it's coming

you'd better hurry

you need to find a reason

a reason to live

you're going to need it

if you expect to make it through this time

if you expect to live

if you even want to

the darkness is coming

and I need to find a reason to live

or I'm not going to make it

it's going to be bad this time

I can tell

need to find a reason

any reason will do

better hurry

the darkness is here

it's not so bad

I've been here before

it's like home, really

at least the pain has stopped

it always stops

when you don't care anymore

I can't stop thinking about the many ways

I could end it for good

but at least the pain has stopped

because I don't care anymore

I don't want to care anymore

it hurts too much

and I can't stop thinking about ending it

I don't want to care

ever again

and then it's gone

the numbness is gone

I can feel again

it's all sunshine and ######6 lollipops now

it's gone

and you don't have to think about it anymore

you shouldn't think about it

you better not think about the darkness

because you'll miss it

You know your life has become (insert your own word of choice here) when you start comparing loo roll. I have the lovely aloe vera stuff at home but at choir today had to make do with NHS cheapo. My body was not best pleased.

Choir was good, we worked hard but had a lot of fun as per usual. Music helps MH so much. I love my gospel choir, we recently recorded a CD. I also write, record and perform my own music. Got a recording coming up on Thursday, which will be fun. I find writing stuff is a really good way to get all the crap out. I leant the choir master my CD and he liked it, which means a lot. Tho his favourite song was about suicide - "I liked the melody"...

Having another one of those cant sleep nights, wonder if I am going a little hypomanic, will have to check my list of early warning signs and cut out the caffeine. All you BPs out there I strongly suggest you make a list of early warning signs if you haven't done already. It is wonderful to feel more in control of my "bipolar and baggage" with the help of meds and therapy.

So what am I doing to try to make myself sleepy? Hot milky drink? No. Actually getting into bed? No. Relaxing music and lavendar? No. Breathing exercises? No. Tidy bedroom? No! I am watching The Birdcage. So my sleep hygiene is better in theory than in practice. Oh well...

Well I hope you are either all tucked up in bed asleep or having a good day

Cracked

I understand that compulsive lying is a REAL problem, and I also understand the difference between a compulsive liar and someone who can control themselves. What I dont understand is why someone who knows the difference and knows that thier untrue words is tearing thier relationship apart, but yet continue to make excuses and reasons to justify thier lie and make it seem like it was right thing to do. Now, call me old fashioned, but to me lying to your significant other is never the right thing to do. Your significant other is someone that you shouldn't have to hide anything from (and yes, hiding is a form of lying), the one person is your life that you can trust with anything, the one that you should ultimatly not lie to. As we all know in a realtionship it is imparitive that we keep trust, and honesty, because without honesty there is no trust, and without trust a relationship will not work. As much as I stress this fact to my significant other, its still seeming like it goes in one ear and out the other, and brushed off like its no big deal. Im not trying to be a drama queen when I say this, but when it comes to me and my realtionship with my loved one IT IS A BIG DEAL. I've caught him up in a few lies here and there and he don't seem to understand that its going to cause a trust problem that can't just be fixed by an apology,trust must be earned, and brushing it off as nothing isn't going to fix it, in the end it just creates a bigger problem than we started with. It hurts me when he says "I'm sorry and it won't happen again" knowing that he don't mean it. To me thats just another lie, because in our situation I know it will. I love this man with everything in me, and Im at a loss as to what to do. With all this said, I know that slowly but surely with every lie discovered we are loosing the life and realtionship that both of us have worked so hard to achieve is crumbling down around us. Ive tried everything I can think of to get him to understand, but every attempt failed miserably. Like i said I'm at a loss as to what to do and in desperation I come to this website for some guideance to salvage whats left of my relationship. Every opinion and bit of advice anyone can give will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
trzcnqrall

Abused + Beaten + Creative = Dissociative Disorder
~tylas

I am going to add some favorite CA quotes here