My therapists don't believe I have bipolar, I don't know what I can do to convince them. But I know hypo-mania, i LOVE it. I had nearly 4 months of what I thought was a stable positive mood (uh huh), but ever so slightly it was on the up and up. And then it happened again, just when I thought the mood cycling was over, boom, I crashed. It's like riding a bicycle on the highest gear and all of sudden switching to low. You're spinning but there's just no more go.

And the cycle, this vicious pattern repeats, over and over and over. Once I crash I'm in a depression, I can barely get up or shower let alone work, for weeks. And then I start coming out and things look better until one morning I wake up and guess who's back, that's right, fairy dust. All of a sudden my mind is sharp, it's like I get superpowers, my senses are stronger. There's magic in the air I can feel it, my thoughts become like colorful rivers of images and words and concepts and I feel it, I feel it in my body like life is returning, it's like being high on super low dose of some super clean acid. I am full of plans, I am going to change my life, my gears are churning, business plans, scripts and fragments of poetry haunt me, keeping me up at night, but somewhere I'm getting exhausted, my body can no longer keep up but my mind keeps turning and turning until the feeling is too much. The noises, the smells, it's all too overwhelming. I want to run, to turn away and then I can really lose it, usually on my poor boyfriend but sometimes my friends.

Sometimes work just feels too stressful, I stumble over words trying to get my point across, trying to keep it all together. I once asked the same question 20 times, it was crazy. I wasn't getting the answer, but perhaps I wasn't getting my point across, I grit my teeth and taste metal, headache, migraine, heart pounding, that question, that last argument, stuck on repeat, cycling, grinding down my mind, I feel like there is a hole inside forming. I can lose a couple of pounds in those 2 days of peaking out and then I crash into shaky despondency, fatigue, utter uselessness. Yeah, I know hypomania, we have quite a love affair going.