Today seems to be a really crappy one in my head.it so wierd as at a lot of other points over these last days ive been thinkin how im sure my head is feeling so much better than it was some months ago, bt then I dnt get this coz literally 20 mins ago I was in the bathroom and I looked in the mirror thinking how I despise myself so much, how I shouldnt be here coz im just so pathetic- why do I still feel like I do,i feel so old,so fed up,so past all this now. I hate that one minute I start to feel like things in my head are clearing a lot,and then just like that, bam...my mind has been filled with stupid, pathetic, moanin, wingy, lonely etc.. thoughts. And I know that within some hours il wonder why I felt like this and wil feel better...bt I dnt care, im so fed up of being me,having my mind,of who I was,things ive did. I wish I could eliminate this part of me,saying that that would probably be most of me!:-( Im thinking I might be feeling like this as all I seem to be doing is arguing with people at the mo. I know that I play some part but seriously these people are convinced that they hold no responsibility. Today and yesterday I just feel like all theyre doing is trying to make me doubt myself! Maybe it is all me? Maybe ive done this to my whole life? Maybe nobody is to blame for any part of life except for me? I love my son so much,i cant leave him,i dont want him to be alone or sad...oh but I dnt want to be me anymore. I just wish I didnt have to be here just coz I am stuck. It is time of the month time at the mo as well and so I think that the emotions I get at this time really adds to the way I feel.

Inside of me feels sooo angry,ive come upstairs to chill a bit. Im sat here,and I was jst thinking how I was so angry I felt like i wanted to scratch my eyes out-obviously not but I was visioning it. Because of yesterday,ive become hypersensitive to everyones actions today.just need some alone time I think,even jst an hour.x

well its been a funny kind of day. some bits really nice and other bits....CRAP!! i hate that those crap bits seem to drown out the good bits...well im trying really hard not to let these crap bits steal the good times from me like they normally seem to do.....a big problem has come up today, ive got to remember that it may not be all my fault like a certain person seems to convince themself but i must sort it out coz its important to me.

Im telling you what i dont think there any one in the world who can upset, hurt and bring out all the negative and angry bits out of me apart from my family, i dont get how every single time it results in me feeling like i have done today and still feel now - just now on a calmer level.

This morning I felt like I may have turned a corner...now that feeling is startin to become confused... Being well=friends; not doing well=no friends...this theory makes me feel really sad and lonely, surely whether someone is well or unwell the equation should stil be the same= friends there...so why is this not the case?? I thinkin rite now that its not me that has a problem,disorder,issues..blah blah whatever whatever,i think it is everyone else that has,difference is they just dont addmit or see their faults and I do see mine!!

I HATE me....