I am a long time drug addict and alcoholic. A cursory glance at any of my posts probably reveals a lot about my general character and mental health state...I started smoking weed 14 years ago, near the time I got my GED. The 2 years prior to that had been rough as I saw my dad die when I was 16.

Last night I smoked a bowl and it was like all the venom and craziness was separated out from the rational. I found myself able to sit down and think, without the alters, about what I was doing. How much damage I had done, how I kept deluding myself that my behavior was anything but harmful. I could experience single emotions and process them. I could be "me" for a bit.

"Me" still misses her so much, but was able to actually see things from her perspective. And then, from the perspectives of everyone else we had let down.

I liked "me" on weed. Thoughtful. Not crazy. Able to think positive, compassionately and not be a crazy abusive dbag.

Each bit in my light logic consist of two light lanes One lane(the path lane) almost always being on and the other lane on or off(the data lane)
The device I'll be using is a tweaked double slit experiment where by I add a holographic crystal beside the path hole and I have a filter on the data hole where by if the output is set to particle then the light slips over to the path hole.

Gates
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AND:
So you start with 4 lanes 2 path lanes and 2 data lanes. So the holographic crystal will not allow detection if both beams are active.

OR:
So here the crystal just needs at least one active data light to turn off detection.

NOT:
here you only have one data lane and one path lane and the crystal is activated by the data light turning the hole off.

NOR:
You just use a not gate first on both of the data lanes and then run the pipe though an AND gate.

NAND:
The crystal will allow you to activate detection when both data sources are active.

EX-OR:
here you parallelize the task with 1 And and one NOR creating 2 data lanes for a OR gate at the end.

EX-NOR:
Same thing just with a NOT gate at the end.

For four weeks this summer I work as a receptionist at a funeral home. I keep coming back year after year since they keep asking me back. Every time I work here I'm reminded of just how ill suited I am for the service industry... but that was not what I meant to write about.

Sometimes it's a lot of work. And sometimes it's a _lot_ of downtime. So I read and browse the internet. I browse this forum and I get these impulses to respond so I formulate answers, sometimes I even write them down, but I generally don't post. It's a vague feeling of "what's the point?" that often stops me, I think.

And of course also the simple fact that I can never come up with anything to ask back. I don't generally carry conversations well since I only answer, never ask.

I'm getting a bit tired of living a life completely devoid of motivation. It might be nice to _want_ something some times. Instead I've got this unspecified, sucking hole in my chest leaving me feeling empty and lacking... something.

And why should I post this? What is the point? It feels a bit like sending a message in a bottle, but out into space.

I’ve noticed I have something of a bad habit of comparing my case of molestation to fellow survivors cases. In the sense of me thinking or outright saying something like “Oh no, that’s much worse than what I went through.” As a logical person, I should know better and understand how negatively it can be perceived when I talk like that. It doesn’t matter how long one had to endure their abuse or how horrible it was. It’s all horrible and it’s not a damn competition! I don’t ever see any other survivors making comparisons like that. That should tell me something. I like to think I’m smart and able to handle myself when addressing this topic, but the reality is that I’m still fairly new to it and have a lot to learn. One could probably make the case that I shouldn’t even be talking about other peoples trauma when I haven’t overcome my own yet. It would probably be a more than fair criticism.

So I had an all day conversation with my husband... Again about MY needs... Blah blah blah sex blah blah horny blah blah blah fault blah blah hurt. It went in circles about what I do wrong and what he does wrong and we ended up where we started. No where! Ugh the frustration of it all! If I could grab him and inject him with testosterone I would. In a heart beat. Btw if my gramma or spelling is off forgive me I blog from my iPhone.
So he had class last night and decided he would go to class early to get some work done... So as soon as the door closed I jumped into bed and grabbed my bullet. 8 busts later I was more frustrated than before!?!!! WTF?!?! Ugh! I was SO ANGRY at that. So of course I start texting him and made it worse.
This morning he gave me some oral pleasure which didn't result in much more than that. It's like he forgot how I like it. Then I took charge and rode him and that was over in like 30 seconds. He proceeds to tell me that it's "your junk, it's too good". So I began thinking is it imascalating to him that my vagina has some sort of super power!? He has never been the one to go again in ten minutes either. I'm bummed out.
So we are talking about herbal supplements. Yohambi is supposed to help. Stay tuned for those results.