Holy Week - the week in the Christian calendar culminating with the Easter weekend - has led me to thinking this year about how the life of Jesus relates to Narcissism/NPD. I have a beloved partner with NPD and he is a born-again Christian, his faith matters to him as mine does to me. For this week, I will be taking the chronological events of the last week of Jesus's humanity from the Amplified translation of the Bible and putting down some ponderings 'n' songs or prayers of relevance. There will be a link to copy/paste at the end of each passage of Scripture if you want to look at it in context. I hope you enjoy these Holy Week devotionals, may you be blessed by what you find here, thanks .

[12] And Jesus went into the temple (whole temple enclosure) and drove out all who bought and sold in the sacred place, and He turned over the four-footed tables of the money changers and the chairs of those who sold doves. [13] He said to them, The Scripture says, My house shall be called a house of prayer; but you have made it a den of robbers. [14] And the blind and the lame came to Him in the porches and courts of the temple, and He cured them.
[15] But when the chief priests and the scribes saw the wonderful things that He did and the boys and the girls and the youths and the maidens crying out in the porches and courts of the temple, Hosanna (O be propitious, graciously inclined) to the Son of David! they were indignant. [16] And they said to Him, Do You hear what these are saying? And Jesus replied to them, Yes; have you never read, 'Out of the mouths of babes and unweaned infants You have made (provided) perfect praise'? [17] And leaving them, He departed from the city and went out to Bethany and lodged there. MATTHEW 21:12-17 (Amp)
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+21&version=AMP;NIV

Jesus was both fully human and fully God and began His ministry three years before this week at the age of 30. The day before, He had ridden into Jerusalem on a donkey colt to throngs of people hailing Him as King - there was a buzz in the city because He'd been teaching and performing miracles and had a reputation as a powerful man, a liberator, a revolutionary prophet of God. Some people found Him gentle and loving, others found Him to be a hard rock they crashed into but everybody had heard of Him and everybody had an opinion, he was famous. The Narcissist in my life is a public figure, crowds of fans think he's awesome but sometimes those who spend time with him come a cropper because he has narcissistic rages when his defences rise up and he attacks the offender with harsh words and spiteful, disdainful behaviors. This incident of 'table tipping' gets cited to me often as my partner's justification for being 'assertive' and strong-tongued when he has a rage. There are flaws to his argument however...

The money changers & merchants knew full well that they were being profane in a sacred space. They were changing Roman coins into Jewish ones for people to pay the Temple taxes and dealing in animals to be offered for the sacrifices, they knew that the Scripture Jesus quoted completely convicted them of their crime. So Jesus drove them away with justification and trashed their market place because they'd done something very wrong - they would likely have been corrupt at their job too. Narcissistic rage is not as logically explained as 'telling someone off for something they've done wrong'. The reason behind N rage is often hidden from the target and whereas Jesus was defending God's house of prayer as a righteous thing that everyone would benefit from, N rage is a personal attack that is destructive in delivery and outcome. People were not afraid of Jesus after the ruckus, the weak and needy came to him for help immediately afterwards and He did indeed heal and love and release people from what ailed them....

[ Continued ]

So the cheery mood is mostly gone.

When I woke up this morning it was a drag. Stupid thing is, that because of the couple of good days I just had, I only became more aware of all the things that have been wrong in the past.

Memories seem to be on a battlefield all together, fighting about who can pop up first to taunt me and haunt me. Scary thing with this is that the memories of things I sort of forgot about win these battles.

So in short since yesterday evening I've been overthrown with forgotten memories and most of them are nasty. A lot of the memories are sort of in-depth memories of the fact-memories. With this I mean for instance: I knew I was sexually abused and with what actions, but didn't really remember the actual moments and how that went. And it scares me, because with these memories popping up I realise that some things were more horrible than I (wanted to) remember.

Other memories are things I flat out had forgotten about at all. A few of these I will write down here, so I cannot ignore them. I need to remember these memories so I can deal with them as well.

I cannot put them in a spoiler for possible triggers, so be aware that they might trigger:

- I've seen my dad kill in front of me. The whole scene, setting and atmosphere is very vivid.
- I've been raped by my dad. The one sexual act I thought that never happend, did happen
- i've been kicked out of the house to live / sleep on the streets multiple times, facing some horrific things during nighttimes, at a very young age (6-10)
- i've had a near death experience age 10, while in the driver's seat of the car, next to my drunk dad who raced over the road, then he passed out, and I had to get the car safely to stop. Imagen how a 10-year old kid has to do that... It was 100% thinking on my feet, 99% luck and 1% skill that we both survived that.
- getting my drunk and violent dad out of hostile pubs in really bad neighbourhoods. Things that happend then... nah.

