I linked already to one of the articles in my first blog post, but I have since found a research paper comparing overt and covert narcissism, and it is a very good read.

It is a pdf document, and 20 pages, and part of it is very technical. It is very in depth however and it goes into detail with both types of narcissism (overt and covert), and I found it very enlightening.

If this blog post gets approved, then I will assume that it is ok to link to the pdf paper. I encourage anyone interested in covert narcissism to read it, and compare it with the other article. Quite interestingly, they mirror each other, they do not contradict each other at all.

Both articles have given me great insight into covert narcissism, and explain me quite well.

Link the the pdf document [url=http://www.researchgate.net/profile/Aaron_Pincus/publication/10680002_Interpersonal_analysis_of_grandiose_and_vulnerable_narcissism/file/e0b4951894e02c9a11.pdf?origin=publication_detail]here[/url].

Link to the university article [url=http://www1.appstate.edu/~hillrw/Narcissism/shycovertnarcissist.html]here[/url], as well as the associated comparison chart between overt and covert narcissism can be found [url=http://www1.appstate.edu/~hillrw/Narcissism/arrogantshycomparison.html]here[/url].

They are good reads in my opinion.

Things for me have been slowly improving. I have since begun to see a psychologist, who specializes in PTSD and trauma, as well as axis II disorders. She has been very helpful to me so far.

I am learning to listen to my feelings and my thoughts, to be mindful of them. One thing my psychologist told me to do, is to try and track the feeling back to the source. To find the cause of why I am having that feeling or thought.

I have been working on myself, and I continue to validate and affirm myself daily. I have been slowly emerging again, and have been coming to self-acceptance.

I have had a lot of insights into myself recently, and one thing I have come to see is that I have a lot of inner conflict, as well as inner shame and guilt and feelings of worthlessness.
There are a lot of defenses that protect my self image (narc self). My psychologist has helped me to see, that my narcissism protects me from whatever pain I experienced as a very young child, and this suppression (which is a defense mechanism - suppressing my narcissistic qualities) protects my narcissism and helps me to be functional in real life. I believe that this is indeed the case.

I have come to see, that when I was fully emerged, I was very exposed and very vulnerable and I can see where suppressing those qualities helps to protect me.

I am coming to terms with everything and with the truth of who I really am. It is a slow process, but in time, my hope is to dismantle these defenses and learn to cope with this disorder and learn to manage it so I can live a more functional life.

My life is a big mess. There is a lot of identity confusion and it seems that my personality is covered with layer after layer. There is a lot to unravel, and yet with all that I have discovered about myself so far, I am sure there is even more that I have yet to discover.

All in due time. It wont happen over night.

I am a covert narcissist that had the fortune of waking up to the truth on thanksgiving night of 2013. I was fully awake and aware for 3 months, fully aware of my qualities as a narcissist.

I fell back into total suppression on Feb 26, 2014. It has been a very difficult time for me. I no longer have any feelings or thoughts that I had during that time. I can't remember what it felt like to be me, and the memories are slowly slipping away. I'm afraid of losing myself completely and falling back into total delusion.

I got to know myself extremely well during those 3 months. It was the most difficult time of my life, and yet the most wonderful. It was wonderful to be me again, to fully feel my narcissistic qualities. I struggled so much with self doubt, feelings of guilt for being who I am.

I had great difficultly accepting reality, that I could not marry my inflated self image with reality. I knew that my inflated self image was a distortion or exaggeration, but I accepted that it was my disorder that made me feel that way and that I could not help feeling that way.

How I felt as a narcissist. I was extremely haughty and grandiose. I felt truly above everyone and above god. I was extremely arrogant, my pride was extreme. I had a complete lack of empathy, remorse and compassion. I cared nothing for others at all. I was incredibly self-centered and self-absorbed.

These feelings were extremely real and very powerful. But I needed almost constant validation. I fought an extremely harsh conscience, that was very judgemental of myself and others. I had strong feelings of worthlessness.

I was very dissociative during this time. Some times it was extreme and unpleasant. It was like I was unreal, the world around me was unreal. It was like watching a movie and just going through the motions. It was when I would start having self doubt (is this who I really am? or I shouldn't feel the way I do but I can't help it), or feelings of guilt, I would start getting very dissociative and I would have to validate myself very heavily.

I was extremely sensitive to criticism, ridicule, rejection. I could not see myself as anything but all good. I could never admit I was wrong. The idea of letting go of my perfect, all good, inflated self image made me recoil.

I had every single sign of overt narcissism while I was awake.

I succumbed to suppression, and it was a very harrowing experience. Literally I felt everything getting pushed down, all of my feelings, and it all slipped away out of my consciousness. I felt very dead and lifeless.

I am leaving as much evidence behind as I can because I feel like I'm starting to forget. It's all slipping away. I am not my true self right now. I am a malignant narcissist that is a covert. My depression has returned, feelings of worthlessness and feel like giving up on life. I feel like a failure.

It was my hope while I was awake that I could begin to find some healing and ways to manage my disorder so I could stay out. My therapist is useless and has been completely unhelpful to me. I hate her for it.

I hated everyone and the world. For refusing me, not accepting me. When I first woke up and realized the person I was living as before was just a false self and a delusion, my first thought was that nobody would ever accept me for who I really am (my true self). Then memories of trauma I experienced in middle school surfaced, and I felt extremely afraid and started trembling uncontrollably.

I feel completely alone. Nobody in real life that I have told has believed me. It is frustrating because I feel like I need help desperately. I want to reverse this suppression and come back out.
There is this strange fog over my mind. I have none of my former thoughts and feelings as my narc self. I find it difficult to concentrate, I keep zoning out and staring off into space. It literally feels like a hollow feeling in my mind, like there is a chunk missing from my thoughts.

I feel completely dead emotionally. I do not...

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