I have been awake for... I don't even know.
I think it's been about 2 and a half days.
I feel so..... Weird.
I planned to go to sleep earlier tonight but even though I want to, I really DON'T want to.
I just feel unbelievably irritated.
I'm not right.
I wana go to sleep but at the same time I feel like by doing so I'm wasting time sleeping.
I've been painting a lot, and rearranging my house.
Sounds like hypomania or something but I don't think it is, (Ive not been diagnosed bipolar) who knows maybe it is some weird light form of hypomania if that's even possible.
I just know logically I should go to sleep or at least try but I can't be bothered... So I'm sat here writing this instead...
Maybe it's actually that I'm just becoming really depressed again and that's why I can't sleep.
I don't understand my feelings right now.
I feel like there's something I have to do.
Rargggggghhhhhhh
My mood was really low lately. Then today it's been really high but also really irritable. REALLY irritable. But that's generally what happens when you are sleep deprived.
This is such a pointless blog entry. I just feel weird.

By the time you see this, how're you feeling?

I managed a few hours sleep a few hours after I wrote this post, but have been up all night last night and all day again today. I keep staying up for 2-3 days at a time.
I'm feeling out of control.
I don't know what's happening to me. I'm really losing it.
I think if something drastic doesn't happen very soon I may be headed for a breakdown.
I really really don't know what's real. My brain is just cycling cycling cycling constantly and my moods are swinging to such extremes.
I am hanging on by a thread right now. i can't cope with myself anymore. I don't wana get put in hospital.

I am no doctor, but what you experience is me when I am either getting to a mixed episode or I am in one. It's both depression and mania either together or one right after the other. Why don't you post in the bipolar forum just to get a glimpse of what others think about your symptoms. I'm not saying you have bipolar at all. It's just some things you share are recognizable to me. I hope you feel better soon. Please go see a doctor before you get hospitalized. (in case that were to be a last resort).

[quote="quietgirl2538"]I am no doctor, but what you experience is me when I am either getting to a mixed episode or I am in one. It's both depression and mania either together or one right after the other. Why don't you post in the bipolar forum just to get a glimpse of what others think about your symptoms. I'm not saying you have bipolar at all. It's just some things you share are recognizable to me. I hope you feel better soon. Please go see a doctor before you get hospitalized. (in case that were to be a last resort).[/quote]

Hey Quietgirl,

I have never seen a psychiatrist but the word 'bipolar' has come up a lot over the years from various people including mental health professionals but never one who is actually qualified to diagnose.
I've always related a lot to what people with bipolar describe.
I will check out the bipolar forum. The reason I don't is I don't want to give myself another label. And I also am almost certain I suffer with BPD. Years ago, I did think I had bipolar. Until I read into BPD and it seemed to be a perfect fit.
So I came to the conclusion that me thinking I was bipolar was actually BPD that I had mistook for bipolar.
I am however 100% sure I have major depressive episodes. I don't need a psychiatrist to tell me that. I have definitely over the course of my life had several severe major depressive episodes.
But I also have the highs. And also at times believe I am connected to something special. That I am special. Ive also believed at times that I meet the criteria for a hypomanic episode but at the same time thought that bipolar was just something they label you as when you are connected to the divine. And they don't want us to reach that state. So they label it as a mental illness. I don't think that right now, I feel.... Well, read my latest blog post.
I will have a look at the bipolar forum and maybe post. There is a possibility I will be seeing a psychiatrist soon. I've been referred for DBT and possibly/hopefully will be seeing a psychiatrist but until I get that I have no support.
They're not seeing me every day or anything. The services here are so stretched and the psych wards and mental hospitals are all full.
They obviously think I'm safe enough to not see me. Which at times I am.
Some days I think I don't even need help. And then days like this I consider going to the hospital and begging them to lock me up. Letting them see me in all my insane glory.
I considered that today but I am afraid I'll be treated like a piece of $#%^ and like I'm crazy. And I can't handle that.
I've never been in one before myself but I know what they're like having been in to visit my Mum several times over the years when she's had a severe episode (schizophrenia.)
And I just don't think that's the best place for me right now.
I'm a bit calmer now.
I will be going to the docs soon. I've also (when I remember) been keeping a mood diary so I'll take that too.