Anyways. i was really feeling good for a few days. So I will hold on to that because it's an incentive that all is not lost, that I still have it in me to be ok with myself and things around me in present time. But for the moment I'm just really glad that I'm going to my psych again this monday so I can vent.

Thanks for reading.

Every time I try to get comfortable! someone destroys it by taking over; bulling! However, I was trying to be comfortable without muscle! meaning, Im going to a meeting; an open meeting somewhere with drug addicts! Maybe it was the 7th grade with worthless teachers and bullies! or the 6th grade with worthless teachers and a worthless school system! Maybe it was a horrible job situation! the 99th horrible waist of my time at a useless stupid job of no value!

Or, I was in another useless waisted town; I knew no one! did not have any direction!

or a waisted experience with false relatives who abused me or used me or and then throw me away!

or worthless useless parents that did the same! or false friends pretending to be real!

useless 2 faced women; over n over n over! so worthless are they; I wont get within 100 feet of them!

So; where do I go!

Where do I call home!

Ive dealt with the dead! and I know many intelligent good people; sophisticated people; they are dead now!
A useless judicial system! A useless police department!

Where is home!

Where can I go that is safe!

Why cant I find a home; a place!

Ive know many people that have killed themselves because everything and everyone is corrupt! and they had no money or direction because they live in a time of sadness; meaning their country is worthless and its people the same! Not really the peoples fault; they are reacting as well!

The point; Im not going to drug myself over it or kill myself over it! Ive dealt with the dead! they have assured me! Im not one of them! that is not my answer! but what is!

I have God; I have to work harder at attracting success! What does it mean! where is a safe place!

Even in the public parks; I could not be myself! the cops were called! I was hanging out at different times of the day and at night before the park closed! I understand! but I was doing nothing wrong! I live here! its my country! but after the cops game; it was never the same! I never wanted to go back! to much authority!

Everywhere I go its authority!

Im not sure whats left!

I know this! Im spinning my wheels, over n over n over and Im just being taken advantage of in every direction! that is all that is happening!

Ive known intelligent people who have killed themselves! no one cared! no one even mentions it! I care! I miss them! God knows this! no one on earth cares! The bad are running everything! the good have to kill themselves! Im not going to! so now what! where do I go!

Where do I go! where do I go! where is my freedom!

I have to work with God to understand what Im doing on this planet! what is the point! where is my freedom!

I am a victim in all of this!

I thought I would have a father that would help me and protect me when young! I was wrong; he was lying! he was no father, he was a treacherous betrayer and nothing more! a predator!

I go to allot of 12 step meetings with drug addicts! Why do I find it strange when a number of the criminal based drug addicts attempt to take over the meetings! These are addicts not using drugs anymore; not in prisons anymore! why do I try to get used to a place that is unsafe! and its proven unsafe! and yet, I will allow myself to get used to it believing its safe; then get smashed by a violation of someone taking away my rights! or trying to inderectly intimidate me! I saw to myself that this is wrong! I wont stand for this! Then why am I their! is this not their meeting! Im their because I used drugs at one time and Im looking for recovery! but why do I think its safe! I just need it to be safe! did I not do this same behavior when young with everything and everyone around me! I trying to make bad people into good people when they were bad! did I not attempt to make unsafe places into good places when they were unsafe! nothing changed in them! why am I making them out to be safe! ...

[ Continued ]

My baby fever is acting up again, but unfortunately I'm not even old enough to legally drop out of school, nonetheless have a baby. It's such a shame, too. I really want one. I need a plan.

I am really sick of these people in my head so I will just talk about the history and education required to be me and me only. The voices are all upgrading into my identity for some reason and playing head games on me. So first of all I will tell you how the game is played properly. When a black female is the best 100 meter dash runner across the world, then all of us females are instantly under her foot being called jack#### losers compared to her. We then have to wear her face on our failure faces permanently. We are all then turned into her and called prostitutes compared to herself. Do you see anything wrong with turning my face into a blonde females face without her roasting anyone at the 100 meter dash. I see something wrong with the loser playing the game backwards for 2017 years by putting her failure face on the females face that roasted her sorry ###. I am pissed that this was done to me starting 12 years ago and that I never defeated black females at the 100 meter dash before. The blondes destroyed every females chance at racing the 100 meter dash against black females every chance they get because they don't want the truth to come out so she would be forced not to control the world to live backwards any longer.