A couple of weeks ago I happened to mentionin the pub I had a surgery comming up. At that time I had not considerd who I would ask to collect me from the hospital. Well A young lady replied, "I'm there."

I tried to argue over the date. She replied "doesn't matter. I'm there."

She did suggest that doing nine days of visits might be a problem. I didn't reply. I was thinking having company upon whom I'm dependant for the, roughly, four hour trip home was going to be a nightmare.

For me, someone who has a well earned reputation for keeping keeping people at arms length (and preferrably more), company is avoided. In case the point has not been made, It's been at least seven years (probaly more ) since someone dropped in on my place. And about five months since I recieved a social phone call.

Except for mother dearest. My main abuser. She had climbed round the security gate of my flat and knocking on front door before I knew she even thinking of visiting. (perhaps I shoulda read her weekly letters) In the four years since I have got a no contact order against her. (Something I've been pleading for since the 80's. To be fair I got a no contact order against my father in the 90's)

Anyhow, for reason's not quite relevant here I abandoned the notion of love back in the 70's. Making letting someone close, particularly quickly, my ultimate nightmare.

Well, this morning I was reading A-A's journal where she stated she had been forced to say in hospital for a fortnight. I thought better you than me. I could not do that !

Ten, bothered, minutes later I realised that is exactly what will be hapening later this year. And just to show how silly I am, I'm volunteering! And to make a bad situation worse I'll probably have nurses clucking round me.

If anyone's taking bets on how long it'll take me to crack and bite someone's head off, can I have the slot between ten and fifteen minutes? Fortunately I've no record of veing violent (at least that I know of...... I dissassociate)

When the possibility of the operation became certain roughly six weeeks ago I decided that whomever came to retrieve me from hospital would have an access all areas pass of my mind and past.

Now I'm seriously reconsidering everything. Even the hospital stay!

Help!