I've recently started re-collecting all of my NPD research, which needs to be updated over the past few years of new data.
I've started a Tumblr where I'm posting research as I discover it, organizing it by tag. I'll post it later once I've made it not look like crapola.
I may be using this blog to post my personal interpretations of stuff. We'll see how lazy I am.
...in a couple weeks. Hooray.
...but not for lack of trying.
I don't have internet at the mo. Hopefully in a month or so.
I've been wanting to post about my weird relationship, because I think the dynamic is not only relevant, but uncommon and interesting...But having a hard time describing it.
So I met this guy online, through a group I've been a part of for years - everyone is very bro there, and it's pretty common to meet IRL, so it's not a random and creepy as it sounds. (It's not like Craigslist or something.) After losing my job I actually got a lot more help and support from these people than ones I actually know...but anyway. This guy and I had sort of a flirty thing going, and he offered me a place to stay. I actually refused him quite a few times. But I gave in because, hey, why not. Better to vegetate there than on someone's couch.
Part of it amuses me, because I'm finally truly a Leech, as narcs are so often accused of...he insists I "do a lot" for him. I think he's full of it.
Anyway, this relationship is not like any other I've been in, which were all sort of modeled on the traditional template. I'm not his girlfriend, just his "something". I perform many of the same girlfriend functions. I can't decide how much of my behavior is manipulative either. I do nice things for him because it endears him to me...I do it to possess him. But it's not like I do it consciously....I don't go, "Oh, if I cook him dinner, then he'll owe me one!! Mwaahaha!" But I guess really, that's what my subconscious is doing.
Also, we're not monogamous, as you might have noticed. In general, I like this. This has had weird results with me emotionally. I keep feeling "slighted". I actually think this is more of a matter that I'm stuck at home penniless and can't go out and pick people up on my own...if I had greater independence I think it wouldn't bother me so much. (Although most recently, one girl requested that he not involve me as a third party to their activities, because she felt he payed more attention to me than to her...which is amusing, considering I was just sitting in the room and not participating.)
But the real reason this relationship is different is that (a) we pretty much don't hold back on anything we say at all, and (b) we are both extremely literal and serious people. I think I mentioned elsewhere...he's actually Autistic. I've had autistic/aspergers friends before, and I could always "just tell"...but I just figured he was, you know, very literal. So he's extremely high-functioning, I mean. He's worried he'll get on my nerves, because in the past people have complained about his "intensity", but so far I don't really notice it at all. I get what he's talking about, but...I just don't see it as an annoyance.
In relation, we also have empathetic difficulties, not understanding the normal populace and how it works. Man, he's actually WAY better at reading people than I am, I'm impressed. But we're both the same - we have to do it cognitively, we don't just "get" other people. This also has the effect that he's very blatant with what he says, there's no subtext or subtle meaning.
The point of all this is that our communication is totally unique. We say things to each other that would horrify "normies" and probably cause giant drama and emotional problems, but it's all smooth sailing between us. It's weird as hell. We both take each other literally, and it's awesome because we both know that the other person means it that way! So simple! It is SUCH a relaxing change from dealing with people.
The biggest problem for the future that I see is that he's apparently in love with me, hard. I have informed him that I not only don't love him, that I am incapable of it. So basically he doesn't believe me, I guess. I expect this to be an issue in the future.
(The other bad thing is the son of a gun is amazingly sensitive to emotions. He can tell my mood even when I think I'm giving no signals. This is foiling my usual lying behavior. Perhaps it will make me a better...
[ Continued ]
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