It's funny, I never thought i would write about my life as it is/was before and after my diagnosis. Then again it might well be a good thing to do.

Since this morning (I'm Hypomanic at the moment) I have felt the need to write this. I often wonder why it took so long to get a diagnosis. It makes me really mad that a lot of people in the psyche business think you should treat the symptom and not the illness. From what i have read its 50/50 split of people who cope better/worse after a proper diagnosis.

I fall into the former category. As soon as i was diagnosed with BiPolar2 I went and found out as much as I could. people who know me said it was the teacher in me that did it. I knew differently. Since i was very young i have had a thirst for knowledge. If I didn't understand something i was driven to find out more.

The funny thing about that was I went to a very strict catholic secondary school and of all people it was my RE teacher that taught me to follow my intuition and ask questions, which I did. Questions about another question, about another and so on. I was very proud of my free thinking nature.

Home was generally happy but there was always the threat of violence from my mother, she abused me physically and emotionally. I have a scar inside my mouth from many years back when she scratched the inside of my mouth. Nothing was ever good enough, I'd get a B grade and she would say "Why not an A?"

Her reasoning for this was I needed pushing, the thing is that I didn't, in fact quite the opposite both my younger brother and sister were encouraged. My bro outdid me on his own terms and now works as a games designer in Iceland he did it on his own terms. My sister was driven to a supposed eating disorder and never EVER sat an exam. (Truth I found out was she couldn't take the pressure of being compared to me. Yeah, I'm smart and creative Thank you BiPolar). Her grades never did match mine but even if they did, I EARNED mine.

I went to Uni and truly learned to be free. Still with occasional phonecalls from my mother to try to keep her dominance. Looking back, it was during this time I showed signes of (Hypo)mania/Severe Depression and self medication. I was put on anti depressants and everything was good.

I graduated with a 2.1 BA Hons in Theatre Studies and English lit. I also studied philosophy. To me that was an escape, a chance to truly know myself.

I decided to become a teacher, met my wife to be and had my first mental breakdown. I was diagnosed Obsessive compulsive and put on (you guessed it) Anti depressants. I took time off work and I seemed to get better. (It was around this time that I started to pull my hair out, this was before i discovered blades)

I got better, I moved schools and then in quick succession I lost two members of my family that i actually gave a damn about My grandma and my aunt (She was like my second mom and I miss her every day). Then my dad had a heart attack. 4 years after my first breakdown I had my next and again I was self harming but no crisis intervention, just different anti-depressants (by this time I had tried 3 maybe 4 types) and a referral to CBT (I found out since then it is a 50/50 thing with CBT and i was asked a lot of questions that made me very uncomfortable) I was 30 at the time and at no point had anyone suggested I should see a Pdoc. I got better (Not really better just hypomania then normality for a while).

About a year and a half ago I thought we had it cracked I was put on sertraline and it made me feel better, then it just drove me nuts with waaaay too much energy. I discovered blades and have used them since.

June of last year I had a serious attempt to end my life. With that and a Doctor who said that maybe the highs were the problem, I was referred to the city crisis team. They were there visited me every day. I no longer felt alone. I was put on a low dose of Seroquel (the normal stuff not the slow release I'm on at the moment.) At first it was...

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Now I hate snow as some of you know So why am I devoting blog space to it?

But I have to have a little rant.

We have up to 4-5 inches of snow fallen - hardly major snow drifts but yet the whole country appears to have come to a standstill. People were abandoning trains and walking along train tracks to get to their destination, roads have come to a halt with lorries parking up in the middle of the road and people abandoning their cars. We are being warned about the perils of being stuck in our cars and what to keep in our boots in case of emergency. We are being asked to look after "old people" in case they die - quite why this is only the case when it snows I am not so sure. Airports have been closed and flights cancelled. This country is really quite idiotic at times.

Having said that I am taking advantage of it in saying that I cannot possibly get to church "due to the weather" so I can go back to bed and have a snooze instead

Hugs all

Cracked

I can see myself tucked in and fast asleep
Looking all peaceful but in my dreams I weep
From far up I'm looking down upon myself
And I wonder who it is that's lying there

I feel like in a world all beside myself
Afraid I won't wake up with no one there to care

I know someone used to watch me in my sleep
But some things seem just impossible to keep
I fight hard to bring it back into my mind
But to no use, it all seems to be a blank

I wonder what it was that had me defined
But one thing I know, I have myself to thank

I feel like I have amnesia
But I know it's myself I've lost
I wonder what's happened so far
And what might have been the cost

I'm not sure I want to know
Any of the things I've done
I don't know yet where to go
But I'll accept my past is gone

