I'm going to have to start posting more often, because a lot seems to happen in between things. I'll try to go in order.

The splitting headache went away after I started drinking again. This is a bad sign.

I'm supposed to be doing training for this new job, but I'm not. It causes me severe, painful, nauseating anxiety to even think about. And so does finding a new job or re-applying for school. This is a totally new issue/symptom, because I've lays been extremely confident doing that sort of thing - now the threat of impending "failure" is stopping me. This is bad.

The I went to a party (wow, this was almost two weeks ago) and drank like a gallon of rum, and proceeded to FLIP OUT. I ended up going to the ER, because apparently I was having a panic attack. Oh goody, a new symptom. I've never had one of those before. This is also bad. (Interestingly, this was the same time that I was in the hospital last year, which I didn't realize until later. June is apparently a bad month for me.)

(I stopped taking the Topamax, too, because clearly by itself it does nothing, at least without my other meds.)

THEN I made my "move". I'm now staying with a guy who is not exactly my boyfriend but sort of is. I'm still weirded out by our relationship, and by the move. It's very surreal because it was such a sudden change. Well, at least now I get to sleep in a bed and have privacy and get a more long-term job and not feel tied down to people and a bunch of other positive things. And sex, of course. I'll get into deets about this bizarre relationship later.

Also there was quite a bit of drama this week when he kicked out his (admittedly Borderline) roommate who was causing major stress and drama. Getting back with and breaking up with his GF repeatedly (including suicide threats), saying he'll do things and then making them difficult, seemingly oblivious lies...a classic case. At least he's diagnosed. Maybe he'll go get help. (Unlikely, it seems.)

So now it's a matter of "officially" moving out here (aka telling family and getting the rest of my stuff), but that can't happen until I get the money for the flight back and a U-haul trip. Hopefully in a month. If thinking about it doesn't give me another panic attack.

Neat, I'm gone for a week, come back to find a blog. Now ALL of us can pretend everyone gives a $4*+ about every little detail of our lives!!

Nah, I'm just going to use this to record thoughts on my would-be "treatment" because I have a seriously short memory span. If anyone's reading this...well, hello.

Two things on my mind this week: One, my Case Manager met my mother a couple weeks ago and I finally got to talk to her about it. She actually expressed SURPRISE at how negative my mother is. in other words, I haven't been exaggerating. LO AND BEHOLD I'M NOT FULL OF BS. Yeah. So it's nice to see that it's not just me. (Furthermore the CM supports my moving away, which I didn't expect, so that's also good. Time to cut the apron strings.)

Two, I got suddenly very upset one night because I realized I don't know/remember why my last relationship ended. Like, I don't know. This is seriously confusing for me. I have a very limited emotional memory clearly. So I spent a lot of this week sad and upset for something I should probably know better about, but can't for the life of me figure out why.

Also, I've had a splitting headache for literally a week now and I don't know why. I'm actually genuinely concerned there is something physically wrong with me. So how do I deal? Ignoring it.

Oh, I also started taking my topamax again. Mostly because I want to lose some weight. Good reason, huh? It's not helping my headache, clearly.

Oh, and I got a job.

Also I move to the other side of the country next week. Nobody else knows it's a "move", they think it's just a "visit". But it's a move.

Exciting life.