I am angry and I don't know why.All these annoyances are coming like
thousands and thousands of tiny faucet drips and are combining into a
giant tsunami and it's drowning all my beaches. I'm treading water, but
how long can I keep this up.

I am walking a tightrope and juggling a million objects, just when it seems
like struggling the most with the objects I have, a new object arrives.
I have become quite the able juggler, but I am only human and there
is only 24 hours or so in a day! I am becoming overworked, overwrought
and overwhelmed...

I don't sleep much, I don't eat much, I've lost 14 lbs. and I don't care.
I haven't been watering like I should and my tomatoes are shriveling.
What is wrong? Normally things that wouldn't have bothered me
before are angering me.
M.M. gets a "fan" letter from a old "friend"
because of some new music he sent out. Before I would have be amused
by this person's obvious pedestrian attempt at fake flattery, now it angers
me. I have had women actively go after him before and everytime I have
thought it amusing. I am very confident in our relationship and in M.M. in
general. He is the most loyal person I have ever known. But still, to my
surprise, I was angry. I don't know maybe I was jealous, but I am not the
type.
I also have been sniping at everyone over nothing. This is not me.
I am usually a nice person. I usually do not take out my problems on others.
I have always " suffered in silence" so to speak. Now I have been letting
everyone know just how I feel. Sometimes it goes over well. Other times
not so much. I have been trying to become more assertive because all my
life I have let the world walk all over me. I think I am overshooting the mark.
I don't know what to do.... I' m going to give it some time and just think......

I have a wicked carnivorous streak and the pursuit of the best burger in
town is important to me, so it is not a surprise that I find myself at this
24 hour diner type place. We are seated next to a picture window facing
a busy city street an an "interesting" part of town. "This is a great place
to people watch." the nice waitress mentions as she takes our order.

I can see why as I spy a man with a cat. A long slinky black cat on a leash.
The man, a dreadlocked fellow with seemingly a lot of time on his hands,
was pacing by the bus stop, the cat, his constant companion. It was a
tender scene.The cat obviously adored him and he returned the cat's
affections.

My attention was turned to the asian woman with a strained look and a
shopping cart full of bottles and cans. She almost loses her top bundle
as she passes a gesturing buffoon in orange. He dances a jaunty wee
dance as he gesticulates wildly to a man who resembles M.M.'s brother.
Orange man is full of story and enthusiasm and then just as abruptly
as he came....poof..he leaves, running across the street and into traffic
waving his arms around as if he's flying.

The sign holder regards the scene cooly and I just laugh. the man in
orange seemed to be having a good time. He is gone now and I am left
with my bacon cheeseburger, which received a 6.5 by the way.

20 minutes ago, a true story, by me.....The rustling of leaves in the overhead
trees, birdsong, pounding and sirens. The neighbors scream, a viscious "No!"
followed by two more, A "Yeah!", more birdsong and then a lone crow. Now..
someone's radio, a country tune... another scream....and ahhhhh the air
conditioner kicks in and it's hum drowns out my crazy neighbors.

They are still crazy,nonetheless. These loud crazy neighbors with the ironic
name. This family of the troubled. The police like to park in front of my
house, right next to my quiet roses to sneak up on them, but today, no cops.
I walk out back to the office, sit down, turn on the music; loud and mellow.
Crisp and Cool. Welcome to Sanity.

Today I spent hours in the garden, working and enjoying the beautiful day. I had an
anxiety attack earlier and I knew that this would do the trick. It always does. Here I can
relax, I am at peace for it is a natural and peaceful place. I feel a sort of connectedness
to the earth when I work the land. It feels so right, so true. It is nourishment fo the mind,
body and spirit. It calms and renews me.
My mind grows still and quiet. There is harmony here and it filled with the lushness
and colors of life. It's truly a delight to the senses. And to someone who is prone to
sensory overload this is the perfect place.
If I have a religion, this is it. My garden is my church, I call it my sanctuary for it is
and my savoir as well.

And so I am supposed to be writing short stories, Trippy profound little gems with twists and turns. I gave myself this summer to come up with something. I have written one entire and and two partials and that is it. I have sat at this website and bored everyone with all my long-winded crappy opinons and I have discovered that I am not as good of a writer as I thought.
I think it is because, although I try to educate myself, my brain has be rotting for the last 12 or more years, probably more. No time for thought; no time for reflection, no intelligent conversation....laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, shopping, helping run a home business, being a well involved, but not too involved mom. I have given and given of myself for the last 17 years, there hasn't been any time for me, I feel so behind, so late, so not on time, it's embarrassing.
I have longed to fill my time with intellectual pursuits, learning as much as I can. Circumstance and my own weaknesses have stalled my progress.
I have however, grown during this time, I am so much braver and stronger than I thought was possible. This gives the confidence I never had before. If I believe and I work hard, I see no reason why I can't succeed in the pursuit of my stupid little dream.