alright well i am new to this and its a little uncomfortable to me but... i like blood and girls to put it simply. i hope that doesn't cross the line. I know this will be moderated so please tell me if it was too far. anyway... since i was 10 or 11 i've had an attraction to girls 7 to 11. and since... 7th grade ive liked blood and it makes me curious. i came here because i don't feel very open, i don't know if its because im not open much or if theres someone specifically i need to tell. I have a wonderful girlfriend (proper age) and she knows about my... issues. i started to write in a journal to understand myself and i worry about my family finding it. i think that sums me up in part.

Some of my problems made it hard for me to know who i really am. so i'm trying to write some of that here. All of me is me.

i like being creative... i like doing art & writing/playing music... mostly to express my own feelings. i have a wild imagination and find fantasy & escapism fun cause i want to feel free. but am also quite down to earth about stuff. i have always been able to bring feelings out through my music even when i couldn't make sense of them myself. i like reading poetry people write on this site but i dont write much cause its not something i find that easy! i like being creative in all sorts of ways.

on one hand i'm outgoing and have a big "don't give a ###$ and i will try anything once attitude" with the world, *as a person* i don't care what most people think of me, but with letting people get to know me and get close i'm actually very shy. lol i do feel "paranoid" about people in general, but not in a psychotic sense, i just feel hostile like if a dog bites you you don't like dogs. i just dont feel at ease with people, in that sense inside im just still like a little kid who has been treated badly. i'm not afraid to admit i am afraid to those who im close to, but i find it hard to *be* afraid/vulnerable cause of some of my problems. it makes me into a very bitey dog myself at times lol.

when healthy i do stuff like yoga/meditation and martial arts - it also helps with my mental health and my fitness. i can relate to an idea of "spirituality", but to me that is more about inner peace, not magic. i like animals but i will also eat anything. when i say i can relate to animals more than people, animals can just be, they just exist. they dont have silly social norms. i have often felt that way too. also, i got empathy for animals before i got it for people lol.

there are things empathy has taught me, and apart from if i acted how i felt all the time i would be locked up by now, i have learned lots of (healthy & unhealthy ways) of controlling myself. so i often try to be calm and do the right thing (THIS is more what that spirituality thing is about to me - inner calm,) but inside i am very firey. i can let that out and let my hair down at times. this makes people think i am crazy and going manic when things get too much for me, cause i tend to kick out like hell when that happens, especially with the negative coping mechanisms i used to have (which are negative and i have to keep an eye on.), but it really isn't like mania. it is pain, not that sort of "craziness".

in some ways i am sensitive. things can set me off and i get very upset. i didn't use to have a conscience cause my parents ###$ me up, and i struggle with the devils sitting on my shoulder lol but i am not cold and empty. i am still a bit ###$ up, but i am not going to pathologise every single thing about me.

when im healthy i like being active, like going to the gym, doing my sport, doing challenging/dangerous stuff, call it thrill-seeking behaviour if you like but its hurting no one. as well as being adventurous i can be homely too, i'm also happy curled up on a rug in front of the fire as long as i'm not chained to it. i like talking about feeling and meaning too, i like thinking and coming up with ideas, as well as doing stuff. i like to think for myself, not just blindly believe what im told.

i know the world has no meaning, but i am at peace with that too. i know it can have meaning for me.

i'm passionate underneath it all. i want to love and be loved, but all my life i have not known how, so instead i idealised "love" that i didn't even know how to feel. i have a softer side, its just harder to get at. i can care, but i also have a lot of pain and anger inside. no one is all one thing or another.

in so many ways i am still learning who i am, but i don't feel like i need to know in the same way any more. i am happy just to find out as i go. i don't want to be stuck in mental...

[ Continued ]

Just thinking of all that I’m letting my ex get away with when it comes to him putting his hands on me. I suppose I’m lucky in a way that he’s been completely respectful of boundaries and only touching me in the places I grant him permission to. But honestly, if he ever decided to get daring and step out of those boundaries, I’m not so sure I would object, short him cupping a feel of my breasts and nether regions. But he used to put his hands on other personal places like running his fingers through my hair, massaging my shoulders, playing my navel piercing or feeling my legs. As odd as those quirks of his might’ve been, I actually kind of miss them. If he were to try doing them again, I’d likely enjoy them as much as ever because I guess I just love him touching me that much. But not so much that I would let him touch me in my most personal areas. I don’t ever see him asking permission to do any of those things out of fear of rejection (perhaps he may think it out of line to even ask) and he probably wouldn’t ask anyway because that’s how much of a nice guy he is. And I don’t want to offer up him doing those things to me again because how will that look after all I’ve said about wanting to keep things platonic? I almost want to say I’m hoping he does push his luck with doing those things again. But even so, should I allow it? Would that be treading into romantic territory and stir up drama I positively do not want? Maybe I should count my blessings that I’m able to have this unlikely close relationship between exes in the first place.

I am watching An Idiot Abroad 2 and they are making Karl Pilkington do things off a bucket list. So I was thinking what would be on my bucket list and have narrowed it down to 10 things I would like to do. I have been lucky enough to do a lot in my life any how but these are some more things I would like to achieve.

1. Travel round Namibia taking photos on an overland truck
2. Live in Cape Town and Toronto
3. Own a cottage in cottage country, Ontario and a little boat
4. Sail round the UK
5. Visit South America
6. Work for an overland company as a tour guide in Africa
7. Win the lottery and take my family on holiday
8. Visit the West Indies
9. Work for Medicin Sans Frontiers
10. Learn to fly a plane and be a jumbo jet pilot

Hugs to all

Cracked

Hi All

I am building the mother of all playlists in youtube. I deleted my other ones as they were rubbish but this one so far is brilliant.

I am on the lookout for songs to add to it. If you can think of any you like please post a youtube link to them in comments for this blog. I will then screen them and see if they are any good if they are I will add them to my list

Thanks guys

Hugs

Cracked