I lost and alone again... I don't have anyone

Last blog of Limbo Land; Installment 40. Ill be moving on from LIMBO LAND from now on. Ill still be in the later stages of limbo land as I slow move from the desert to the greenery of upswelling lands as I move toward civilization and mountain ranges and such; Im now officially coming out of the desert back to land again...
This process of limbo land presented itself when a Paradigm shift occurred 2 months ago; sent me into the desert bi ways of Limbo Land; a place for processing what this paradigm shift meant to me. IVe now gained some direction on different fronts and Ill be re entering land at some point; meaning habitational land in my fictitious world.
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Im getting better; but not better yet; does that make sense; Im not better; but Ive gotten better; Im now best; but Im OK.
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So;
This is the last blog of the Installment series; Im moving on naturally.
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Im accomplishing goal setting inner concepts.
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Relationships;
Yes; Its starting to spill over in the next natural direction; relationships with others.
My higher power has seen to bring along side me; people of my interest and nature; friends of different sorts; not to many but the right ones that the universe can be said to have supplied exactly what I asked for.
So; its showing up.
Will the universe bring the right women to me; All ready happened; Theyve should up; The universe showing me the universe can bring them anytime I want them.
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However, because Im in the recovery process Im never getting someone to date; that is because the universe does not want me to find people for relationships at the meetings I attend; thats all it means;
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So; when Im ready; it will be in the community; what ever that means; we wills see; when Im feeling better about being in the community and less ruptured.

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Losing weight; its begun I think; I can feel it; the universe is starting to show up and answer questions for me concerning weight loss and how to go about it within this stage of my life. We will see; but answers are showing up; thus; I know the universe is trying to creep in and help me because Im showing up and its time.
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Ive been more social at meetings; less hiding. I can feel it; Im not present yet from the rupturing but Im better; its about a time period I will soon move into being more present and less destroyed; but that is up to the work God presents me with; the therapeutic work.
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Fear/Terror; real death life fear; Not everyone understand this; or the deep heaviness of death fear…
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I have a long way to go.
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I must develop as I was developing as a kid; but when developing now; with all new environment.
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MUSIC;
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SO; an ongoing survey of music production; Right now its about creating composition; one specifically; In fact; I want to create 2; but thats not how it happens. Ill have to create one; Then perform it; once done; Ill have to get my Jimmy’s up to create a second one and perform that; if that is what I want to do, Or; that is what I want.
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All things take work and the guidance of the universe and support. Lots n lots n lots of support; from all over the place.
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Where am I now!
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Im working on the steps or beginning stages of the creation process; I call them platforms; Im imagining walking from one platform to another to another to another.
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So; Im creating and strengthening steps in my head concerning my goal; getting to my goal; Im also taking action with the piano; sitting down playing the piano in different free playing ways; allowing the creation process to begin. And all of this fires the desires to take things further; and I do slowly;
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However, its all about getting to know the plans the goals the pre steps in the plans; Getting to know the steps or ( platforms) Im working to and chronologically working from. 1 step(platform) 2nd step(platform); an...

[ Continued ]

In my mind I have " it's that time of the year again" kind of feeling. Since late last month, I've noticed how ladybugs have been becoming more apparent not just in getting inside the house but also around the college, with an unfortunate number being around the front of the doors of A-wing.

Most of my gripe is turned toward my mother, but there’s blame enough for everyone. I would also like to take a moment to praise her for taking on the responsibility of raising me. She made sure I was clothed, fed, and educated. She once bought me a limousine ride for a birthday. She paid for my martial arts lessons that kept me from falling into a deeper pit than I might have. A lot of times we ate dinner as a family, I always cherished those times as very special, and she deserves praise for that.

When I was 5 my parents divorced. I don’t have many memories of my parents before then. I remember the basement flooding and watching my dad wade around in it. I remember playing with Light-Brite and my parents laughing at something I said or was on TV and chuckling because I didn’t understand what was so darned funny. I remember seeing fish my Dad caught in the sink. I don’t recall any turmoil except when I witnessed an argument my parents having. I don’t recall any words, but I remember my dad throwing his coffee mug and it breaking. I remember running up the stairs and being afraid I’d be in trouble for listening in.

My life was sort of a Grimm’s Fairy tale when I was living with both my parents. There was a façade of whimsy and fun, but there was a darkness always at the edges that you couldn’t really put your finger on. I look back on that part of my life as one where I was most carefree and happy, but I know there were things that weren’t right. I don’t have a lot of memories with my dad and mom together. I remember being alone a lot.

When the day came to separate I remember them asking me who I wanted to live with, and I said mom because she is living with gramma and I want to be with her too. My mother asserts that this is a false memory. That could be true, but she’s claimed other memories of mine were false when they put her in a bad light, only later come to find videos corroborating my testimony.

So began the start of a three-year period of my life where I live with my mom, gramma, uncle Rodney, his wife, and son.

It’s sortof like my dad just kindof winked out of my life. No, he didn’t disappear; he was present but never truly there. He would ALWAYS be there for my special occasions, and would take me to the movies or the park fairly regularly. Often we would go to his mother’s house and we would play cards.

Even though he always made an effort to be in my life he never really made an attempt to be part of my life. Which, as a child, I didn’t expect anything different. From a very early age I remember thinking, ‘ it is my job to make my parent’s life easier by being as unobtrusive as possible.’ Even though my dad was kind and funny, most of the time he was very inward-looking and pensive. I never really talked about myself, because he never talked about himself, and he never tried to get me to talk about myself. Whenever we went anywhere no matter how long the drive we rarely spoke a word to each other.


Whenever I was part of something special: play, concert, or graduation dad would always come to see me. I remember feeling guilty for making him drive out all that way. I felt like he was fulfilling obligations even though he was always very supportive and kind. He rarely spoke to anyone very long and left as soon as he politely could. I felt like such a worthless daughter that I couldn’t make him more comfortable.

As I got older I started to notice how he almost never tried to call me. And it became harder and harder to communicate with him.

My father died from complication of lymphoma when I was 23.

I have a lot of guilt attached to our relationship. I feel like the distance between us was my fault. He used to take me fishing quite a bit. As I got older I became very frustrated and angry and the last fishing trip he took me on I had a $!*ty attitude for no reason. He got pretty fed up with me and never took me fishing again.

My mom and grandmother always found their reasons for being in the acceptance of...

[ Continued ]

9 days sober
RR100%

Have quite low mood and energy this evening. Have to remember that moods change, sometimes you're in a good mood or bad mood and it's not always for logical reasons. I think I found yesterday at work very trying and today there is a sort of hangover from that. The most important thing is though to stay sober and I have managed that today which seemed easy (to stay sober) but it's important to remember that a sober day vs a not sober day is a massive deal so a big pat on the back to myself for staying sober today.

As part of my 30 mins recovery work today I'm going to watch some sexual addiction recovery videos on youtube and do some reading on this topic.