Ok recently in the past week I have Just started thinking and thinking about negative thoughts. Not having impulses to follow on them. All things from suicide and not being alive or my mother not being alive. Last week I have not ever felt sucidal or wanting to take my life but these past few days I have actually felt weak and lost appetite. I tell myself over and over that I can beat this and will get better. My mother thinks I am just over-thinking because I usually do but I do not know if its anxiety or anything. It has just started like this maybe 3-4 days ago. The negative thoughts make me feel sad. And even last night while watching a funny tv show a joke was made about a prison convict killing his mother. That made me think really negatively and feel sad because the thought came up of that. I haven't ever experienced this before in my life. I don't have impulses to do any of the scary thoughts they scare me and I want them to stop.

When I play basketball or something else I do not think as much and feel better.

First of all I would like to apologize because this is going to be really long so I would like to say I really appreciate you reading this till the end and trying to help.

Since november I have been having flashbacks and thoughts of everything I have done wrong in my life, and now that I think about it those things are absolutely horrible.

To start with typical things normal people would have heard of before, I've done things like cheating on boyfriends, lying to parents, sneaking out etc... I lost my virginity at 15 years old with a 21 year old guy and also had sex with a 28 year old who lied to me about his age, which disgusts me when I thought about it.

Now more weird things, as a kid, I would always lie. I would like about everything. I would lie about having cancer, about having relationships with celebrities ( I would even make fake accounts and catfish people) , about being anorexic, i even catfished a real person in real life to show people and pretend he was flirting with me. I lied about having a brother that died, about people I knew, places I went to etc... I don't know why, can anyone help me figure out why I would like so much?

Now the darkest part is sexual. As a child I remember making my dog eat me out. Of course at that time I didn't really know what i was doing but now i see it's bestiality and I can't get over what I did. Likewise, I've been recalling sexual games I would play as a kid which really mess with my mind. I remember licking my cousins' vagina because she said she wanted me to. I also remenber pretending to be asleep while my cousins and sisters licked my breasts because I liked the feeling of it. Is this sexual abuse? Also, I remember once i asked my sister to touch me down there and my dad walked in the room before she did and stopped us. I don't know what to do about this because everytime I see my sister all i think about is if i sexually abused her and why I would do something like that with her.

So when recalling all those wrong things I have been really bad anxiety since and I'm not too sure what's happening. Along with his comes thoughts I don't want to have that I just can't stop. I keep on thinking in my head that I have been raped and my body feels so unsafe even though I know it isnt true, the feeling is still there. I get thoughts about harming people and myself all of the time, I get thoughts about violence and sexual stuff, and i don't know why. I have read online that this might be OCD which could make sense as I recall having weird 'if i don't do this then this will happen" things as a child. For example:

" If i don't run down the corridor in less than 10 seconds then my mum will die in the future"

a lot of games like that in my head that I see now might have been the start of this.

I just do not understand at all what is going on in my head right now and why these thoughts don't stop. I can't figure out if i have been raped or if it's my imagination playing with me because i have no memory and i have been to the extent of asking family members who said no and gave me support. I can't figure out why i started thinking about all my mistakes all of a sudden. Please help me figure out whats happening?

Hi again,

I have been thinking a lot today about why I am the way I am. I'm not really sure, Ive had a couple bad experiences but no where near the level traumaticness that some of you have gone through. I'm so sorry to all of you that have been hurt! Things I have experienced are no where near as bad as what other people have been through. I feel like a fraud! Like I have no right to be on here moaning.

Now I'm out of things to say, I feel like I should be writting stuff about my self, but When it comes to it I cant. Maybe that means I'm not ready to share, its just when I read other people's blogs and I see how strong they have been, oh I don't know, anyways laters.

Katrina x

Doing this has lead to useless wasps that wait for your assistance and can't seem to find the open window. What I did just now was tap the window every time it tried to to get out where it couldn't and showed it my hand the other side coming out from the open window. The wasp eventually gave up and went out the exit. If wasps can learn this issue not to buzz around the window and leave on their own accord then such a big human effort could lead to more practical wasps.

I KNOW what regulates my mood, its the fact if I worked on my thesis or not
worked on my thesis: I was exaggerating when I felt bad, everything is sunny, I am able to live a normal life like everybody else, I can do it, I am so thankful, family will be proud
didnt work on my thesis: I am lazy I am terrible and ungrateful, I will never change, my life will never change, I will end as an homeless person, nobody loves me, I hate myself etc etc.

I finally know that my way of thinking is wrong; Its not that I now believe this self help #######4 crap (it depends on my mood) but I know what triggers my mood.
BUT WHY DON'T I DO ANYTHING FOR MY THESIS THEN?!
I wanted to be the thinnest when I had anorexia. They say people who are cured from anorexia have more self discipline because they are more competitive or something. Well, I am competitive, when I read how someone spends her whole day on studying I think
"I want to do that too. I want to be the one that studies the most".
But like today, when I already did other things like browsing the internet, I've got the feeling I can't concentrate anyway. So then I think "Tomorrow I'll start with my strict regime"
And of course I will not do it. I was so desperate, I wanted to punish myself for being so lazy. I always read here "blahblah its soo relievinng blahblah" so I grabbed a kitchen knife and tried to cut myself. But it just...didnt work. I scratched myself but SOMETHING prevented me from cutting deeper. I think it was the thought about my family. And then I got frustrated, cleaned the knife and said to myself "I can never be the best at cutting. So then I shouldnt do it at all". And I guess that was a wise decision. But now, I am still back at the beginning. There was a short moment of self-discipline, and I lost it almost right away. I have to focus on it, I know that. But its so hard. AAaaahhh why am I talking about "something thats hard" when theres war and homeless people and....NO!!!!!!!!! STOP!!!!!!!!!!! Well I think I am not going to think anything right now, before it gets more and more depressive. At such moments, I need to clear my mind. But I hate these ######6 meditations. NOTHING happens when I try them. Yes, I almost fall asleep, thats all. Ugh. I cannot hear the words "Imagine you're in a quiet place...." anymore. Well, I know something that empties my mind. MUSIC. Thank the lord for music.