Relational development; It is beginning to form;
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Soulmate;
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The beginning of Relational developmental practice…..
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Ill assume Im completely dating someone We are together… I will assume we are together in my imagination and ill write stories about it on paper over n over n over… amen. A thousand times as if we are already dating.
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Im working with the laws of attraction. The idea is to build up the momentum and energy from the universe for a soulmate.
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In the present right now;
After several months; working with the universe; Ive kind uv found a person Im going to use as a representation of what I would be looking for in the real world as a soulmate; I believe strongly the universe has created this situation for me to get some ideas of what im looking for in a soulmate for the future.
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In reality; Im to new to this process; and cant rely on any one person I know as someone who is actually my soulmate or interested in me. I don’t know anyone who is interested in me; atleast that would qualify for a soulmate or girlfriend.
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So; working with the universe having permission from the universe; Ill use this women Ive seen before , someone Ive met; Ive been around for a few months; I don’t talk to her. She does not necessarily seem interested in me in anyway. She has been polite one time I had a short short banter of words with. However; there is something about her; I cant put my fingers on it…
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For some reason working with the universe; she seems to be a closer fit; type of person to imagine Im looking for.
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So; Ill call her M.
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So; Ill write stories about M and Myself; How we met how we are dating; are physical intimacy together and how we communicate. Ill build a relationship on paper so much so; that it appears to be real. Until I convince myself and the universe it is real…
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NOTE; One goal of all this; for me to believe. For; believing first is the ingredient for success later.
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However; What is real about this person that I would consider them a prototype? I don’t know; maybe the frequency; Either way; Ill use this situation as a frame work. I seriously do not see myself ever talking to this real person ever again. Im not treated very well by them.
They are a kind of popular person. So; Im kind of unnoticed. Maybe its better that way. I have this feeling; this is what the universe wants. . I experienced a very short connection with them; maybe a minute and it was over for ever. However; I understand how the universe works; and I did gather up enough information to use as a starting point of what I might want to see in a soulmate.
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Its a starting place.
I did get an introduction with this person; shook her hand; had a few pleasant words with her and it reminded me of connection; general connection. So. Ill just fly with that to start with… Ill go with that.

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Strange; I can kind of feel it; it feels kind of normal; strangely normal to use that person as a prototype for future relationship information. A general plan of what Im looking for. I believe surely The universe allowed me to bump into this person and feel this kind of equal -ness of frequency;
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What I know about all this; Laws of attraction… Well; I believe Im at another juncture. Ive advanced through the ranks of interacting with women at different stages. Im starting to see that the universe made me attractive for these purposes. However; suddenly they are starting fade away; the women are disippearing; they have gone their own way and Im of no more interest or attraction; Nothing.
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A Nudge from the Universe;
However; also in this plan; I met some new people; and it is those new people Im getting the nudge by the universe to create a prototype of my favorable relational interactions with someone; People Ive interacted with; some behaviors about them I like…
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So; it looks like Ive got a prototype.
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Ill write storie...

[ Continued ]

I'm so so tired today..

Didn't sleep much last night but I've found it difficult to sleep lately anyway.. I'm shattered in the mornings but wide awake at night..
Also been getting dizzy and seeing ''sparkles'' every time I stand up again..

Last year I was getting all these symptoms and ended up having an MRI for suspected MS.. nothing was found on the scan which is great but it would be good to know what's causing the symptoms.
I know that the dizziness on standing is caused by a rapid dip in blood pressure but it would be helpful to know why it does this.
I'm wondering if it's anything to do with the mini diet i'm on atm.. I'm eating really healthily (and I actually mean healthily.. )
But.. high blood pressure is linked to too much salt etc in a diet.. presumably the reverse would also be true..

hmnn.. I'll look into things a bit..

anyway - wish me luck, i'm about to stand up again

Sometimes I'm not sure about who I am. I suffer from DID, I suppose, and I know that sometimes there's one of my alters out, and not me. Other times I feel only their influence on my emotions and this is really strange for me, because I feel like I'm going crazy.
I'm writing this in a moment of dissociation and I can't understand who I am, or if world's real. I feel like everything is fake and everything is annoying to me.
My mother is tidying up her room and the sound of the objects that are moved is physically irritating, I feel like something is scratching me, the kind of feeling of when someone passes the nails on the blackboard. I also responded badly to her and to my father as well at a moment ago. I feel like a teenage in crisis. And it makes sense if when I think about the fact that Alessia ( one of my alter, who's often the angry one ) is a teenage in crisis. She's 15 and she's in the "nobody understand me" mood.
I don't know why, but she's reflecting her feelings on me, without going out.
She seems very depressed and I feel bad for her. I don't know how to help Alessia and I feel like I'm kinda powerless... I hate this sensation, which comes from her as the others. It remainds us of when my grandma died. We cried a lot, and no one understood Alessia's suffering. I guess she was the one out in that period. She felt so lonely, and hopeless, like she could not make her future going better.
We still miss our grandma, we still miss her love, she was the only capable to understand our sadness, when no one, neither mom, or dad, could.
I feel like a child right now, a 15 years old girl who know nothing about these years have passed.
I guess I'm Alessia now. Or maybe not, I don't know.
I'm feeling like I'm a stranger in my own body. I can remember all the things ( maybe ) Angela wrote here, but they seems like wrote by another person. Obviously, they're wrote by her.
I hate everything.
I hate myself, and I hate this world too.
Why am I this lonely? Why everyone abandone me? They always run away... it's a fear I and Angela have in common: to be left alone. And now, I can feel her thoughts, like "we're alone, but we're together in this, isn't it?". She always tries her best to make me smile, and I... adore her. And the other as well. Only her words can make me turn calm. And now I feel like I've got another flashback, about the period when my grandma died. The hospital where she was, where another old lady died and where I hoped, I truly hoped, that my grandma could not met the same fate. And in fact...
I can't trust no one, they can run away, they can die, they can abandone me other ways. I don't want to love, to get attached to someone, and then losing them. It's so terrible when you lose someone.
It's even more terrible when you know they can't come back. They truly can't come back.
Is this the reason why I try always to solve with people?
I don't want... to be alone.

A broken person am I,
Doomed to wander the world until I die.
It hurts people in everything I do,
But none so much as I or you,
We see what no one else can see,
It seems to us reality,
Trapped by myself and my idiotic lies,
Once a bird's wings are broken, it no longer flies,
and I
Am
Bound
To the ground.

Nothing to "... home about. Strawberry fields forever. Please some add the words here.

la la la.. living is ...with eyes closed. Misunderstanding all you see. ... Strawberry fields forever."