It's very hard for me to have friends. Not because I can't keep up an act, but because other people hate me. I'm not saying that everyone hates me, but there are people who know about my history. They know I have comitted crimes and that I can be very agressive. To them, it's a reason to hate me. And my friends should do too.

The police knows the most of me, and what they know aren't good things. I don't know if they suspect me of ASPD, but let's say that some of them respect me because they believe I'm smart and can influence many people. One cop is sure that I will succeed and earn much money in my life.

When I asked him why, he told me he didn't know. He told me I just have something what other people don't have. He couldn't exactly pinpoint it.

This may sounds like a benefit, but it isn't. It seems like all cops think I'm influencing other teenagers into doing bad things. They see me as "the bad influence" and my friends should leave me. The cops are telling this for years now, and I'm wondering if this is true?

Or am I just blamed for no reason?

I can't remember that I manipulated my friends into doing something illegal. Not one single moment. But fact is that all my friends turn into criminals when they hang around with me. The weird thing is that I'm also less criminal when I don't hang out with anyone, so I guess we're influencing each other.

But that doesn't hold people back from blaming me. Some police officers are even agressive and hostile towards me, just because they think I'm purposefully turning people into criminals.

How can I ever have friends if I always get blamed by police officers? This world is just crazy. Why should I blame myself? That's all they want. They want me to blame myself, but I don't see myself as someone who can easily influence people. I'm not even busy with that - I don't care.

I have some friends who will never turn into criminals, even while they hang around with me for years. Therefore I don't blame myself. It's not my "charm and deceit" that makes people do things.

This stupid scapegoating behavior is also common in parents. For example, when they don't trust the boyfriend of their daughter and start blaming everything on them. It's just ridicilous.

And that same stupid story goes on for people with (suspected) ASPD. They get blamed for everything. It's pathetic people.

I don't know who I am, I feel as tho theres is someone else inside my head... making all the decisions... time will tell.

You get a 1 km square plot of land and a relative amount of water and everything else about the world including some animals, different plants ect and 16 people. The lose Aim of the game is to do well on your patch and not to mess it up while linking up with other peoples patch's and doing business which might include some tough decisions. Your people can desert your land and sneak onto other peoples land. They are an AI that you can tempt to do work so you basically can tempt them in many ways but ultimately they can move across you might also get more credit out of more people ect.
Each month is a year in the square land universe and there is 100 years with later tweaking of games future abilities to play before you buy the next installment which allows a further 100 years of advancement.

Im always at that cross roads. I refuse to get into relationships; I have to much contempt for the idiots that want to love me! I think they are brain dead and stupid f@cks. And thats one idea.

They assume after a short amount of time; Im a loser! Thats what happens when Im dealing with shallow people!

Im not a loser, but no one else cares, they make things up! f#cking retards.

Im dealing with allot of predators that get into my space! con artists; 2 faced, deceptive! or punks that need to be taken down! Either way I have to learn to get away from them. I can't control them or the envernment! Getting into it with them is a waist. You become their captor at that point! Its not worth my time! I have to learn to move around them or away from them; something like that!

Im weak and give into them! I don't stand up for myself and tell them to get lost! stay away from em and don't talk to me anymore. The best I can do is ignore them... Some are good. They seem to think they are undetected. They are completely open and relaxed around me! its all contempt and arrogance!

Some of them are simply ######6 evil and not worth much more! They think they have it going on! its horrible and horrifying.

I need more work to wake up. I can't let dumb-asses get in the way of my progress! I have to stay low key!

I am disappointed that no one can be trusted from the people I started out with! Not one; not really! well, a few are Ok. Most are not! They charm you! they are no good. They play you underhand behind your back!

The other; Im chicken; by the time I actually process that Im loved by someone Its to late. I wait and watch! This is what I find. The girl has moved on to someone else! And she has had him in mind if I didn't work out! F#ck both of them and all of them! I want nothing to do with these kind of people. Im a decent human being, not some f#cking scumbag...

I have a hard time standing up for myself; I can't fight back and defend myself! People get into my space and I get scared. Im freeze up and can't move. Predators see this and run with it!

Im a deep deep person! do they really think they can compete against me! I don't think so! Yet they try out of contempt!

I hate their f#cking guts... Scum bag b#tches... They are all b#tches... Everyones a bitch!




I have to find people that are not deceptive.

I blame myself for touring in the house of the vampire! female vampires fall in love with me, Only to find out Im not a vampire! When this happens, they go into a rage; find a big strong real male vampire from their clan and pass me off as a throw away! They feel victimized. I victimized them because I never told them I wasn't a vampire. I led them on ( sorry for being a decent human being). I was one of those sickos that believe in God and the light! I do not believe in worshiping evil! and I do not believe in believing in evil! Im not God, and neither are you!

And I am a big fool and a hypocrite!

Im so 2 faced, and I do not know what to do about it, except keep working on it until I can separate the 2 views and see which I will stand for!

I have to keep working through my recovery! I have to learn to stay away from trouble!

Im just trying to wake up! ITs very hard!

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In the meetings; its extremely important that I have space around me! no one sitting by me! and its important that I have anonymity. I want people away from me, not talking to me! only choice friends.

I have to learn to walk away from people that don't value me! Others have walked away from me; they didn't value me!

People in the meetings don't value me! no one does.

I have to keep trusting God!

I need to think someone values me!

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The point of this blog; others are taking advantage of me and I do not know how to fight back! Im not well enough to fight back! I have to stay away from them....

[ Continued ]

As I was walking down the stairs at the train station, I was thinking about the court case I had just lost and how my ex-boyfriend had offered to pay on my behalf. At that moment this woman smiled at me. I have done a lot of therapy around being able to receive what other people are wanting to give me. I went to the ticket booth to buy my ticket - and realised I hadn't put my purse in the handbag I had with me. My mind was thinking how I was going to get into the city???... I didn't have enough time to get to my car and drive in. The woman who had smiled at me ,was standing next to me and offered me money for my ticket. How much does that happen these days??? I accepted and she told me that she had smiled at me because I have a highly unusual aura and she sensed that I was having financial trouble. I told her I had been thinking about a financial loss from a court case as I walked passed her. She said "You need a solicitor. My sister is a very good solicitor. And went to write down a name on the back of her card. I already knew who she was about to write down. It was the same woman who had worked on my financial settlement in my marriage - she certainly is an amazing woman. I got goosebumps.

I've tried to reach the lady to give her back the money but can't get hold of her yet. I will keep trying coz I don't think she should be out of pocket for her generosity.

I've still got verbal diarrohea and increased appetite. Last night I had insomnia on a increased dose of Seroquel. Go figure? I took a little extra seroquel and agomelatine to get back to sleep after 3 hours of nothing else working. I will text my pdoc for advice about tonight's dose. Losing the court case yesterday and having an intense counselling session with my ex-boyfriend, probably explains last night's sleep being affected.