature of habit sat down at my computer comming to this site. And seeing a few members where having a ruff time of it responded in a manner I hope helped.

Then I vented into the flamming war. (I note tonight it did not stop the war.) Which put me further late.

What I should have been doing was checking my snail mail. For in it a letter holds my future. But my main abuser has a habit of trying to maintain contact. So I detest opening the snail mail box.

Anyhow by this time I was being seriously pushed for time I then got out (a rare event) to keep a hair cutting appointment. And to borrow a phrase, it did not end well.

So having let prople know I went and downloaded a near copy of Gentoo...... No it is not my current operating system......... and tomorrow I will seek advice about to convert it to Gentoo....... Shouldn't be hard.

While in a internet cafee ....... they can consume the 2.2 gig ...... I noticed someone at this site wanted help. I tried to respond by the virtual cleaner keep throwing me out of this site.

When the download went complete I went to pay for a fortnight medical insurance and my day improved.

Never before have I seen people getting angry to give money to to any organisation. Sorry but it amused me to watch the antics. And the staff being worn down clearly overworked and trying to placate those annoyed clients.

When it was my time, I got told the girl who served me had been spoken to for being so social wth me last time I was in the office. These things happen........... Didn't stop me being social. ........ Wonder what will happen when I go back on Thursday on my way to a doctors appointment.

Anyhow having got something to put in my fridge I got home and responded to the members here who I hope I helped. One hopes they are not upset at the slow response.

Minutes ago I watched Jamie Oliver cook against coos in Masterchef, Australia.

Now perhaps it is time I had breakfast, and bed.

Good night all and two days of solitude before I go out again. I know I won't get company and don't expect anyone to contact me.

Which is shades of my childhood.

In the last month, or so, I have had regulars to this forums suggest that if I ever need to talk they would be available. Yet I am distinctly reluctant to talk about meself. And I keep people at arms lengths.

It is an attitude to life developed in childhood. Mother dearest was constantly intruding in everything I attempted. She even regularly attempted to control how several employers dealt with me,(and made school a nightmare, but safer than being at home) which as one might imagine had a horrible.

So I had to learn to hide.

Four decades on I still hide. I am still a wimp as well. But I can play mind games with most everyone. Which has now created a problem.

I expect to hear whether I will get some surgery next week after Tuesday, but because it is major I WILL require someone to collect me from the hospital close to three hours away, each way, from this abode (two of them being in a plane) - I wont be allowed to lift anything for some weeks post surgery.

This creates two problems.

1/ At the moment I don't know who to try and impose upon. The clear implication being I have to break a lifetime habit and rely upon someone (and let them close?)

2/ Until the end of next week I will have no idea when the surgery (assuming the surgery is approved) will happen, making a commitment from someone else rather difficult.

Wish I knew how to let someone close.