Romantic obsession and fantasy relationships, what the heck is it all about? For me it started when I was very young, I would decide I had a crush on an unavailable boy and then try to make him like me (by ignoring him of course) or otherwise and then cry when he didn't seem to like me. My family moved to another state when I was a teenager and I had to leave my first love behind, we didn't get to even kiss at all. For months after the move I missed my friends terribly and pined away for this boy and got depressed. In college this would also happen. I rejected harshly a boy that I was dating and then when he didn't come running back to me I cried and cried over him. Got majorly depressed actually, just couldn't get over him for years.

In the past I think I categorized the people with whom I had relationships as either above me (romantic obsession), below me (current plaything until something better comes along) or my equals (very rare and actually only serious relationship candidates). But even in my "stable" relationships, I grew bored. I felt constrained and shackled and just not really into the person anymore (perhaps once I decided he was "below" me). I would find a fantasy relationship where I would fixate on someone as a crutch to get out of a current relationship or I just hopped from one relationship into the next without so much as looking back (typically relationships that from the get go weren't deemed as "equals") . I tried being single, but even when I wasn't in a relationship per se, I fell in love with someone who was emotionally unavailable (above me) and toyed with me for three years (fantasy relationship).

Since I was a child I was obsessed with the idea of finding "the one". And I have had many serendipitous meetings where it seemed like pure magic how we came together, but I would eventually knock him down off the pedestal and move on, quite harshly at times. Now I have been in a stable relationship for several years. This is my first serious relationship "in recovery". We had some rocky moments but things are good now and guess what, now that there is no drama, all of a sudden I remembered someone I met years ago and my mind keeps going there wondering if maybe THAT person was "the one". Sometimes I feel constrained in my current relationship and sometimes I feel like I would be happy somewhere else. Fantasy life with a fantasy person in fantasy land basically. Rationally I understand that but still, I can't stop thinking about the other person and the "what if" things had worked out. My guess is this has nothing to do with him now but with me hiding from something and using the fantasy of him to cover it up.

The theory behind this is that the core of BPD is a lack of a coherent sense of self. In fact, all BPD issues just might arise out of this lack of self. Lately I am feeling that I am sort of wasting my time in the career where I find myself and should be doing something that is a lot more interesting. The problem is, because I have BPD (something I am just now truly coming to terms with), I am a different person every few days. I can so easily be swayed by a charismatic personality or a very successful person. So two years ago I wanted to become a writer, a year ago, I wanted to become an artist, six months ago, I wanted to get an e-commerce business going, two weeks ago I became interested in neuroscience and cognitive psychology and now I want to do something else. It's a total cluster F&$#.

I have learned the fact that my brain is like a kaleidoscope, when turned it forms a different picture, never again being the same. The problem is when I am infatuated with an idea (or a person), it's like the future is so clear, I am full on hypo-manic. I know all the steps to take and all the resources magically appear, until one day I wake up, my self esteem is gone and I sulk in a corner basically and then a few weeks later switch to a fantasy of something else and the rollercoaster continues. My early career is full of such radical transitions that I am doing everything in my power to just hold down my current position, because in the interview process it goes like this: so I first did this and then I switch to this and then I did this, and then... and then... and then.. and then... You get the picture.

So what can I tell you here. From outside I have a pretty impressive career and very impressive title. Deep down I loathe what I do. So now, my efforts are spent getting to know myself. Curious about writing? I took some writing classes. Curious about art? Took some art classes. Curious about whatever, take a class, go to a museum, allow yourself to noncommittally explore without building grandiose fantasies on top. Apparently, even BPD's have a core self except that it has been so deeply injured that it is wrapped in layers of chameleon-like behavior. We change ourselves to fit the environment, to fit the idea of what we think will bring us the greatest love, attention, satisfaction. But the chameleon cannot provide that. It can only make us go along with something outside of ourselves and the emotional freak out happens when we realize we fell into its trap again, sometimes blaming others for "pushing" us into the wrong path.

So I am now watching my chameleon, when it fantasizes and tries on different realities and lives as if on a stage. By watching it carefully, I am learning to unmask it and see what lies beyond it. There are certain core values that I have that do not change. I have compromised them in the past to fit in, unwittingly, but now, I am giving greater audience to these values and little by little refusing to compromise. It is with these little actions (and there are set backs) that I am forging a connection with my fractured true self. I hope that with time I will annihilate the chameleon and shine my true inner self and I wish the same to all of you here.

My therapists don't believe I have bipolar, I don't know what I can do to convince them. But I know hypo-mania, i LOVE it. I had nearly 4 months of what I thought was a stable positive mood (uh huh), but ever so slightly it was on the up and up. And then it happened again, just when I thought the mood cycling was over, boom, I crashed. It's like riding a bicycle on the highest gear and all of sudden switching to low. You're spinning but there's just no more go.