I feel like I have amnesia
And I've missed the heavenly host
I'm surprised I've come this far
Living without what I need most

I don't think I can go back
To the things that were before
Though I'm now always wearing black
I don't bemoan my life of yore

I wake up and feel like I should be at home
But I do not know this, it's not where I belong
My head is dazed and my mind is all confused
And I'm not quite sure that I'm really there

But the mirror shows me looking out, bemused
Into a blank place that could be anywhere

I feel like I have been left out in the cold
And it hurts to know that this is all my fault
I leave this place to find familiar ground
But the whole world seems to have been rearranged

Now my former self is nowhere to be found
And I know that it's myself that's changed

(Mind.in.a.box - Amnesia)

Forest credit, When can you end up paying forest tax.
If you have used a bit of forest not following regulations then a tariff can be put on the product in the country who's regulation you are going against to protect the very forest you are trying to farm and encourage sustainable market use of the forest earning it's bio mass profits from organic products made from the forest and from regenerative farming in the forest plus some left aside for vertical farming offsetting of forest use.
If you want to set up a temporary plot in the forest you could pay a little forest tax and then find another plot with you phone.
Water credit.
If the product is not making sustainable use of water then again you can have a tariff aimed at trying to change that situation.
we need to get more vigilant in how our money effects positive change fossil fuels are one thing but we need to do everything proper and phase out completely plundering.
Ocean tax based on the likelihood of something damaging the ocean.
Also rather than just extra charges some efforts obviously are rewarded making better approaches more viable and cheaper.

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Im at this point;
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I came from nothing; I came from a family system that was trying to get rid of me from the day I was born and doing absolutely nothing for me or to help me...
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THey made sure I would never get any help or attention for my schooling.. and for the rest of my life.
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By the time Im in 5th grade; they will erase all information about me; including the house and street and neighborhood I came from..
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I am completely thrown away and discarded and erased; No trace of my existence in my home town; Nothing.
I will go through numerous horrors and bad things much worse; from that day on...
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HERE I AM NOW;
So; IVe always felt like a throw away from general society and that I didnt fit in anywhere or come from anything or have an identity associated with society of any kind. I felt worthless and a nothing in this society...
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The hurt and trauma of being thrown away over n over into nothingness; I ended up trauma bonded to everything and thought myself worthless and warped and didnt care anymore about anything; I had lost everything; was not connected to anything anymore; nothing...
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So; Here I am now;
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The question is; if I go out into society; who am I? how do I feel good about myself? What story do i use when speaking or associating with others; What people do I associate with; where do I find them; who are; who are they not?
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Im so worried about being accepted that Im never myself...
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My goal is to feel good about myself where Im at in society and have purpose on society... and go toward that purpose... regardless of my background. Lot more work on my background; processing; will be needed; I have lots of past trauma being thrown away over n over n over... Where Im insecure and I have no one.
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This wont be easy... In fact; Ill have to work with God on all of this..
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So;
Here are my general goals and one new goal.
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1. Girlfriend
2. Car
3. Feeling good about myself with a purpose in society; feeling great and fine in society... Successful; feeling confident and successful; on the right track in life... Not worrying about what others think... Feeling good about myself internally.
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From a long time ago; No one was looking out for me; I just thought they were;
NOTE: Older brother was a Sociopath; numerous times he would invite me to others houses or places or to do things; Nothing was sincere.. I would end up in places that were dead ends; I would end up at peoples houses that did not want me at their homes and never invited me; my brother lied... and he hung around others that lied. I didnt realize what I was getting pulled into.. Many times I was get destroyed being in these places he falsely led me on believing I was invited to... it was always a trap basically... Accept I never really saw it until much later. I didnt understand; this was a sociopath who felt nothing for me or anyone else. If he invited me somewhere that wasnt safe; he took no responsibility for it. He just said what ever he wanted to feel or say at that moment regardless of the consequences to me or anyone else. And many times I found myself in very bad situations or with people who didnt understand how or why they were meeting me; I was a stranger...
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Im mad I never saw this... I wish I had never gone with him on most of these lied excursions.
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Ill take it to God.. And it always sounded like he was on my side and an opportunity had shown up and he was trying to innocently help me out... He wasnt trying to help anyone with anything; He was a sociopath...
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So Im learning that half the trouble I got into came from listening to this lying sociopath... He was deceptive with no concious; so no indication anything was wrong when he would invite me somewhere..
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I thought he was on my side; He was not... How could he be... He was on no ones side.
The key would have been for me to get my own life together. I dont know how that could...

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