i'm thinking about suicide too much.
every day and at more than just one time.

at first, it was just a thought.
but then it escalated and built itself into something that is plausible.
something that you can actually do regardless of its connotations,
regardless of its consequences.
i've thought about it too often that now it seems like i can and should just do it.

the fear of it is slowly dying.
it used to scare me - thinking about taking my own life.
now, its a too much of a common thought.

how am i, a person who can't express herself that well at all, supposed to feel better? seek help?
someone who can only write it down pointlessly in formats that don't nobody will really see or look at carefully?
someone who is only left to think to herself, to depend on herself?
someone who is truly lonely?

i try.
i try to be sociable.
but why be sociably when you're just going to be judged right then and there.
i'm so sick of being ignored, of being judged just because i'm not beautiful and thin
i'm just sick of living with such unhappiness that honestly, i'm too young to be feeling
--
i've only ever really critically harmed myself upon times where i've been too intoxicated for my own good.
now i wonder, if ever i were to drink again - what would i do?
i wish i didn't have the one thing that seems to be stopping me from ending everything.
i've kind of fantasized about it actually, that when the only person i truly cannot risk breaking dies, i'd buy my first pack of cigarettes, 3 bottles of tequila, i'd get my blades and my phone.
this might be a bit ocd/materialistic but i'd go through all of my things and clean my room. i'd clear my laptop and all of my little devices and order them neatly on the desk. i'd finalise finances and close accounts and all that jazz.
i'd right a lame ass will of sorts and put that with the note of which i poured my feelings into. this note not blaming anyone at all, just saying sorry for being so weak and emotionally battered to this point - i'd try to articulate this endless abyss of ######6 depression i know i have but can't seem to seek help for.
I'd then light a cig and drink.
i'm kind of glad how when i'm overly intoxicated i can't really feel pain.

yep. it's kind of scary how vivid this fantasy is.
even more scary now that i know that it might just happen soon

I JUST HAVE NO APPEAL TO PEOPLE.
It's true.
My own relatives don't want to be around me.
I HATE BEING THIS SHY. It's not a normal shy. It's an out of the world kind of shy that has the power to make other people uncomfortable.
That's some powerful shyness.
I'm awkward as hell - I don't know how to do things with people - I don't know how you're supposed to act around strangers.
I have 'friends' but even when we're out on that rare occasion I'm always the one walking behind them. I just feel like a tag-a-long. My opinions don't matter to them. They never wait for me. I'm just there.

Friends are a tender subject for me. Human interaction and people in general.
I want someone, an equal.
I have to feel that they care about me. I can tell with people.
I can tell one first glance what they think of me - and no! it's not my imagination or my self-loathing coming into play. I'm very open if someone is nice to me upon first meeting.
I respond very well to kindness. But kindness is rare, and in this world you have to be loud.
Not necessarily obnoxious or boastful. But confident and collected.
I just find myself stuck between wanting friends and wanting to be alone because at least when I'm alone, I don't feel blatantly ignored.

On a side note I want to be more ambitious.
I want to do things; create things and finish things.
Finishing things. To be honest I never start things but even the little things I've started I haven't finished.
Disappointed in myself. Welcome to this little pity party.
What am I anyway? A mixture of everything. I just want to be one thing, one positive thing.

I want to be happy
for once

I feel like I have nobody to do anything with.

I waste my days away at home
I'm sleeping too much because there's nothing to do
There's nothing exciting where I live and even if there was, I need someone to go with

just, I wish things were better

how do you make friends?

I am just shocked at how unbelievably clueless I am at talking to people.
Better yet, I'm starting uni this year. Greattt
I honestly don't know how I managed to make at least some friends throughout my life.
I can tell you that I've had my fair share of lonely playground days.

I want nothing more than to have good close friends.
Or even to have someone genuinely be friendly with me :/
I'm probably wasting my words on a blog and should be more pro-active. BUT HOW??
Everyone around my age in my life has seriously only been their own definition of asshole.
I can't even depend on my family for some form of relationship.

Don't know how lonely feels? I'll tell you how.

it was scary
verrrrryyyyyy scary
i had never panicked so much in my life
i just kept thinking, "no no no no no"
and in that moment; if my dad were to find me like that.
I had no reason, he would have never known why.
how much he'd be hurt - i just couldn't.

that was no joke
and apparently alcohol makes your blood thinner
did not know that
never again.
think i'll stick to my mildly blunt sharpener blade haha