If you roll around in the mud with a pig. .. (As tempting as that sounds)
It accomplishes nothing. All you do is get all dirty and the pig likes it.
There is a disruption in the flow of unity which is harmful to essential
elements. The disruption will and cannot cease until it runs out of hot
air, which in the terms of a human lifetime, might as well be forever.

I am a catalyst, not the first, won't be the last . But a catalyst
nonetheless. And having a much different agenda than the disruption;
it would be to the common good that a catalyst such as I remove my
self from the neighborhood.

It has become counter-productive to all. I am however, staying in town.
Just hanging in a different hood....
Strawberryindigo.

I have been working and burning the midnight oil getting this blog together
on one of those blogging sites. I am in over my head but having fun.
I started it as a lark and it has kind of snowballed into an I don't know what.

I am supposed to have a theme and a focus, HA, That's a joke. That would
take the fun out of it. I am just going along and see what it morphs into.
I have put it together and torn it all up a couple of times. I am always
tinkering with it.

I am not the least bit technical but I am a quick learner, no matter
the subject and I have about figured it out. At least that part of it.
People here are very serious about their blogs, many work hard and
are professional and that shows.

Mine is pretty dorky. I know this. I figure I will get better at it. I've been
at it five/six days. Already my writing has improved and I'm getting more
productive. I am getting good practice at writing and that is what I want to
do; be a writer and so doing this is excellent practice.

I am also gettting in touch with some other writers there, especially one nice
lady who has been helping me with basics that I should know. I kind of fell into
this but I'm glad I did. I like to write but I am also visual and this blog is full of
visuals.
I have been taking pictures of my garden and puttting them on along with other
pics.For the last decade. I have been reading non- fiction books in a wealth of
subjects., writing poems and stories , I have been collecting strange facts and
not so strange.I am even a good cook and have written some of my own recipes,
( which are tasty , by the way) All my life I have been compelled to learn as much
as I can and now it seems that maybe some of all of that will be put to use.

I know this sounds stupid, but I want to someday, somehow help others with
my writing. I know I am not even close to whatever I need to be ,but I am
young and patient. I am willing to work hard, I will learn and improve.

I am excited at this new adventure, but I also have my doubts and fears
and have had some dark nights of the soul lately. I will rise above.
I just to have to keep at it.
Strawberryindigo.

My head feels like it is going to explode! I have been truly going at it for hours. I am a woman posessed. I have not eaten all day, all I do is drink coffee, then it was tea, now it's Pepsi. I have been typing and writing and revising. All the while learning all this technical mumbo-jumbo crap.
I am an artist, not a technical person. But I am commited and I tend to get a bit obsessive.

And so here I am obsessing. M.M. has been wonderful, what a help. He has been happily making me coffee and letting me be in the studio, for hours, the house is a wreck, but I am happy. For the first time in a long time, happiness is being my natural state. M.M. Is happy that I am happy. And I am, but my my head feels like any minute it WILL explode.BOOM ouch, it just did......

Today I went and tripped around downtown with my teenage son. We walked all over
and went to some shops.I have a poor sense of direction and we kinda' got lost,
well not lost.. just turned around. haha... I have this strange resistance to asking
for directions, I don't know why. so we keep walking and it's getting hot, I didn't
eat all day, just coffee (Bad me) I am starting to feel like a bad mother dragging
my son all over in the heat... and I am starting to feel woozy, I am sweating and
now a bit confused and then I see "it".

Yes, "it". What is "It"?? Major old school retro arcade! I love this town sometimes.

It doesn't take much for me to revert back to kid again. The place was hot, dark
and packed. The change machine was broken but we found some quarters. This
is exciting stuff for a suburban mom like me. We pass frogger.. Ms. pac man....
centipede...even the galaxy thing and then right over to mortal kombat! Yes!

Now I will proceed to kick some @$$... I won the first match! HA! My yellow guy
beat his blue guy! He is surprised and a little impressed, that is almost impossible:
A 16 yr. being impressed by his mother, well watch out son....

next round. He kills me, blood everywhere, next round, more killing... I am dead
well not me, yellow guy is dead. I am looking for more quarters........

My son is looking for lunch, we go and get bad mall food.

What a great day!

...And so I am sitting here listening to some atmospheric beach music and
reflecting by computer light. It seems life has been zooming along at super
sonic rocket speed lately and I am trying to hang on. I feel like I am undergoing
a metamorphsis of sorts. The thought of this thrills and scares me at the same
time. I am making plans and it everything seems to be coming together.

I have spent most of my life afraid of most everything and it has crippled me
on the inside. And it gets lonely all alone on the inside. I hated myself for
being so "weak", I was very hard on myself, I never lived up to my expectations
which was perfection.

I had so much wrong with me, on the inside.....no one knew, i was good at hiding it.
I looked like everyone else. I was shy and uncoordinated but that was all, I feel I
was lucky not to be labeled, to be singled out as 'different'. I don't know how I
would have taken that.

My ego was so weak.. I was weak.. I felt hopeless and I think I just kinda' waited
for something to change that but nothing did...I drank and used drugs to kill the
emptiness but, that only added to it.

Fate steps in or hormones or both and I had two kids. This act of becoming a mother
saved me in more ways than one. I had to become more, much more, if only for
them. and so....

I forgave myself for being so weak, so imperfect, so flawed, so damn human. I started
to tell myself positive messages about myself, even if I had to lie.

I ran across this quote by one of my all-time heroes, Albert Einstein

Out of clutter, find simplicity
from discord, find harmony
In the middle of difficulty, lies opportunity.

How brillant, how logical and beautiful. This was one of the many turning points
of my life..the road is long, but I can see the light at the end..
if I can just stay on the path.....