And the cycle, this vicious pattern repeats, over and over and over. Once I crash I'm in a depression, I can barely get up or shower let alone work, for weeks. And then I start coming out and things look better until one morning I wake up and guess who's back, that's right, fairy dust. All of a sudden my mind is sharp, it's like I get superpowers, my senses are stronger. There's magic in the air I can feel it, my thoughts become like colorful rivers of images and words and concepts and I feel it, I feel it in my body like life is returning, it's like being high on super low dose of some super clean acid. I am full of plans, I am going to change my life, my gears are churning, business plans, scripts and fragments of poetry haunt me, keeping me up at night, but somewhere I'm getting exhausted, my body can no longer keep up but my mind keeps turning and turning until the feeling is too much. The noises, the smells, it's all too overwhelming. I want to run, to turn away and then I can really lose it, usually on my poor boyfriend but sometimes my friends.

Sometimes work just feels too stressful, I stumble over words trying to get my point across, trying to keep it all together. I once asked the same question 20 times, it was crazy. I wasn't getting the answer, but perhaps I wasn't getting my point across, I grit my teeth and taste metal, headache, migraine, heart pounding, that question, that last argument, stuck on repeat, cycling, grinding down my mind, I feel like there is a hole inside forming. I can lose a couple of pounds in those 2 days of peaking out and then I crash into shaky despondency, fatigue, utter uselessness. Yeah, I know hypomania, we have quite a love affair going.

I recently got triggered by someone's post on Facebook. I didn't realize that it triggered me, but it did. It was a callous post showing an assault weapon and a very callous quotation. Instead of just ignoring it or hiding it from my timeline, I felt compelled to say something. Anyway, it went south quickly with personal accusations and I terminated the friendship both online and offline with the person posting. We've all seen pictures that tell us exactly what to do with our opinion so I think I will keep that in mind the next time I am compelled to say something negative or contrary. Sometimes I can't do it in a way that doesn't start a war, even if I don't start out with personal attacks, I can cut to the heart of the matter quickly and people get very defensive very quickly.

But the point I am trying to make, that although the person who made the post and all those who "liked it" seem to be "normal" people, the simple fact that they laugh that this can be hurtful for someone and that a weapon of mass murder is funny, shows some serious anti-social tendencies in a whole political spectrum of society. Maybe instead of saying we live in a borderline world, we actually live in an ASPD or NPD world. There is some research that borderline traits may be a result of damage at the hands of NPD or ASPD individuals. But if we think about it, human history is rife with absolutely inhumane behavior with wars and genocide of millions of people. How can the perpetrators have been sane? Even today.

Perhaps I should stop watching the news and stop engaging with people on the opposite political spectrum since my skin is way too thin to take the assaults. Whereas I try to call to people's sense of dignity and humanity, I am being diminished and attacked for simply speaking up. So must one just keep quiet and not challenge opposing viewpoints? But wouldn't that just be condoning that type of behavior? The holocaust happened because people condoned it. They were ok with marginalization of a certain group as long as it didn't affect them.

I guess I should just try to keep my side of the street clean. That's the best thing that I can personally do and accept my limitations. Accept that I can't change the world but can only exercise more humility and compassion, even if sometimes I just want to scream at people to wake up.

I don’t know where to begin, I keep trying to untwist the pathways of memory in my mind but only end up losing my way, sinking deeper into confusion and fear, until all I can do is sit as still as possible, drawing tiny barely perceptible breaths. Like a dear caught in headlights I am petrified and the only thing that seems more twisted and murky than my past is the future.

How did I get here? Do we really want to go down that path? We’ve tried going down there but it never leads anywhere but to more questions so I will speak in general terms. A chameleon is someone who has evolved to change the color of their skin to blend in with environment. It doesn’t do this for fun, it is an evolutionary protection mechanism, that allows it to pass for a desert rock or a tropical plant. I am a chameleon. This is not a science fiction novel, I am not some strange alien hybrid that can shapeshift at will, although… there has been a time when I thought perhaps that I was. I certainly felt like it. No, I am a chameleon of character. At least I was.

I have lost my will to change since I shattered my newly reinvented persona on the rocks, the rocks of life that is and now my thoughts short circuit not allowing me to move this way or that. I am carried by the currents and occasionally I paddle a little this way or that but for the most part I want to hide and not look forward or sideways or back. Petrified. Condemned to lose. Condemned to feel a stranger in the moment still nurturing a sense that I ought to belong to something greater that I auditioned for the lead character but by mistake landed into someone else’s mediocre supporting role. It’s an ok role but the play is not about me and I want to be in a play that is about me. I always shied away from the spotlight even though it seemed to chase me a little, now the spotlight has gone out, I don’t even know where it shines anymore but certainly not here.

I have for a long time felt as a window shopper of life, convinced I could will myself into another picture. I remember walking through the streets of new York as a teenager on a visit. I felt the shabbiness of my clothes and the cold loneliness in my soul as I looked at the strangers passing me by. I wondered if this man or that was a millionaire, I let my mind be carried into a Cinderella fantasy. There it was the birth of the ugly beast. Why? Where did this come from? Who loaded me up with this crap? I am afraid only now I can see that perhaps it was my mother.

My mother. Is it the destiny of every child to turn into their mother at some point? For a long time, all my motivation was going towards not becoming like her. I would have a career, I would turn myself inside out until I bleed but I would not be fat. I would not be like her, until now I am also finding myself in a foreign land, trapped within four walls living inside of my fantasies, unable to escape the prison of fear.