I relapsed today. I masturbated in bed this morning. The intense feelings and emotions caused me to become destabilized and I wound up looking at porn later in the afternoon as well. So much for 'easily' kicking the masturbation and porn habit.

Ascribing to the Louise Hay school of thought I know it's not wise to beat myself up over things. I'm working towards a kindler, gentler, me. Stop the criticism, it's hard.

Evaluated my feelings - What went wrong?

For starters I spent way too much time in bed, dilly dallying. Should have gotten up at the first crack of sunlight and gone outside. Day would have been much different had I done this.

I felt a bit depressed today and not such a good mood. I think this can definitely affect relapse.

So I felt like digging deeper. Hello Siri, can you find me a cure for my sexual addiction? Siri Answer: Here's SexualControl.com
Me: Thanks Siri!

Reading...
There's some intriguing stuff. According to website the pain I've been experiencing is being caused by my repression of my sexual feelings. If this is true, then my original premise "It's all about the pain" is all wrong.

According to website, and this makes perfect sense to me, we can't suppress our sex drive. We're innately sexual beings and these feelings are too intimate. What we are having are intimacy problems.

Apparently I'm supposed to let myself experience the feelings of wanting to masturbate and whatnot, but then control it and let the feelings pass. This is certainly a gentler approach than the extreme angle I tried to take by simply cutting out sexual thoughts altogether whenever they popped up.

So I guess it's ok to have sexual feelings. It's ok to want to see prostitutes. I'm just not supposed to do it. I can hang with that...I think. Interesting. The man left his number. I'll have to give the chap a call. I'll be surprised if there's a human on the other end.

I'm surprised I did not come across this website before. I had done other searches. Perhaps today was my lucky day? In any case, I feel better now. Almost everything I've experienced up to this point has been covered to a tee on his website.

We're on the same wavelength which is good. And he's been successful in kicking his addiction which shows there might be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Well, today has been constructive. I think that is the most positive thing I can take from it. Even though I have relapsed, I have used this to try to put myself in better position not to relapse in the future.

Now I have a different tack, a different angle I can take to conquer my demon. There is still hope. I feel more whole now. I can actually acknowledge my sexual feelings when I see a drop dead gorgeous girl and I have an idea of what to do with those feelings.

Move forward....